Let me start by saying that this is my first thread on EC, and that I have benefitted significantly from reading others’ thoughts, insights and stories! I recently caught up with a few friends, one of whom I have told whilst really drunk that I was gay about a month ago (regrettably the topic hasn’t come up since), the others I don’t see as often but I still consider pretty good friends. My problem is that whilst I was with them I felt completely disconnected from the group, and it is a feeling that I have with unfortunate regularity. Their conversation was flowing, they were completely wiping the floor with me - I had absolutely nothing to add, and I found myself thinking about this at the time. All I could add was the odd joke here or there. I almost thought it pointless that I was even there. At one point I had gone to grab a drink, and they started talking about something important (sort of the reason why we were there basically), and I came back halfway through and had to pick up where there were up to, I didn’t bother interrupting. Even still after this I couldn’t for the life of me think of something meaningful to bring to the table. And this feeling of disconnection, I wonder if it is something that will even be helped at all by coming out. Like it’s not really going to change who I am at all. It hasn’t really for the very few people I have told. I had sort of prepared for the possibility of telling the others today that I am gay if the chance arose, but I didn’t really find an opportunity. And anyway I also had the feeling of why would they even care? I tend to feel that about most people in my life- I have been a closed book for so long, that no one would even want to hear or care about it? I try to look at it from their perspective and think there’s no point in bothering. And I find it so difficult to talk about feelings or anything deeper anyway. There is such a large gap between where I am, and where I want to be, or who I want to be. And honestly, I don’t even want to be that much. Just to be comfortable within myself and to have a bit of self-worth, and feel like I may be able to contribute something of value somewhere. But that seems so far away and unattainable that I give up before I’ve even tried, which is unfortunately the case with a lot of things in my life. Apathy rules most of it. That got grim real quick, just looking if anyone has any advice. I’m not sure I’ve articulated myself perfectly, and I hope I haven’t come across as completely self-absorbed, I’m not. But iff anyone has anything at all to add I’m all ears!
I can appreciate the feelings you have and the sense of isolation even when your with a group of people you know. The closet has a tendency to impose emotional walls to be built by those living inside; and the resulting disconnection you feel is not a surprise. You seem to maybe have reluctantly started the coming out process by telling your friend while drunk. He may or may not have understood your intent or maybe you did not say what you thought you said having been drunk. But a good place to continue your journey is by reapproaching him maybe? I took two of my best friends out for drink (or two, or three, or however many, we lost count) when I planned to tell them. We drank, I told them, or at least I thought I did, and I went home. Over the next few months, we engaged with each other over text and email as we usually do (we actually live far from each other) and the discussions were as if nothing happened. About half a year later, when we got back together, I brought up how things were going since I came out, and they were completely taken by surprise. As time passed and I continued on my own journey after had coming out, that feeling of disconnection began to diminish as my own emotional all came down. It takes time, you have gotten used to living with the wall up. Have patience and keep your eyes forward! You will be amazed at how great it is when you have completely found yourself and your emotions.
I would echo OTH's suggestion of revisiting the conversation with your friend that you came out to while drunk. Having been in the closet so long, I was out of touch with my own emotions and feelings since I hid my true self for so long. As I've come out, I've torn down the walls of my closet built on the foundation of my faux self. I'm beginning to pick up the pieces and reconstruct myself as a gay man. Now I'm feeling more authentic and more connected with reality. So things will get better as you accept yourself. I'm guessing you are going through something similar. If you haven't done so already, perhaps you want to start meeting gay friends with whom you can talk about all aspects of your life. This will help you reconnect with yourself.
Gosh - I never thought about my disconnection with the world being self-imposed. Wow, what an amazing insight... thank you.
