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Update: My support group, and coming out to my husband.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by High Art, Sep 18, 2015.

  1. High Art

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    I've waited a few days to write an update (a couple of you have asked how it all went) because, well, I'm just incredibly heartbroken.

    I'm in Toronto right now, away from my home, and I feel it's where I should be right now, however my heart hurts for my husband who is at home trying to understand what is happening.

    I went to a "Dear John, I Love Jane" support group three days ago before I left town. There were nine women there, and to be honest it kind of felt like meeting with all of you ec members, but in person. Everyone's story was different, almost all of us were emotional in sharing. I felt shy, and odd... I've never been in any kind of support group before, but it was nice. It felt safe.

    That night, I told my husband. I told him that I didn't know if I was gay or bisexual, but that these days I feel like I'm more gay than straight. I told him that I love him, I assured him that I haven't intentionally been concealing anything from him, aside from the past couple months of sorting things out.

    He went through the questioning, denial, feeling betrayed, accusing etc as we spoke, but he very quickly shifted into a place of empathy and support. This surprised me, but it also reminded me why I married this person. He's broken hearted - I have managed to break both of our hearts in one fell swoop - but he is also being incredibly empathetic and caring.

    The morning after I told him I woke up and started sobbing uncontrollably, thinking he had left for work. He was in fact in the next room, and he rushed in and just held onto me.

    I left that evening and will be gone for three weeks. We have spoke on the phone once. Half of the time we were just crying. I feel like we have never been closer or more honest with each other, never more supportive. In some ways I wish he would just be an asshole, but he isn't. He's amazing. He said he can't imagine how hard this must be for me - it breaks my heart how kind he has been.

    I don't know where we go from here. Telling him makes this more real, and I am scared, I am doubting, but I feel like I am taking the right steps, even though it's incredibly hard.

    I wish he had a friend he could trust, who he could talk to. I have such great friends, he doesn't have the same kind of support. I really love him, and this whole experience has reminded me why.

    Anyway, that's where I'm at.
     
  2. CameronMR

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    I am so happy for you!! I admit I have been looking forward to hearing about your meeting. I'm happy to hear that your husband took the news so well and that this has strengthened your bond. Too bad we live so far apart, we'd have the 2 of you over for dinner in a hearbeat. lol (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    I hope the rest of your trip goes well!<3
     
  3. Chicagoblue

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    Thanks for sharing!
     
  4. CapColors

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    Best wishes to you and your husband.
     
  5. SnowshoeGeek

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    Omigosh... what a touching story. Thank you for sharing it. I have nothing to add except nodding my head in empathy... (*hug*)
     
  6. bi2me

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    Congratulations on your courage and honesty. I know it's not easy, and being away now probably makes it simultaneously easier and harder in different ways. (*hug*)

    Have you seen the Ted talk on infidelity by Esther Perel? I think it might be germane even though that's not your actual issue. It is about how learning about an affair (or in your case coming out) and facing the possible end of a relationship can bring you closer.
     
  7. ebda30

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    My husband has been.behaving very similar. Feela very good and.terrible at the same time. He always has a litte hurt in.his eyss.when.he looks atme. When we talk, sometimes his face.changes, he always.kind.of ignores me.when.I ask what that face meana, cause its a new one. He said he feels like I look athim.differently now, that the way I feel about him has changed. He hasnt, but I think now that he KNOWS, he notices that the way I look at him ia different than how he looks at me :/

    So glad your husband reacted so Welland I hope you all the best!
     
  8. rachael1954

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    High Art thank you for sharing your story. I am thinking of you and I'm glad you have 3 weeks to think for yourself, and he does too. You were brave and truthful. Wishing the best for you.
     
  9. High Art

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    (&&&)Thank you so much everyone, the support on this forum has given me courage.
     
  10. TeaTree

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    Thanks for sharing this, High Art. It looks like you both know how to be emotionally mature (I should take notes, hehe :slight_smile: ). Wish you all the best for how all this will unfold in the future (*hug*)
     
  11. BidiKlum

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    You really couldn't ask for anything better, could you? It's hard but I think you have the hardest part behind you - wishing you all the best. And congratulations on picking such an amazing spouse! :wink:
     
  12. HandyChic

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    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's such a brave thing that you're doing. I know how hard it is because I've been going through the same thing. It's been about a year since I came to the realization that I'm gay.

    My husband has been very understanding, but we both miss "us" terribly. I've cried so many days and nights since then. It's been one of the hardest times in my life.

    Although I feel like I'm still on the fence when it comes to being gay vs being married to him, when I talk to my therapist all of the answers are right there. Just today she told me that deep inside I've made the decision and once I jump off that fence, things will fall into place. So, I'm doing my very best to move ahead as a lesbian and trust my gut.

    Thank you again for sharing, I wish you the very best.
     
  13. High Art

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    Wow, it's so great to hear that I'm not the only one! I too feel my gut is telling me to move forward to a new life. It's still so fresh for my husband, and I am hanging back, wanting to protect him, and us, from all the pain we will go through. But I feel like it's just a matter of time. And I am the same with my counsellor... I'm so clear in those sessions, and then it gets muddied out in my world of self imposed expectations.
     
  14. bi2me

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    Self imposed expectations.... Isn't that a huge part of all our problems?
     
  15. HandyChic

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    Wow, it's like you're in my head. I hate the idea of hurting him, absolutely hate it. And yes, I want to protect him. I have to keep telling myself that trying to go back would only prolong and increase the hurt and he'd end up hating me. I have to somehow believe that. And I'm still trying to convince myself that it's ok to be happy. As if I don't deserve it for what I've done... Abandoning him.
     
  16. Oh Lilac

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    Sending you good thoughts. This hit home and broke my heart, because I've been through this ordeal, too. You're not alone. XO.
     
  17. CapColors

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  18. driedroses

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    I so appreciate these posts, because I get the idea from the "real world" that my situation is bizarre. I didn't come out; my husband did. I've often wished he would be an ass so I could move on easier. I know it would be easier on him if I would be angry and hateful. But we (he and I) are not those people. It sounds like that is the case for many of you as well. It is so difficult, I know, but I can only hope it leads to a very good outcome, and I hope the same for all of you.
     
  19. TeaTree

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    This is exactly how I feel lately. Sprinkled with a small amount of "the great moments we had" nostalgia. And still love my bf in a way but not sure what way.
    So I'm thinking about breaking up but somehow still remaining close.
    We are basically only roommates now for two moths. No sex, but still feel emotionally close.

    And as you said, prolonging this only increases the hurt...I guess you're right.
     
  20. High Art

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    The thing I realized recently, as I've had time away to think about all of this, is that there is no easy way. But I feel like there is a right way. So I keep reminding myself, and it is oddly comforting to know, that a break up will be horribly painful, but it is the truthful thing to do. It's the thing that will lead me to authenticity, which is very important to me, and it will give my husband the chance to let go and move forward.

    In the long run I think it's what will make both of our lives better.

    I'm getting anxious just thinking about actually going through with it... This is really tough..