I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had attended my first pride parade and found it to be an amazing experience. One of the realizations I made, which up until then I had denied, was the challenges I faced with Internalized Homophobia. Specifically, I did not want to be seen as a stereotypical homosexual. Being around the full rainbow at Pride, however, helped crystallize the struggle I was facing with internalized homophobia. And I guess recognition is certainly the first step to recovery. Following the Pride event, I felt like a further burden was lifted off my shoulders by recognizing I am struggling with internalized homophobia, where I am now determined to solve it. I think back from when I was younger, how I used to consciously conform my personality and mannerisms to be stereotypical masculine - I watched how I moved my hands, I focused on how I spoke. I remember watching the movie "In & Out" and replicating the scene where Kevin Klein is listening to an instruction video on how to act like a man and following the steps to do so. I recall being teased at school for being too sensitive (and as a teenager rumors spreading around my school for being bi-sexual when word got out that I was hooking up with guys). When I was a kid, I used to love flamboyant clothes; had some really funky outfits, but discarded them and decided to focus on wearing clothes that were cool and mainstream (and I LOVE colorful clothes!!!!!!). As an adult, I participated in making homophobic comments and criticizing people for dressing up "gay". Although I would make such comments in a joking way, and always got a laugh, looking back on them, they were homophobic indeed. More recently, after coming out, I was out with some people at a bar, and one of the guys I was with, himself gay, was spewing quite a few homophobic comments. It struck me as I listened to him how odd it sounded for a gay guy to be expressing such homophobia. But at the same time, I recognized within me my own need to continue to come to terms with the internalized homophobia I faced. Two weekends ago, I was shopping with my partner, and where I previously had very conservative shoes, thinking about how much I actually love wearing colorful clothes, I went on quite a spending spree and purchased some of the most outlandish and colorful shoes I could find (having bought four different pairs, I think I probably went a bit overboard). Last Friday, I actually wore one the new pairs of shoes to my office (we have casual Fridays). I wish I could say I felt cured as a result, but I was nervous throughout the day wearing the shoes around the office. Then this morning, when I put my polo shirt and jeans on for today's casual Friday, I did go and put on another one of the new colorful pairs of shoes. But at last minute, before I left home for the office, I changed my mind, went back to the closet and switched the shoes for one my simple black leather pair. As I walked to the office today, I was annoyed with myself that I did so. Contradicting this mornings action, two nights ago, I was at a business function with other professionals in my industry. I wore a colorful shirt, one of the colorful shoes, a pair of my funky glasses, but toned it down with a basic blue blazer and blue jeans. i was with my partner at the event. It felt great to be in a professional and public environment and really be myself. And no one seemed to bat an eye. Right before deciding to write this post, I was reading an article on one of the daily LGBT blogs that I always read and the writer was reflecting on how he came to realize that he was working through his own internalized homophobia. The timing of the article was coincidental - as I read it, I felt like I was reading about my own experience. It seems there are so many aspects of the journey to contend with, and internalized homophobia is another part I need to work through. Now that I fully grasp the challenge, I am eager to work through it and solve it!
Lots of love for you! I really felt for you when you basically literally returned to the closet and left your fun shoes there. I've read a lot of posts on this site that express IH and I'm always kind of like "wow I'm so glad _I_ don't have IH! It makes things so much harder!" But after reading this post, I really did some soul searching and it turns out IH thoughts for me are so subtle I can barely recognize them. Like thinking "oh, I better grow my hair longer before I come out" or "I should lose a couple pounds before I come out", "if I get a pan tattoo I want it to be so subtle most people won't recognize it." Sure, you can justify these thoughts by saying "well, when you come you're going to be the subject of scrutiny so you want to convey an image others will admire" but when you look at them closely you see that they are expressing a desire to stay hidden and to stay stereotypically feminine. This is such a crazy journey. I don't love all of it, that's for sure. Facing my own IH will be tough.
Part of it is trying to minimize the scrutiny from others as you suggest, where such scrutiny correlated to one's own personal self esteem. To this point, when I look at my journey since coming out, the vast majority of the reactions I have received have been reactions of support with very little negative reactions. At the same time, I like to portray a strong image of confidence and high self esteem, where my professional accomplishments give me a lot to feel confident and proud for. But these accomplishments only fill part of the self esteem equation, and I must admit that I still seek the approval of others particularly on a more personal level rather than a professional level. Hence, it would seem my IH is a byproduct of seeking such approval where I perceive maybe unnecessarily that others still hold negative views on LGBT. And, in turn, negative views of me personally for being gay. So, if thats the case, in retrospect, I think what I need to actually do is be more outspoken and proactive on my identity. Given I have actually been getting so much positive feedback, I should allow that support and approval to improve my personal self esteem. With the improvement of self esteem, any IH I retain should continue to diminish. Instead of going back to wear the black leather shoes, I should absolutely be wearing the colorful ones!
We are so terribly hard on ourselves. When were in the closet, we beat ourselves up every time we act too gay, and once we're out, we beat ourselves for not acting gay enough. Sometimes I wonder if being gay is really just Hitchcock's MacGuffin, and our journey is really about accepting ourselves on many more levels than just our sexuality. If we want to wear funky shoes, we shouldn't stop ourselves (unless they're really awful! :eusa_naug), and hopefully can get past worrying that they might appear too gay. But if we like the quiet sensible ones, we also shouldn't pass on them because we feel that as gay men we have some code of flash to live by either. We're introverts, extroverts, fans of musicals or thrillers, collector of Wizard of Oz memorabilia or stamps, fans of cats or toy dogs or big clunky mutts. We are who we are. And we're gay. But no one of those really needs to be the defining factor that stops us from doing something -- or forces us TO do something either.
Hi! Sorry, I didn't mean YOU in my post when I wrote the part about "you want to be feminine and hidden" I meant me, like I was lecturing myself. Sorry if that was confusing. I'm so glad the reactions you've gotten have been positive! I also think that if you want to wear the colorful shoes, then do. (I have been having fun imagining them from your post; I love colorful shoes.) I love the vision of you as a confident gay man and I root for you on your way! But also, if one is feeling like not calling attention to oneself on a given day for ANY reason, I think that's ok, too. Sometimes we need mental space to do the normal tasks of our lives like work and such. From your mouth to God's ears! I hope someday to be there, where I can just BE.
Here is an interesting thought: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192537-forgiving-others.html
This is a great post. I have often been conscious of how others perceive me. I spent much time worrying about my appearance in the eyes of others, but it is equally important to free myself from my own constraints. Thank you for the reminder to allow myself to be what I like and do what I like.
