Of those who acknowledged their sexuality at a young age and just went with it. Yes, I know there are no what-ifs in life. It is what it is. But my brothers cousin (my brother and I had different dads) posted a bunch of anniversary pictures of her and her wife, they've been together 6 years now, married 1.5. My semi-cousin as Ive lovingly called all of my brothers cousins who aren't really cousins but are, has been out as a lesbian since age 15. She is about 7 years younger than me, and her and her now-wife have been together 6 years. I remember back before I even acknowledged I am a lesbian, looking at pics of them and feeling like wow, it must be so much better to live with another girl than a guy (Ive been married almost 8 yrs now). They are so happy and open. I know, if I didn't choose the road I did I wouldn't have my amazing son. I do have a beautiful amazing girlfriend now who also happens to be my best friend . We spend a lot of time together, and our husbands though they aren't thrilled they don't prevent us from seeing each other. Yet here I am, night after night, sad we cant be together at night. Im happy we get to spend time together but depressed and sad that we cant just start a life together right now bc of kids and husbands and what not. Im so angry at myself. For being such a coward. I knew deep down probably by age 10 -12 I was a lesbian. My brain wouldn't even let me begin to acknowledge it. I swore to myself if it was true Id never act on it to avoid the social stigma. I am a predominant person in my community who works with children (since I was a kid myself that's been what ive done, worked with kids) and I didn't want any homophobic people ruining my career. Now Im basically living a double life and my girlfriend is in my same field of work, we actually work side by side. Most people I think have no clue but a few people close to me have figured it out, and we have told a few ppl. But Im so angry at myself and angry at society bc if I didn't repress my true self for so long I could possibly be living happily with someone I truly loved right now and not walking on eggshells every day trying to be happy with the partial relationship I get with the one I love.
I get it, I can't say I have any true regrets, because I've lived my life with being true to what I knew of myself in the moment. However, yesterday it was walking by my old theatre school and it brought back all these memories I'df self exploration. I was angry at myself, I thought "why couldn't you have figured this out then! Why were you still bothering with men?" But I wasn't ready. Pick was exploring my options, but I wasn't ready to step so far out of my comfort zone to be with a woman. It all takes time, and all in its own time, right? At least that's how I see it.
As time goes on and you build more confidence and happiness with your life, the thoughts of jealousy and what if's seem to diminish. Don't think about what was, think about where you are today and the future you have. That's what matters!
I can definitely relate! My younger brother is openly gay, and a close friend of mine is 18 and openly gay. He's been out since he was 14. A lot of times, I find myself really wishing I had been more open with my feelings at that age. I remember being sexually attracted to guys as early as 11. And yes, I had romantic crushes on at least one girl in high school, but it fits the motif of most girls I've been interested in (not a physical attraction; we were close friends first, then I grew interested in dating...it didn't happen with this girl though). I often feel like now if I had been open back then, perhaps I would have explored dating guys at s young age and figured out if that was for me for sure. The younger generation (or younger end of our generation) all seem to be so much more open and understanding of themselves than people were at my high school and even college. And it just wasn't that long ago!
I can't totally relate to how you are feeing. I have a friend from high school who is a lesbian and she recently married the love of her life and I was insanely jealous looking at the pictures of her wedding. I get jealous seeing lesbian couples together shopping, or having a nice dinner. I am envious that they are happy to be who they are and that they can live openly in love and content with their beloved. I get angry at mysed that I did not pursue feelings decades ago that I had for another women, but looking back in my 14 year old self in the day and age I grew up in there was no way I would have had the maturity to deal with such a complex issue. I did marry a man and had my two handsome boys and for that I am forever grateful. I know you're currently in a very difficult situation and I know that you want nothing more than to be with your girlfriend and move forward and build a life together. I am sorry that you have to go through that. But take from the situation the positives. You have found one another, you love one another back. You have made promises to one another to be together and build a family together. You have also mentioned that you get to spend a lot of time with her and see her quite often. Cherish those moments. Your time together will come. There are many of us who are not so lucky and I know for me specifically, I watched the love of my life push me away and totally break my heart. I love with that day after day. You are very lucky to have one another and your love for each other...it will get better and you two will be the couple that others see and are envious of.
I can relate with what you are saying, and this is something I'm really struggling with. For me this manifests itself more like a deep frustration about my age, I feel that I need to make these steps which others made when they were younger, I imagine that it must be easier to find gay friends and date if you are younger and so on. So I too feel jealous when looking at lesbian couples but in the same time I'm happy that finally people are more open so I can actually see lesbian couples, though not so often... So for me it's more like "why wasn't I born ten, twenty years later?". Now it's so freaking easy, same sex couples in the media, people have who to relate to. We who weren't repulsed by the other sex were so easily convinced back then that we can only be straight, being gay for us wasn't even on the menu... But this will happen even later on, there still will be people who will realize later in life in my opinion. This is the paradox where I, the person who I am today is longing for a different past, but if the past would've been different I wouldn't be the person who I am today :icon_bigg
