Over the past few weeks, I've made huge strides in finally realizing and admitting that I like guys more than girls, and have started the path to accepting that I'm much closer to gay than straight. As part of this sea change in thinking, I've started to imagine having the 'coming out' conversation with friends and family. While I don't think anyone will outright reject me, I'm worried that people will think I have been dishonest with them for years and years. For years, I seriously thought I was just a sexually repressed straight guy and that all would be put right if I just got over my hang-ups, or if I just met the right girl. Part of my strategy over the past couple years has been to be more open in talking about relationships with family members, friends and work mates. This led to several set-ups and first and second dates which went nowhere (probably inevitably!). While this strategy probably helped me realize that I really don't feel any 'spark' with women, I'm worried that if I finally do come out as gay to family and friends, they will be confused at best, and angry and mistrustful at worst. If the tables were turned, I could imagine thinking, "What game was he playing at? Why the **** would he lie to me, pretending to be into girls, go on blind dates.... when he's been gay all along?!?! That dude is messed up and I don't trust him anymore." On the other hand, it is entirely possible it will be no big deal, and even a fitting explanation to some. How have others who came to the realization that they are gay a little later dealt with this potential to be labeled 'dishonest'? It's easy to say "Don't care what anybody thinks", but I would hate to lose the trust of so many people at home and at work.
I hate to be so blunt, but chances are many people will think you were being dishonest. But even if they do, so what? Its all about what you think and how you feel. For those that question anyones honesty when coming out, the simple reality is that we were put in the closet by a disapproving society with many direct and indirect forms of repression. For some, that caused us to lie, for others, it made finding ourselves very difficult. While I believe that I did deceive when I look back at my journey, I am perfectly fine explaining to anyone that asks how the challenges of homophobia, teasing, bullying, career implications, risk of family rejection and the likes all played a role in pushing me to deceive as well as making it difficult to accept whom I am. Even when the most important person I deceived was myself. I can live with that, and anyone else that is concerned should be able to do the same.
I am kind of in the middle of telling family and friends I'm gay at the moment. Most of them just accepted it at face value. The ones who didn't just asked questions. The most common one was "how could you not know?". And I just reply honestly saying "I don't know, but I do know now." I know there will probably be some who don't take it well, but I think (as much as you don't want to hear it) I'll have to learn not to care what others think. In my experience so far though, I had played the coming out thing up so much in my head that when it actually was time it was....rather anticlimactic. Lol. I think if you are honest with them, they will surprise you. Maybe some will react negatively but I think if they do they probably weren't the healthiest people to have surrounding you at the moment anyway. Take care!!(*hug*)
Some people will never understand the struggle people face while living in the closet. Those that haven't been there can never fully understand. Its not as tho we choose or want to be "dishonest" , we have done so out of a perceived necessity. When its all said and done others are gonna think and believe whatever they want. Those who truly care for you should have some empathy for that.
I think "I know now" is sometimes the best we can all do. When I tell people close to me, I'm going to say something like "the realization was a struggle for me, but I've figured it out now" to signal that a) my process deserves their respect--it was hard for me and b) that I am resolute now, so questioning my conclusion will not be productive for them. Some variation on this might work for you, although my guess is there are even better ideas on the coming out advice forum---from people who've actually done it as opposed to me.
I strongly disagree that people will think you're dishonest. Anyone who understands the coming out process understands how much shame is involved in it. I think every one of us who came out later in life had a period where they were trying to convince themselves they were straight and they did all sorts of things, some of which might have been conscious deception, some unconscious self-convincing. Anyone who genuinely cares about you isn't going to give a crap about what you said as you were processing the understanding that you're gay. I think it's simply enough to say "This was a really scary thing for me and I tried for years to avoid and run away from it, but I couldn't be authentic, and that's when I decided to come out." I think it would be really hard for anyone but a complete asshole to judge you after saying something like that.
If it is close friends and family, you could just explain everything you said in your original post, and that your only just coming to terms with it yourself, and hopefully they will understand and support you then they won't feel that you don't trust them and aren't honest with them. Because from what you've said, I don't think you've been dishonest, you were just figuring stuff out
Responses to this thread have been some of the most comforting and reassuring things I've ever heard, and I appreciate sharing of insights from people who have been through the coming out process. To the OP - I think if someone was to use the word "dishonest" about being in the closet, it would have to mean that they had some expectation that you would feel comfortable sharing such a thing. Maybe like a good friend who is hurt because they thought you'd trust them to accept you no matter what. But, who can know how anyone will react to these revelations? If that were the sentiment behind an accusation of dishonesty, then for that relationship maybe I'd accept a scolding and move to a new level of trust with that person. It would be an indication that I'd let my generic global secrecy get in the way of a personal connection. This just makes me so painfully aware that living life with secrets can be dangerous. And living live without secrets can be dangerous. :icon_sad:
I've been quietly reading over the responses to my original post over the past couple days, and I want to say thanks for all the thoughtful replies. It really does give me strength to receive the support of you guys, and to read the insights of those going through (or who have gone through) a similar situation. While the replies as to whether people will think I was dishonest have varied, they have all been helpful to me to stake out the range of possible responses I will receive in real life. That in itself is reassuring, because when I roll this question around alone in my own head, the worry can snowball tremendously. Despite being so different, so many replies have been comforting: All these posts make me genuinely feel better, and calm the panic inside. While it's all theoretical at this point, these conversations probably won't be as bad as I imagine.
I'm feeling very two-faced tonight. I'm gearing up to attend my first-ever LGBT even tomorrow, but tonight, I had to attend a work-related soiree lots of people in my field I haven't seen in a year or so. Some asked if I had a girlfriend or forgot whether I was married or not. I said no, not yet, still looking, etc. I was also included in typical guy talk about women, etc. The conversations were similar to countless ones I've had in the past, but this time, they caused more sadness within me and detachment from those I was talking to. I was intensely aware that I was omitting information, forcing smiles, and maintaining a facade. I'm trying to stay upbeat about my meet-up tomorrow, but I'm just a bit down on it right now. I feel like who I present externally and who lives in my head and two distinctly different people. Things will probably be better in the morning, but I just wanted to say I'm a little sad tonight -- I'm hyper-aware that I'm not comfortable continuing as straight but not comfortable being gay either.
It's as if your a baby currently crawling and your just making your fist step to walk. You want to walk, but you do not have your balance yet, so you continue to crawl until you do.
Your awareness of the situation is a big deal for you. The discomfort you feel will be part of what eventually compels you out of the closet.
Hi ShowshoeGeek, Thanks for asking. I posted an update about in in my "30s and still confused" thread in this same forum. Overall, it was really good, relaxed and low key. Much more 'normal feeling' than I anticipated. The hardest part was walking through the door.
