Hi, I haven't posted much in the last few days but I've been popping in and out to see what people are posting. So how are you all doing in your journeys? Me, in case anyone is interested: I am starting to feel less of a perpetual lump in my chest and starting to feel more level headed about things. Something clicked the other day where I thought, everything will happen in its own time. No rush to come out, no rush to change my marriage drastically, just take one baby step at a time and live as authentically as I can in each thing I do. I'm going to see a counselor on a couple of weeks, and I think that will be good for me. I've been journaling and planning out more things to tak to my husband about. I've opened up my mind a little more each day to my attraction to women, I try to make that a goal each day to respond mentally as naturally as I can on my everyday interactions. I'm also seeking out lgbt social evrnts near me. And I've come out to my bestie and my mom. I want more time to talk to my mom. So how are you sll doing, feeling, etc? Just checking in . ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2015 at 10:55 PM ---------- Urgh, Autocorrect, all 'ons' should be 'in'
Hey, I was off on vacation some of the month so I haven't been as active, but what a nice thought to check in! I'm still at a not-so-good place, trying to figure out what to do with these feelings and whether I can still be with my husband. So far only my TC, my BFF, and my therapist know about these feelings. Anyway, I'm glad you have that level headed feeling and recognize that this will work out - I need to get there!!
It's so hard to deal with all of these emotions, I understand your feelings! It's overwhelming. I wish you lots of courage and strength in finding your way forward. As for me, I kind of feel like I had to *force* myself to get to a calmer place because I was not able to think about anything else for the the last month or two, just constantly wanting to introspect and look at things online to come to terms with my feelings...but I have a 3 year old and I just can't afford to be checked out that way. But I also have to care about me and not forget me so I know that I can't go back to the way things were, so I came to feel like the baby steps approach was the healthiest. Who's to say how I'll feel tomorrow, but I hope to keep a decent perspective.
I agree, what a kind and thoughtful thread! Thank you for asking. I have been visiting this site almost every day and I'm subscribed to about 12 threads, most in this "later in life" forum. I have been pondering a lot because things that weren't really at the forefront of my mind before are starting to come up a lot in my thoughts. Thinking about how I did vow 20 years ago that I'd never conceal my bisexuality again from a man, and how that was a certain kind of freedom. And how I have my life arranged now so that I have a few male friends who know everything about me and have no possessive inclinations toward me. In particular one who lives near me and is actively encouraging me to pursue women. He even did a search on a dating website and made a point of reporting that there were several "women seeking women" nearby. It occurs to me that if I decided to come out to my family or coworkers or heaven forbid, neighbors, maybe people wouldn't be that surprised. A woman lives alone long enough, doesn't talk about any men in her life, maybe people start to question her orientation anyway... So what I am left with is my own negativity, terror and hopelessness about being able to have a relationship with a woman. I have every excuse in the world to not reach out. I'm too old, my background is too heterosexual, I don't have the right bedroom skills, I've got the "H", I don't want to be heartbroken, blah blah blah. Still glad you asked? Really though I am feeling very accepted and encouraged by the support I have found here in a short time, others who are experiencing the frustration and inner conflict that I have felt for decades. No easy answers here but gosh, it is so nice to be able to say these things "out loud" for the first time. I think that part of my struggle is, I was very much shamed and hated by some people in my past for my attraction to women. It took me a long time to meet men who didn't judge me negatively for it. So my search for acceptance has been possibly more important than searching for a woman. Just being able to say "I have loved women" to myself and to anyone who purports to be intimate with me. Getting over that hurdle has been at the top of my mind for so long, I don't actually know if I am actively seeking to have a woman in real life again. I just wanted not to feel awful about myself and be among people who like me as I am. I guess I probably need to post a thread. Thank you again for your kind interest! (*hug*) ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2015 at 07:29 AM ---------- I'm glad to hear that you are relaxing about all this. Being ostracized or condemned for natural feelings takes its own toll on us. Just the fact that "coming out" is a thing, means that we feel the pressure of non-acceptance, maybe have internalized some shame... very bad things for humans to feel all our lives! It helps so much especially being able to hear other women talk about it. Not having to burden real-life female friendships with a revelation that might make them feel awkward. Being in a safe place to just say things that we feel we can't say. Maybe you are experiencing that feeling of freedom here also. Keep keeping us posted!
Snowshoe, Thanks for sharing your story! What you say about everything boiling down to your own negativity, I'm so with you on that. I feel like it's really my own insecurities more than anything that have kept me in this place for so long. I don't think the people in my life would even care, but I feel so insecure about my own feelings and my own sexuality that I've basically buried it for years. I'm also so glad to have found this supportive site. I had wondered for sinking if I was simply a freak, I thought no one could be tis unsure of themselves. so many here are facing a lot of the same questions, it's encouraging to see I'm not alone. I hope you can find self acceptance and come to a good place with everything.
Im doing a bit better, bc me and my gf get to spend a lot more time together now that our kids are back in school. Our husbands both know about us, and though they aren't happy, they don't prevent us from seeing each other. I was quite depressed for awhile. I want nothing more than to be able to start a new life with her. We are waiting a bit for that as our husbands will both fight us hard and we don't want to put the kids through a messy custody battle right now. So im always sad at night I wish I could sleep next to her. But at least we do get to spend time together which is always amazing, we are best friends, have an amazing bond and love each other so much, the best time is when we snuggle and talk, which we could do for hours. Im hopeful that someday we will be able to just be together but for now at least we do get to be together a good amount.
Nice thread here baristajedi. I've just been riding the roller-coaster. Pretty confused and distracted yesterday and today but a lot less heartache which is good. Been kind of hiding out in various activities and avoiding my family which I realize has to stop. All in all though I think I'm okay.
