Failed coming out. I'm a selfish jerk.

You can't take on his emotions. You can't be responsible for his emotions. You have enough dealing with your own. You are who you are, he is who he is, no amount of bigotry or peace will change that.

I'm sorry you had to go through emotional hurt.(*hug*)

---------- Post added 18th Sep 2015 at 07:02 PM ----------

Also, being true to yourself does not make you a selfish jerk.

 

No. Your name should be Courageous Queer not Pathetic Coward. You were very brave to come out to him, and you are not selfish at all. You told him the truth, And he just can't accept it yet. I think he knows its true, he's just in denial. I'm sure he will come around eventually, but I'm sorry about what happened. I send logs of love. :hugs: just know that you are amazing the way you are, and stay strong.

 

You sir are far too hard on yourself! You are definitely NOT pathetic. If your dad had to walk in your shoes and feel the frustration you had to keep to yourself he would understand. Unfortunately he's from a different generation. I think you know deep down that you deserve happiness. You sound like a great guy and at 38 you are still very young. You didn't hurt him in my opinion. He is still probably processing things given his age. I wouldn't take it too personally. He loves you regardless. If you ever wish to talk about things man feel free to PM me. Just know that your not alone, things will work out!

 

U absolutely should have had the discussion and do not second guess it. It's your life., not his. You should be proud of yourself for reaching the point you did; and do not let him or this weekend take that away from you.

 

You are incredibly brave to come out to your father. You told him the truth about yourself. What he thinks about it is on him, not you. Your decision to tell him or not tell him was your own- you did what you needed to do. You are exceptionally brave. I cannot even seriously entertain the idea of telling my father right now. No way. Yes, you're very, very brave.

 

Firstly, do not be so had on yourself. Keeping quiet about your sexuality for such a long time is not a good place to be in.

Then, from what i gather this is the first time that you have actually told your dad about your sexuality. If so, don't be too harsh on him either. He needs to deal with in it being in his face now for the first time. He probably knew, most parents do, and just tried to avoid it all this time. Don't back off completely either. Find more gentle ways to show him that while you love him immensely, but that you are who you are and that you will be much happier if he could find a way to accept it. Good parents always want their children to be happy, ultimately.

Much strength and positive thoughts to you as you face these challenges.

 

I am not really out yet. But there are only a few people I'm going to proactively come out to when the time is right. I applaud you for your attempt at an adult conversation with your parents. They have what is called the FIXED MINDSET. This is a new heavily researched area of psychology (truly legit). They have always, in their core, felt that they had the vision for your life. You've strayed from that vision and they have been stuck in their's. So, some disappointment and bitterness to throw into the family stew. You tried....move on with your life, your loves. Keep moving forward without being mean to those who can't, or won't, keep up.

 

Sounds to me like you know yourself pretty well. Now it's just a question of putting knowledge into action!

 

I think what you did was very brave. You should find a way to bring the issue up once again and this time they should really hear you out. Telling your parents the truth I think is a very important step and one you might regret if you don't.

 

You took a big step, I agree with others that A) you were brave and B) your family may be in denial.

I'm proud of your courage.

 

Sounds like you're on your way! Keep us posted

 

It's a process. Coming Out just doesn't mean telling people, it also means you need to give yourself time to accept your new you.

Give Dad some time, I'm sure he'll see things differently before you know it.

 

Worrying about others feelings doesn't make you selfish at all. It makes you selfless and that becomes a problem when you are denying your own desires and feelings all for the sake of sparing someone else. My Dad passed several years ago and he never knew about my struggles with my sexuality. The fact that you were brave enough to at least try and confront the issue with him is more than I was ever capable of. Be proud of yourself, even if he didn't respond as you had hoped he would, it showed a lot of courage to do so just the same. At least in trying to be honest with him you are taking the shot at having a more genuine relationship. One that isn't dancing around this secret you feel you have to keep.

 

Frankly, you give me courage.

I like to play a thought experiment sometimes, if I'm being especially hard on myself. I ask, what would I tell my best friend if she went through this?

So, if you have a dear brother or dear male friend or can imagine such - what would you tell him about this if he'd gone through it?

 

If he's listening to Dan Savage, I can't imagine that much would faze him. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

You need to change your handle, PC!! Good for you for getting a conversation started - even if it doesn't go anywhere for a while, it is giving your dad some time to come to grips with it. Good luck and yay for a Dan Savage quoting therapist!! xx

 

Your appointment conversation was a lot like when I first saw a counselor to discuss the issue of my sexual orientation. I said I had an "impasse" in my life that I couldn't figure out how to get past. Then it took about 10 minutes of me hemming and hawing during the first session before I finally said I am gay.

Any therapist who quotes / links Dan Savage articles is going to be very open-minded about issues surrounding human sexuality. I like what Dan Savage has to say, though I have to admit, at times I'm taken aback at how blunt and direct he is when discussing sex.

Only you know if you're "straight and insane" or gay. I re-read your initial post, but it didn't say so much about what attractions or sexual fantasies you know you have. While the arts have traditionally been a haven for gay men, interest and talent in the arts/theatre is not an indication of being gay. In fact, that thing your mom said about "f*gs in the theatre" is a prime example of how homophobia can harm straight men. Straight guys who like acting may get steered out of the field due to the stigma of "appearing gay."

The therapist I worked with thought attractions/fantasies are the best indicator whether someone is gay, straight, bi, confused, or whatever...

If your attractions are mostly toward other guys, you're likely gay. The lack of motivation to date women could also be an indication. In my observation, straight guys put up with a lot of shit from women because they can't resist women no matter how hard they try...