I get the feeling I'm not the first person to go through this, but damn it's still a pain. I feel like my emotional self, my physical self, my professional self, and all the other selves I have don't match up. Part of me is still a kid, right where I left off when I had to first suppress my sexuality. Part of me is a young(er) adult, really hoping to hook up with a 20-year-old. Part of me wants to date a bad boy. Part of me is a 30-something with a job and bills who thinks that a 20-year-old, or 25-year old, just doesn't have enough maturity or life experience for me. Does all this ever even out?
You're definitely not the first or only one. A lot of what you describe is happening to me too, and I imagine it's a very common experience in this sub-forum especially. It's a bit like different versions of yourself are vying for attention, and they aren't the best of playmates. Although I don't speak from experience (I'm still dealing with the issues you describe), the thoughtful side of me says you should go easy on yourself and let those conflicting thoughts happen without too much judgement. There isn't a way that you should be, just the way that you are now. As a general rule, people tend to talk and think about issues that a still 'a thing' for them. The topics that we think or talk about too much, or avoid obsessively, tell us much about the issues that are unresolved in our lives. Sometimes when I think back to issues I had in the past, I'm amazed that I don't think about them anymore, and I'm happy that I've been able overcome them. It doesn't exactly take a PhD to figure out where each of the feelings you describe come from -- and I think you identified some sources pretty well yourself. As the questions of identity are resolved, and you get more comfortable presenting the same way in different settings, I think the conflicts you describe, and the angst they create, will subside.
The technical term is "asynchronous development," and you aren't alone. It's especially common among very high IQ folks and especially in childhood, but it can be found among pretty much anyone.
I had to google that term. There's some truth in it, for sure. Over time, and with effort to face/deal with the remaining 'hang-ups', I do think that the asynchrony will lessen. It must! The sexual identity side of things just needs time to catch up.
Yes, it evens out! But don't try and manage it nor solve it. Just let it take its natural course; and even with the anxiety it brings, try and enjoy it all the same.
