Tomorrow I'm moving my clothes to my boyfriend's apartment, and my official address will change to his. I'll still be at the family home several days a week for assorted activities and meals, so it's not like I will be disappearing from their lives, and I've been spending a couple nights a week at his place for the past year anyhow. The legalities are all done and I've been sticking around to ease the transition and try to make sure things are taken care of (with limited success of course, because she really hasn't done much to hold up her end). I have mixed emotions. Coming out wasn't something I had been desperate to do--I always assumed that would happen after we split, and we talked divorce over a decade ago, but I elected not to go through with it out of fear of completely losing the girls. As usual, life had other plans....when it became obvious that I couldn't stay married to her for reasons of my own emotional health, coming out was the trump card that she couldn't very well deny. And then meeting Mr. Right by accident a few months later cemented the deal. But seeing her reactions has been bittersweet and has made me realize this is the right thing to do. She has gotten teary a number of times over my departure, but never once has she said "you're a great guy and I'll miss you", or any of the other things that might indicate I am a person she will be sorry to see go. Instead I've heard a lot of comments about how worried she is to be responsible for x, y, z. Or how weird it will be to go to banquets without me. (Why, I asked? All I ever did was stand there while you chatted with your friends, and you never even acknowledged my presence. "It was nice having someone there for me" was the reply.) I will be missed as a functional entity, not a person. We never even had conversations; I listened to her monologue. I feel genuinely sad for her. She has always been completely wrapped up in her aches and pains, her worries, her perceived crashing responsibilities, her volunteer work, her hatred of her mother and whoever the villain of the week was. She has never seen the people close to her as people, and I was at the top of that list. But I also know that she has no idea that she does it, and has no concept of fixing herself. It's very sad to watch. But I'm very relieved to be getting out of it at last.
As complicated as my feelings are about the actual act of moving, I keep reminding myself of how very happy and right it feels when I'm with him, and how much we love each other and our relationship feels like a real partnership, and I know deep down it's the right thing. I've speculated and probably over-thought what was wrong with my wife and me, and I've really concluded that my being gay wasn't the only problem between us. I remember imagining myself coming out to her, long before I could ever have had the strength to do it, and more than once I imagined her saying "You're gay? What a coincidence...." Our oldest has asked me flat out a couple times if maybe Mom was a lesbian, and she's made more than a few comments that have made me scratch my head. The latest was when the girls were detailing their many high school crushes, and she remarked that she just never had crushes like that on boys when she was in school. And I remember other comments and circumlocutions and behaviors that sound terribly familiar, because I remember doing them myself. The difference is that she's never had any amount of introspection or self-awareness, so where my homosexuality was always very close to the surface, if she were in the closet, it would take her a lot to ever be aware of it on a conscious level. As much as she frustrates me, and as one-sided as our relationship has been for so very long, I have the feeling deep down that I may be the only one who really "gets" her. That's the main thing that's making this so uncomfortable for me. I have to shut down my emotions enough to go to a happier life for myself, but I don't want to shut them down so completely that I stop caring about her. If she really is deeply closeted, she's going to need support when she finally figures it out, and she is so adept at pushing people away that she may have no one else to go to. Am I thinking too much? Probably. I always was the one who took on the weight of the world for everyone else, because I always had the naïve confidence and blind faith that I could handle whatever anyone threw at me. Living ANYWHERE else will give me the chance to be there for her, without being so overtly taken advantage of the way I have been for years. And living with someone I love is something I didn't expect, but am so very grateful for. Deep breath....
Thinking of you as you transition. I'm so glad you found Mr. Right!! Thank you for sharing the inner workings of your marriage and your lifestyle in these posts. I sometimes feel like married or previously married people are the minority, even in the later in life forums and your posts help me feel more normal.
What a story, in that it is both unique and also resonates with that of many others. I get a better picture of her style at this point. The "villain of the week" aspect says something. Then, reading further down, scrutinizing her sexuality is another book, really, and probably one that is best not penned. Wherever her mind may be is just that. This brings up a similar notion with a friend of mine who has, let's just say, some breadth in his capabilities. He's married and he and his wife live like roommates. I've often wondered about her. She is so distant and lives in her own head, though she's very smart. I almost think that she may have had some inklings about her husband, but that it works out well because it doesn't require that much of either of them emotionally. If it works for them, it's none of my business. However, I have known some women who just don't seem to be too in love with their husbands and got married because that's an institution that was expected of them and then begins to feel familiar.
These two lines stood out from the original posting Choirboy. You are doing it for the sake of your emotional wellbeing. How many people sacrifice their own wellbeing to stop someone else feeling pain? Many, in this part of the forum, I imagine. It's a huge price to pay and in the end it's just not worth it, because nobody gains. It's very easy to give in to blackmail or to conjure up excuses and reasons to stay, but the easy option is seldom the best option, for anything in life. On the other hand, having the constant support of the man you love will give you strength to face the remaining hurdles of separation.
Beautiful. I'm so happy for you. I've never had that experience and hope to have it someday. Wish you all the best.
hey CB, so happy that you are moving forward with your life and your love. my ex is alot like yours, and there comes a point where they have to move on their own and not by us moving them along. such a big happy step for both of you, you and your BF i mean.
A little update - went back to the house Monday briefly (before choir practice) and Wednesday for a couple hours. Very strange. She was horribly tense and threw out a few awkward and passive-aggressive comments both days, although Wednesday was the worst. My daughter tested me from across the room that she's been like that for days. There were a lot of veiled comments about how hard it was on the girls the day I left--interesting, because my oldest has told me over and over that they are both behind me and support my decision to leave, so I suspect this is just my ex projecting her feelings on to them. Today was difficult. I had a minor panic/depression attack and ended up leaving work early just to get away and be alone. My bf commented that he went through several months of that. Missing the kids, horrified at how his ex made no effort to clean up after herself in an already-messy house, and never knowing how she would behave to him. I have a long road ahead of me to adjust to all of this. I'm going over there tomorrow--the girls have the homecoming dance, and I'll probably spend the night because I play the organ for the early mass the next morning, and then they have a band competition mid-day (the house is about 35 minutes from the apartment where I live now). I'm not sure which of my ex's personalities will greet me or how it will go. But I suppose I have to allow her emotions to settle, just as mine have to. It's worth it. Truly. It's just not always easy--but that's not exactly news to any of us here.
Hey CB, I know it's not easy, doing the right thing may nevertheless mean something tragic and final... You are still in Family Man mode, still surrounded and preoccupied by the things that filled your former life. From where I am, two and a half years after moving out, these same and all-consuming concerns have faded away. Sure there are the kids, who themselves are growing older and more autonomous, and yes, I do my best to keep in touch, but after a while, even this becomes a new kind of routine...and you live with it. Let time do what it does best, it heals, sometimes with scars. It becomes so that sometimes it's as if your former life was a kind of dream, and now you are awake. Your new life awaits, CB, onward and forward!
This is spot on! At some point, it's time to embrace your new life 100 percent. And in embracing it, you evolve your relationship with your kids to everyone's new reality. While your relationship with your kids will be certainly different, you can find new ways to participate in their lives and still show the same love and affection for them.
Congratulations on finding love Choirboy. Hang in there. Good job being there for your kids and trying to be friendly towards your ex.
Dear CB, It has been a long journey to get to this point. I wish you peace of mind and spirit as you begin this new stage.
