But my husband thinks I did.. I came out about 6 months ago, after having my first experience with another woman, my best friend who I already had an emotional relationship with, and now we have had an amazing complete relationship since then. Our husbands aren't happy but want us to stay with them for the kids, and would fight hard if we left to start over together, and we don't want a custody battle right now. Our husbands though they aren't happy don't prevent us from seeing each other, and we spend a lot of time together me and her. I believe I was always a lesbian, but my brain refused to let me acknowledge that and I brushed it deep, deep inside. At one time I think a few years ago I may have somewhat admitted it to myself I wasn't straight but I swore to myself Id never act on it and id just continue to fake being straight to save face and avoid all that comes with being gay. Then all of a sudden I couldn't resist it and theres no turning back. Im happy with it now. Though I am only out to my husband, a couple family members and a few friends, I seriously feel free. Like I am finally able to let go of my fears and be (somewhat) of who I was meant to be. Im actually comfortable with it. My husband is quite hurt (rightfully so), but he often argues with me that I chose this, and I could choose to give her up and return to a "full married life with him" as he puts it. Well, he refuses to acknowledge our marriage was never normal, we rarely had sex (I had no interest in it ever), we even went a few years with no sex at one point. I never wanted to kiss or snuggle with him (or any guy). He thinks my just settling was good enough. Im trying to convince him I didn't choose this I really didn't. I would have given anything when I was younger to not feel different all the time and not have to harbor and hide who I really am. Me and my gf still hide our relationship from most people. I wish we didn't have to but we do. We went on a trip together at the beginning of the summer and it was seriously the best time ever, no one knew us and we didn't have to hide anything. It felt amazing. I know it has to be so hard and hurtful to find out your wife is a lesbian, but I wish he wouldn't keep telling me I chose this and Im choosing to hurt our family.
You didn't choose your orientation but you did choose to have a relationship outside of your marriage. I'm betting that is hurting him far more than your orientation. An apology for the affair would be in order. Don't apologize for being a lesbian and make it clear to him if you intend to continue with the other relationship. If he chooses to continue with your marriage then he has to drop the complaint.
Yes youre right, I did choose to have a relationship with my best friend. But we did as soon as we decided we were going to pursue it, told our husbands and didn't try to hide it. We already tried to talk about moving on and being together but the husbands are the ones who don't want us to leave them.
I've spent years trying to "unchoose" my affection for men. This has contributed to unnecessary anxiety in my life and some of the stress in my marriage.
Thank you for the clarification I had the impression this was at first kept secret and you told them later. It sounds like he's just really hurting and wants things how they were before. Maybe a councilor can drive home what you've already told him. This is who you are, it isn't going to change. From what you said I don't think he's realized this. He is still hoping he can somehow convince you to be straight or at least only have a relationship with him. It might also be helpful for him to hear it from other men who have come through this. I'm very sorry, this must be really hard on all of you.
