I've just been to a conference where my colleagues from all over the world attended. One of them being a woman I studied with, and I've always been very fond of her. So when she suggested we rent a place together for the duration of the conference I actually jumped up and down. In the end, it didn't happen because it was a last-minute plan and we couldn't find anything, so I stayed at a hotel. This girl is sensitive yet outgoing, and very attractive. Briefly I was a bit of a shoulder to cry on for her, as she was breaking up from a long-term (straight) relationship, then falling for 2 different men shortly thereafter. She knows about my own "dead" and unfulfilling long-term (straight) relationship (which recently ended, but she doesn't know that). When I arrived in the city of the conference I kept seeing her. Was that her across the street? Was that her over there? I ran into her at the supermarket. My face lit up. We parted ways and later that night I began allowing the idea that I might have a crush on her. During the first days of the conference my mind drifted to her. In a room, I was aware of where she was seated and when she spoke, it felt good to be permitted to look at her face. We had agreed to find some time to catch up and talk about life, like we do when we see each other. I was looking forward to spending time alone with her. However, we aren't close friends at all. I noticed how I felt more shy than usual around the women. I took care not to be too "weird", too interested in them or enthusiastic around them. I noticed how I was much more casual and open around the men. I didn't feel threatened by them or evaluated by them, which is what usually happens. On the night before the last day there was a party for everyone. I danced a bit, but didn't feel free, instead the shyness kicked in. I left the dance floor for a while but came back, and this time took off my shoes and socks. I moved across the floor and saw my friend. She was leaning into this girl. They were hugging? It was a very friendly hug. I looked again, and they were kissing. My heart sank. I went to sit on something. I looked again. They were really kissing. It felt like I was underwater. My body turned heavy. Then I got up, went out of there and into the street with bare feet mumbling "oh shit oh shit" and I went and sat down, and threw some rocks. I was angry. I was hurt. What the **** was happening? I didn't understand my reaction. It felt like I was watching a movie with me in it. !!?%ยค#AFfjs?#!! she was kissing that girl! What now!? I didn't want to go back in and risk seeing them, so I took my things and went back to the hotel. I didn't know how to process my emotions or even what they were. I didn't make it into bed until about two hours later. The next day, after some sleep, I was able to end everything on a positive note, hugging them both goodbye (separatedly) without (hopefully) giving off a weird vibe. Am I crazy?
Aww, sorry that you had that experience. Seems like you're really yearning for female companionship and more. Hang in there, you'll probably run into it when you least expect it.
Tough having this sort of situation especially when colleagues are about. Always easier to guide from the outside - what were you afraid of with this woman? Your feelings for her, rejection? I hope that when you see her again you will be a main character in the movie. Be well - J
Thanks both of you! JohnVegas, I was probably afraid of both things you mentioned. Now I just want to go off and be alone and never open myself up to anyone because there's nothing there. I have nothing to add to a conversation, nothing to give to anyone and I am not interesting. I do not make a difference in anyone's life. My needs and desires are probably not there, I'm not feeling them. This is where I'm at, at the moment. Strange. No, not strange. This is the shy sort of persona I've been making use of for most of my life. Never saw myself as a sexual being. Or someone who could be attracted to others and act on it. There's something vague I keep remembering, from school, how I tried not to be weird around other girls. Maybe I liked them too much. I'm not sure. I feel like it's wrong. Not sure what I feel. Very confused about what it is to love someone, care for someone, be in love, be a friend, different types of attraction. I feel ashamed. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.
You may have been afraid, but you seem to be able to voice your feelings which takes strength. There is a great quote from FDR, former president here in the US. "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Again, give yourself credit for what you can - when you are ready - feel free to share yourself with the world. What is the worst thing that can happen? Be well
Go get the next one, darling. There's a lady out there for you. HUGS ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2015 at 02:00 PM ---------- PS I fully realized the magnitude of my crush on my best friend when I got jealous of her husband hugging her. I knew I was in way too deep at that point. Many of us have had those wild moments where everything sort of coalesces. Sometimes they suck, quite frankly. Hopefully you'll have another moment just as transforming but on the positive side of things.
