I'm wondering what experiences others here have with recalling old memories -- perhaps nearly forgotten ones -- with a new understanding that you're gay. A couple days ago, someone mentioned Chris O'Donnell in conversation, and I suddenly remembered going to see a cheesy mountain-climbing movie starting him at the threatre with my brother when I was 17 or 18. I didn't remember the name of the movie, but I remember being transfixed by Chris O'Donnell in his tank top. At the time, I interpreted that as me being jealous of his amazing body and great haircut and perfect face -- that I wanted to BE him. Back then, in my teens, I harboured a lot of discomfort with sexuality in general because I was physically a 'late bloomer' and didn't feel the 'raging hormones' that everyone said I was supposed to be experiencing. I was always on the lookout for signs of my budding attraction to women, but rarely found any -- hence my discomfort and lack of confidence. So after that conversation a couple days ago, I googled the movie (it was Vertical Limit, btw), and found this picture: I was similarly transfixed, but now interpret my reaction in a completely different way. I look at this picture in the same way I now allow myself to check out good-looking guys on the sidewalk. He's smoking hot! I really believed I didn't experience sexual attraction back then when I was 17/18, but in hindsight, I think I was wrong. I think I just I misinterpreted those feelings in a non-sexual way. Cinematically speaking, Vertical Limit was such a stupid movie that there's NO REASON that I should remember it. But Chris O'Donnell on the rocks is permanently burned into my mind. And now I think I know why. Anyway, I don't find this revelation disturbing at all. In a way, it's reassuring, because it helps me to recognize that I've had this feelings for a LOOONG time, but just didn't recognize or acknowledge them.
I know I definitely did experience sexual attraction back then for guys, what a massive distraction it was.
Agreed. Chris O'Donnell is hot.... I know when I was younger I interpreted events and thoughts and "feelings" in a way I was raised to. how school and society and my family and my religion taught me I should be viewing things or thinking about things. When I had feelings for my female best friend it was just bc I really liked her personality and who she was. I would conveniently forget about the fact she made me blush when she talked to me and I got butterflies in my stomach when I was near her. Totally plutonic emotions...wink, wink. All my friends were so concerned about dating a boy, kissing a boy, etc and I was always like, um ok, I guess I want to as well?? I didn't date until I was 21, for several different reasons but I think a major one (seriously a light bulb this very second...) was that I didn't like boys all that much. I liked HER, but we were totally best friends. I never liked pictures of naked guys...or guys bodies, never was like wow that's amazing. I always thought I was weird for not liking them but kinda just tossed it aside. Now I kinda understand things more. Lol. Nice question Antinous, totally is giving me an aha moment. I really see my pattern now. Wow. I really do like girls. A lot, and always have
Antinous I was also a late bloomer in terms of accepting my sexuality, and I "admired" other guys who had girlfriends in junior and high school. Acceptance of my sexuality now allows me to properly interpret the signals in retrospect, that I was attracted to the guys that I admired. PS - Don't let OTH make you feel bad about yourself. He missed a few exits himself
Oh, I experienced sexual attraction to guys in my teens alright, but I always knew what it was that I felt. However, there were other emotions I experienced but pushed into the back of my mind until they turned up again, unbidden, years later. One such emotion was fear. Last year I was watching the movie of Vito Russo's masterwork, The Celluloid Closet, when a clip of an old Elizabeth Taylor/Montgomery Clift movie, "Suddenly Last Summer," based on a Tennessee Williams story, came on. The clip was the final scene — the big reveal — in which Elizabeth Taylor, under psychiatric care, finally remembers what happened to her husband during their Spanish holiday: he is outed as a homosexual and pursued up a mountainside by a crowd of angry peasant boys until they reach the summit, where he is killed and devoured! It was certainly over-the-top (in more ways that one), even for Tennessee Williams, and I had completely forgotten it. But I think it must have made a huge impression on me because when I saw it again all these years later, I instantly remembered the whole thing. I was probably 10 or 11 years old when I first saw it and was just becoming aware of my sexuality.
Yum, Chris O'Donnell. I had such a thing for him, too, especially in Circle of Friends. My memories didn't change a ton, because I think that my sexuality actually changed late in life. Basically I think I've always been interested in both men and women but it wasn't until hormones surged that the levels of interest rose above a threshold to be noticeable. Strange, I know.
When I was in middle school and high school, I had very low self-esteem. I didn't want to be me and often daydreamed about switching lives with other guys who were better liked and more attractive than me. My sexual fantasies at that time revolved purely around the idea of escaping into another man's body and life. I was in such deep denial that I was gay that I could write off my attraction to men as simply being jealous that they "had it so much easier than me". Internalized homophobia twisted my mind into thinking of strange ways to tell myself I was not gay when that is exactly what I was. I was also deeply ashamed that imagining the fantasy of becoming another man was my only way of getting sexual release. I still struggle with feeling like I could be physically attractive to another man as a part of that. I guess I am just trying to say that I can relate though my situation was a bit different. Thank you for sharing!
^ This. I relate very strongly to this, SimpleMan. In my teen years, I had quite the complex about my physical/sexual attractiveness...to the point that I had (privately) decided I would never be attractive to anyone and I would lead an asexual life. Topics like girlfriends, crushes, etc. embarrassed me to no end (wasn't sure why), and I was desperately jealous of the guys that seemed able to date girls and talk about it. I didn't lust after girls, however, and I didn't feel physically attractive. So being the smart cookie I was, I thought if only I could be magically transported into the mature body of one of these guys, my hetero sex drive would be awakened and all would be well. Of course that was impossible, so I felt terribly stuck for a very long time. Looking back now, I think I was more interested in these guys' bodies than anything else, and I felt so terribly embarrassed about girls, dating, etc. because the idea felt so inauthentic to me. Anyway, it's really interesting reading the replies so far. New ideas and memories are popping up!
Firstly, Chris O'Donnell is a good looking dude. I had a post about as a kid watching the show Emergency. I never really cared about fire related subjects. However I remember I never missed an episode. A couple of months ago I saw an article in Facebook about the I believe 40th Anniversary of Emergency, then it hit me as a kid I had a crush on Randolph Mantooth who played John Gage on the show. Even today he's still a good looking dude.
Yep. Realizing crushes. The adventures of Natty Gan. Disney movie. Loved Natty Gan and of course there were others!
Actually, I think I would better phrase it as: having started on the journey in the 70's; had no idea where I was going as the wrong directions mislead me in the 80's; while weaving in and out of traffic in the 80's and bit of 90's; then took a massively long detour from the 90's to first decade of 2000's; before finally finding my bearings and properly continuing the journey today Definitely old memories in a new light!
Firstly, I, too, will jump on the Chris O'Donnell train. :la: Anyways, I have my own 'late bloomer' experience, but it wasn't rooted in denial. Up until a few years ago, I legitimately didn't know crap and pretty much was oblivious to (mostly) all this attraction yoohah. I can't seem to gather why I hadn't noticed anything sooner though...it seems to make no sense. I have, in recent times, looked at pics and such of people I went to school with, as one example, and it confuses me how some of them I find (incredibly) attractive now I didn't see as such way back when...and most of said people look exactly the same (except older obviously}. It's confusing how they seemed to go completely unnoticed by me at the time, with this in mind.
A lot of this fits me too, although I never felt ashamed about it--in fact, I assumed until well into college that all guys felt that way, and I was just picky where girls were concerned. But I look back on basically every TV show I ever watched as a kid and realize how fascinated I was by the guys. Albert Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie used to make me go absolutely crazy; Randolph Mantooth in Emergency, and a host of others. We belonged to some lame club when I was 8 or 9 where we would go swim, and I remember seeing the naked adult men parading around the locker room and I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. At 8 or 9! My family was so closed off where sexuality was concerned that connecting attraction with love and family never even occurred to me until much later. Had I ever put two and two together at a normal age, I would probably have been one hell of a flamer. Of course, being a generally naïve and trusting person, I shudder to think what else might have happened, so I suspect the silver lining is that I am alive to come out in my 50's instead of dead of AIDS or gay bashing or a tryst gone bad in my 20's or 30's. There's always some silver lining to be found.
Choirboy sounds like my life. Only I worked at the Y as a kid cleaning the locker rooms. Always looked at the guys. May be Out late, however it's great to be out.
I remember assessing how cute other girls were, in school and such, when I was a child like 8-9 years old? I remember watching the Winter Olympics in Norway on TV with my mom in 1994 (I was 11). There were children singing as part of the opening ceremony and I was like, "Norwegian girls are very cute". I recall thinking that maybe that was a weird thing to say, but I also thought I was stating a fact, obvious to everyone. I thought girls were cute because that's what everyone thought, right? Great thread!
I was very much the same-often chalked it up to jealousy or just thinking the person was "cool". I remember having pictures up on my walls of musicians/actors while my brothers had started doing the same with models etc. lol funny how naive we can be about ourselves.
Interestingly I only noticed girls in kindetgarten and elementary school, boys didn't even exist for me. I had this friend, a girl, and I was often looking at her, noticing her shapes and was thinking about how beautiful she is, I'd like to look like her. And I remember noticing her butt shape and comparing it to mine... Later on when I was eighteen I had a crush on her but couldn't admit to myself that this meant anything. If I look back now I'm realizing that there were a lot of signs, although in my twenties I managed to numb myself down and after that started my relationship with my current bf so partial numbing down continued.
I don't recall being attracted to any men in movies. But those guys tend to be a cookie cutter type that usually isn't what I find appealing. I attended a conservative Christian high school and the crushes I had on some of the guys there I just chalked up to wanting to hang out with these cool guys or that type of thing. Looking back now it's obvious that I had a very deep attraction to some of these male classmates.