OTH I don't think I'm reluctant to come out (well, any more so than the next person), I just want people to know, and I guess whilst being drunk is the one time where I feel I have the self-confidence to bring up the subject (like many struggling with their sexuality I have become quite a drinker). You do raise a good point though, it might have seemed to my friend as if I was reluctant to come out, and you're right I can't be sure what was actually said either. And my friend was as pissed as I was, so whilst I know she understood the basic message that I'm gay (due to a text after), I don't know what else she got from it (wow, typing that all out has made me realise how less than ideal the situation was!!!). It is probably worth revisiting, I didn't want it to become some elephant in the room. SF I absolutely do need to make some more gay friends and build a bit of a network, I have a few that I would say are acquaintances that I'm friendly with but none that really know me. Like so many others on here say though I'm pretty awful at meeting people, I have read others advice though and I guess need to think about how I can go about it for myself. I guess the main problem is I see the end game of being a happy and confident gay man who is comfortable with himself being so far down the track, that the challenge almost seems insurmountable. And feelings of isolation and disconnection act as inhibitors to even start trying! I guess just a bit of positivity is required. Anyhow thank you both for your thoughts!
I can really relate to this feeling. I have a group of old friends from college and we stay in touch and see each other from time to time. Often at these reunions I feel like I have nothing to say. I'm glad to be in their company but I feel like they could easily do without me. And as for one-on-one interactions, it's even worse. I'm not attracted to any of these guys but I feel like I want to be honest with them and can't seem to do it. It's not even about telling them I'm gay. I know they wouldn't care. It's the fact that I'm not ok with it and am not living a true life. So me saying I'm gay has as much weight as me saying I'm an astronaut. Sure, I may think about it but I haven't done anything about it. They can't empathize with the coming out process itself. And frankly I don't want to bring everyone down by being morose. I guess what it comes down to is that my life is at a standstill and I'm ashamed to admit it. The fact that the standstill seems to be because of sexuality is almost irrelevant. If I was enjoying life as a gay man, there would be no problem talking about it and being myself.
Here's my two cents on a couple points. I'm not clear on why you feel you are not part of the conversation with your friends? Are you saying you're distracted because you are wanting to tell them you're gay? Or just because you aren't saying as much as the others? If that's the case I would posit that conversation is about quality not quantity. I've been in many conversations where the people who were "adding" to the dialogue were actually decreasing the overall quality. Often the person who is appreciated the most is the active listener. That person making meaningful eye contact and inserting prompting questions or points here and there. I would highly recommend not having any mind-altering substances, alcohol or drugs, when coming out. You are placing yourself in a vulnerable position when coming out. Even in the best case scenario where the person is totally supportive you are going to get questions. If your inhibitions are lowered you may say something you aren't ready to divulge. Good luck.
@Viator Thanks for the words, glad to hear that coming out has been such a positive experience for you! Good to hear you're rid of any pink gorillas, or metaphorical ones at least. @zen fix thanks for your advice. I'm ok with the situation that played out now really, just a moment of insecurity perhaps and my imagination running away with itself. I've always been on the quieter side and I'm ok with that. The difficulties associated with coming out is probably the broader issue. I hadn't even considered the point you raised in your second paragraph. I definitely can see the scenario of the floodgates opening and divulging everything. Will (try to) heed your advice! ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2015 at 02:55 PM ---------- I totally understand the standstill feeling. I have felt paralysed in the same spot for a while now, and I am in no place to give advice really but I guess if you want that feeling to change, you have to try something. I wasn't able to tell my friends this time, but next time I'll hopefully get around to it. I'm hardly enjoying the fruits (definitely intended) of living life as a gay man yet either, but maybe by opening yourself up and being honest with these friends first you'll feel better about yourself. And that might spark some action in your life so you can start moving towards enjoying life as a gay man as you say. Telling the few friends I have told (in whatever crappy way I did) has at least made me feel like I've got the ball rolling.
Perhaps part of the problem of moving forward is that you're contemplating telling your friends as a group. That prospect sounds daunting. If it were me, I would start by telling one friend (which you apparently did, albeit in a drunken stupor, and the friend may not have properly assimilated the information).
