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Meeting other LGBT people, with social anxiety

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TheStormInside, Sep 17, 2015.

  1. TheStormInside

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    I am out to all of my friends, now, but I still struggle to be comfortable with myself in my sexuality. I still cringe a bit at the word "lesbian" when applied to myself.

    My therapist has been telling me for some time now that I need to meet more gay people and make gay friends. I know she's right. This is just.. incredibly hard for me. Making friends even without the added implications of being "out" is extremely difficult, as I have somewhat severe social anxiety disorder.

    Months and months ago I attended a couple of PFLAG meetings, which weren't terrible but didn't go particularly well. I could tell that wasn't the right place for me and I stopped going, sort of frustrated and disheartened.

    The ideal situation for me would be to find a group of women or LGBT adults in general who are coming out, or to find a group of LGBT nerds/geeks. I haven't really been able to find groups like this that are active, though, believe me I have been looking.

    How did some of you start to get out and meet other gay people? Was it difficult at first as well, or were you just anxious to get out there? How did you know you were "ready" to connect to other LGBT folks in the real world, too?

    There is a walking/running group that meets weekly nearby. I do like to walk and I have considered checking them out from time to time, but haven't been able to get myself to go. I had planned on going tonight for the first time, but I've started having panic attacks about it and am likely not going to make it, now. I know I need to push through the anxiety, but I'm not sure at what point I should just listen to it because it's become too much.
     
  2. Really

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    Hey Stormy,

    I also have problems making friends easily so have started to make a concerted effort. I also found an LGBT running group, too. Made contact via email (nerve-wracking) and even went so far as to go once. Unfortunately, that night they were all guys (I sat a little ways a way to try to spot the group) and on top of that, they were being filmed by some TV crew for something so that wasn't happening. I just went home. And then strangely felt very panicky. Haven't been back.

    But I still wanted to find a running group and meet people so I joined a Women's only running group. I figured some must be gay, no? Turns out it was just a general drop-in run but that's ok because my running has improved and I've gotten to meet some nice people. Not that they'll become friends particularly but I've gotten a chance to see that my weirdness doesn't stop everyone from being friendly. Some aren't that interested in talking to me as much or at all but that's fine because there are some that do and I'm still benefitting from the runs.

    If you're up for it, why don't you just go to the meeting spot of the group and be a spectator to start and if it seems right, join in? Doesn't hurt to look, right? You can always walk away and try some other time or some other group.

    You might as well try it while the weather is nice before they move indoors or some crazy thing like that. Maybe think of it as looking for exercise rather than looking for people. Good luck and remember... Have fun!
     
  3. TheStormInside

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    Thanks, Really. My therapist actually suggested the same thing, so I did make my way down to their meeting location tonight. I couldn't get very close to them without looking like I was joining, however, because of how they'd positioned themselves, but I just got too nervous and circled around trying to look like I was casually strolling. :icon_redf I am a little intimidated as I could see that many of them looked quite fit and were doing stretches and such. I'm not a runner, if I do end up joining them at some point I'd be in the "walking" group. I was also extra nervous because one of the guys who runs the group I had met at PFLAG. Hopefully he wouldn't recognize me, but I am pretty distinguishable so it's possible he could.

    I feel sort of crappy about not forcing myself to join. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make my way up there again, but since they meet regularly I should have plenty of opportunities should I decide to do so. It was definitely easier to force myself to walk past them than to join them, but even that was quite anxiety inducing.

    Walking up there I also had the realization that joining a "gay" group is like another layer of admitting my sexuality, and that is also probably what has got me so freaked out and upset. I still feel like a bit of a fraud at times, I don't feel like I'm gay, but I know I am attracted to women, so perhaps this is the vestiges of denial still clinging on. I don't really know. But if I am to join a "gay group" that solidifies that these are my people, I am like them, I am gay. And that's still a difficult thing for me to admit.
     
  4. Zen fix

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    This is exactly what I was struggling with today. I have a super strong desire to meet others in the community but I feel like then this thing goes to a whole other level. The other fear is that the "real" gay/lesbian/bi/trans people will take one look at me and tell me I don't belong. :icon_sad: With my late realization, lack of experience and "straight" looking lifestyle this fear is much more prevalent for me.
     
  5. Really

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    Oh, I totally get this. I think this must be why I had my little panic after my first attempt. I'm not out and even though in my mind I don't care if any new people know (and these would have all been new people), it would have been a de facto coming out because it was a gay group and that is still anxiety-inducing. I probably could have acted cool on the outside but inside I would have been fighting to calm down enough to run without needing to vomit. Probably best I didn't go. Haha.

    Personally, I'm a very methodical person and while I'd love to be out and socializing with potential dates, dating and whatnot, I'm fine plodding along meeting any sort of new people, potential or not. Maybe one day when I'm not fine with this, I'll venture outside my comfort zone some more. Fingers crossed.
     
  6. CameronMR

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    It's hard to find a group and fit in. I'm lucky, there's a small one here that meets at the local hip coffee shop, it's very laid back and casual. No one has to join in it they don't want, and we just play games. There's cards against humanity or exploding kittens, they are fun and they get us all laughing.

    Baby steps. ;-) you'll get there
     
  7. Ladyhawk

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    I feel you, I have social anxiety and GAD so I know it's tough. Im trying to get to courage to go to a meeting/event for my local university's Pride group - they take people of all ages and backgrounds, not just those who go to the university but those in the community. Maybe you have something like that near you?
     
  8. musicheals315

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    I completely understand as well. I was told a long time ago that I may have a mild social anxiety problem and I think moving across country on my own has probably slightly worsened that, but then it also helps because I have very little chances of people I actually know seeing me out in public with an LGBT group. I was lucky enough to find an LGBT group on meet-up that included the whole spectrum, with Questioning in the title, so I felt a little more confident when I went to the first meeting. The first meeting I went to was at an open mic night at a local coffee shop and even though I was nervous about going, once I got there I kind of let the others take the lead and once they started asking me general questions, like what I do for a living it was pretty easy to open up. I went to a few other meet-ups with this group, but then the leader started annoying me and my school work increased so it wasn't worth it. I think the best thing you can do is find something that interests you and try to get involved in that, even if it's not LGBT oriented, or even better if you can find an LGBT group that relates to your interests. It's definitely a hard step to take, but it will help :slight_smile: