My story..

Does your husband know about your orientation or the women you've been with?

 

I see no benefit in sharing the "past" information with your husband as I am sure that would be painful, but - if you want to have your cake and eat it too - what about bringing someone else into your bedroom together? just a thought

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did in a similar situation. Maybe it will help, maybe not. My husband and I went into our marriage knowing that I wasn't an old-fashioned kind of girl. Occasionally, someone would show up on my radar as I imagine they do in most marriages. Even my marriage was far from perfect, it was happy enough and I had responsibilities. I was able to have "intimate friendships" (platonic, but emotionally satisfying) with some of those people and still keep my promises. Others, I would acknowledge the feelings and then let them go. It was a conscious choice and it worked for me. YMMV

 

This is tough Soulstone, and I empathize with you. Life is rarely ideal.
I take it you are still in a very close relationship with your best friend,
and even having sexual intimacy with her at times? Or are you trying to
keep it platonic?

I know it is very hard to live out of line with your values, yet also hard to live
with longings you feel you can't fulfill.

I had a friend in a similar situation (minus children), but who did not feel close to her husband at all and vice versa, who decided she had to quit pretending and leave her marriage. It cost her a lot, but she doesn't regret it. She didn't even leave him for a woman; she just wanted to be out of a loveless marriage and be herself.

I guess if the emotional intensity with your husband was higher, the sex would be better? Can you spice it up, or don't you want to?

One thing I heard once is sometimes the husband knows; he just doesn't want you to be "in his face" with it. Could this be possible?

I'm sorry you're going through this turmoil.

 

Soulstone, please don't think that I'm judging you for your choices. Do what's best for you and the ones you love. We all have our own path to walk. I'm just sharing my own experience, not holding it up as some kind of model of righteousness. Lord knows, I'm as broken as they come.

 

Hi soulstone, I've read a few of your posts and can relate. I moved out from my wife and baby boy about 2 years ago. Throughout my aduly life I've had relationships with women but something always nagged away in the background. I've not had sex with a guy although I did experiment when I was a kid. Now that your back with your husband.... Does it FEEL RIGHT? Or is there something deep down within you causing pain and suffering?

All the best x

 

Hi i just want to say it is completely your choice if you want to stay married to your husband and be with your family. I am happy for you that you are trying to figure things out and I believe as long as you know what you want in your heart, everything will be alright! Plus most people do check out hot waitress/waiter or a cute stranger anyway, so you are not alone. Happy New Year!

 

Soulstone, thanks for sharing your story with us. It is a difficult situation, isn't it? Hard to know what is for the best. But you are still quite young. 35 is really not old at all. You have time to think about this and think what you really want out of life, and make an informed decision. No need to rush into anything.

 

Happy New Year Soulstone! I wish you peace and happiness as you sort things out. Sometimes we can't have everything.

I know how it is to love someone who is not totally available to me whether it be because they are married, due to religious beliefs or because their feelings changed. Being able to keep these beloved ones as special friends and maintain a platonic love relationship with three people I have been/am in love with has been enough for me. Some of us can be happy and content with that; others can not. I guess for you, time will tell.

 

I felt all kinds of things too, when I surprised myself by ending up in bed with my now gf.

If she would dump me, I may or may not stay married to my husband in the long run, but I would always think back on and cherish my time with her. Kissing her changed my entire life. I now have angst and longing constantly.

So basically I look at it like my marriage as I knew it is over. You can never go back and un-know what you now know. How I responded to a woman in bed will always be with me. Knowing I'm capable of romantic relationship feelings with a woman changed everything I thought I knew about myself.

So now I guess the question is what to do with this information? Remember the event as a happy memory to get through hard times? Put extra effort into reconnecting with the husband emotionally and sexually? Or just altogether lose motivation to be married?

I feel like you - have everything I always wanted and now... do I want it anymore?

 

I think this is a good question too. For me, it was the simplicity of life that I mourned (which was in itself a myth). As I explored further, I realized that a lot of the "deadness" I felt inside was due to not being true to myself in most ways (sexuality being a part of it, small but significant), and I needed to find "me" again. It was sexuality (along with feeling more myself while on vacation with old friends) that triggered the awakening, but wasn't the end for me.

 

I understand your desire to maintain the commitment to traditional monogamy.
I am out to my husband and he has very traditional views regarding monogamy and that is what has prevented me from acting on my desire to be with a woman. I wish I knew because I feel that would help me decide if I would be happier to stay married or divorce, but acting on my desire will bring divorce and I could not keep an affair a secret from him.

 

I feel like I have just been playing a role, as a scared child running away from some unknown fear through a forest with no idea which direction is the path to safety.

Now that I have started to take the time to look at my life....and try to make sense of it all; I feel so stupid that I couldn't see what should have been so obvious.
I still don't know if I am a lesbian or a bisexual that has strong preference for women. I am having trouble reconciling my history with my husband and the idea that I could really be a lesbian.

I know how sad it can feel, but try and be glad in the fact that you can start to see yourself for who you are, even if you don't look for all the answers right away.
Answers don't come quickly.
I admitted to myself that I was bisexual just over 6 years ago, quickly after that I came out to my husband. Before that I was in serious denial. I seriously thought I could pray, fast, force that part of me away. (looking back on it now, I am embarrassed that I was so idiotic.)
Then I woke up and realized I was 30 years old and no matter what I did that part of me was always going to be there. I stopped running away from it.
That is when I started to ask questions of myself and it hasn't been easy. I don't have answers yet and that makes me sad. I'm 36 and I am unsure of my sexual orientation. Yet I am glad because I have stopped running away from myself. I may not know or understand the person I see when I look into a mirror, but I am not afraid of her anymore.