Ok, so before you start going in the direction of doubt again (as I've seen the tendency in your second comment), there is a clear sign that you were attracted to this girl, you wanted to be with her or at least you wanted to be with a girl I mean, this may sound weird that I'm starting with that, but I'm usually going around the same or similar circles as you seem to: confusion, attraction, pain because nothing happens, which is throwing you into doubt again. And so on. Yeah, I'm relying on my experiences here, so just tell me if it doesn't apply to you, just trying to paint a picture in my mind about how these stuff could play out. About why are we always thrown back to doubting and confusion. For me, it starts to clear up, at least the way the cycles go - now I can say that in this moment I'm in the doubting&suffering phase again, but two days ago (when my friend who I apparently have a crush on was in town) I was the gayest person in the city. At least that's how I felt. Everything was clear as day. Of course she is straight thus the mission is destined to failure, but still. Today, more precisely now I feel I'm in doubts again. I worked until late and I started feeling so alone because most of my colleagues who were also there until late know each other or at least there are separate groups who know each other and I don't really known anyone, and there are a few who seem to be very close friends and in my mind this idea appeared that they are gay (a few of them seem, but I'm horrible at detecting anyway, so..) and they know each other and I felt somehow alone and stupid and different and so on, and on the way home this idea started appearing in my head that hey, I might be straight...Hehe...I think it's important to track down the feeling. I'm not so good at this but trying to practice it lately So usually fear appears out of some very flawed logic or connections we make in our brain. I think. Or at least hope so. But it makes sense, if we go back and analyse how we got to the fear/ doubt part. Ah, and it was so funny, and I swear I'm not making this up, exactly when I was thinking that I might not be gay, I saw two girls kissing in the tram stop. And this is my first time in this city when I see two girls kiss. Or, I think my first time in real life when I see this clearly, in front of me (don't laugh, really :icon_redf ). So maybe this was a sign? :icon_bigg Anyway, about the jealousy, I totally get it, that it made you feel so bad, and I'm so sorry it happened. But if you look at the bright side, it's clear that you somehow realized in that moment that you really wanted to be with her, and (again, based on my experience) probably felt frustrated because you didn't act on it. This, I think is not about doubt and confusion, it's about frustration because you didn't go for what you wanted. So yeah, maybe this doesn't sound like the above advertised "bright side", I just wanted to point out again that it is so easy to slide down into doubt and confusion again, but it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe it's just our brain's way in trying to save us from suffering (look, you don't have to suffer that she is kissing that other girl, I will throw you in this doubt again, maybe you're not even gay. Or, hm, I see you are suffering because you are not friends with this possibly gay group of people, hey you know what, you might not even be gay. There, fixed )
I don't think it's totally unusual for feelings to be strongest when an object of said feelings is around. I know I feel "more bi" when I'm talking with/lusting after someone (AKA BFF - at least for right now)
TeaTree, that's very insightful, thank you! Exactly, that's exactly the kind of circles I go around in. Pain, doubt, attraction etc. I blame myself for... wanting to be close to someone. I might be trying to prove to myself that I'm not worthy or something. The funny thing is, the reason I didn't act on this attraction is that I decided that this girl is "out of my league". That's a rationalization that works like a "get out of jail free"-card in Monopoly! I get to be passive and shy, and then when I've proved to myself that the girl is attracted to someone else, I get to feel bad about that. All because I'm afraid of what would happen if I did act on my attraction! (It would be too good) The funny thing is, I used to write all women off as "out of my league". Women were just too gorgeous, too wonderful... no, I'd better go be with a man - and then my brain would shut down. Surely to protect me from the pain of being different somehow. The logic is surely flawed as you say! I recognize that thing where you feel like you belong one day, and then the next day you feel so silly... and you change your behaviour or come up with new reasons for things being the way they are... I've also felt like the gayest person in the world at times. Two weeks later, I've felt asexual. Fascinating really... CapColors, thanks! And I guess at the end of the day even the strange or upsetting experiences are helpful, to shed some more light on how I feel/who I am. Zen fix, thanks bi2me, yes - I agree. I'm still kind of surprised about the fact that I don't get to choose who I'm attracted to. In that sense, I feel very young, almost like a child!
