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random thoughts, maybe an update-ish?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ebda30, Sep 24, 2015.

  1. ebda30

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    Being OPEN about my gender and sexuality issues has been such a disturbing eye opening experience. I hate and love it at the same time. I've come to the realization that my gender was not as big an issue as I thought. I THOUGHT that's what my life long angst was, that's why I was depressed and anxious, was causing I was not expressing myself the way I felt was right for ME. I told people close to me I felt neither like a boy or a girl. But prefer to "dress like a boy". Husband was completely fine, as was others. However, this opened flood gates for a lot of shit ass garbag surrounding my sexuality.

    Initially , I came out to my husband as bisexual, but the more we talked, the more I talked to my sister, the more reading I did and the more I reflected on my thoughts and feelings, the more I realize I may in fact, be lesbian. My husband is taking it well, he's incredibly hurt, but also incredibly supportive .my anxiety and panic attacks have exploded this week. Had a complete break down panic and it was the first time I've felt suicidal in nearly a decade. I just felt like I couldnt, anymore. I know my uhh, don't know the right word, but like, pull towards wanting to die and how much I scare myself, I told my husband. He's seriously amazing, which kind of makes all this worse. I want to feel for him like he does for me, It feels impossible.

    My therapist says I am doing good with how I'm handling my anxiety and panic attacks, and that being able to recognize when I need help is critical.

    My husband says I look at him differently, don't treat him like I used to, which isn't the case. I told him nothing had changed, only now you know, and you see that there isa difference in the way we look at each other.

    We are staying together. He knows that I cannot love him the way he loves me, or in the same way. He's always known this, now we BOTH kind of know why tho. This is such a heartbreaking roller-coaster so much of me wishes I could have known all this before, but still a part of me LOVES having my children, and knowing my husband, he may not be an amazing husband at times, but God if he's not the most amazing person, my best friend.

    He and my therapist both think my religious upbringing has caused the mass confusion in my brain. Which makes me angry, I went to therapy before to sort thru childhood damage, I felt trying to answer my own questions about religion, which led me to not believing entirely was therapeutic and I resolved the issues region did. Not even close to so. I cannot even begin to describe my level of frustration I have, I feel like my brain and thoughts aren't even my own because of the amount of altering or molding religion did, I feel, without my permission. Stranger in my own head.

    Anyway, we are going to start marriage therapy with a different counselor who specializes in mixed orientation marriages. My husband and I both discussed how we've both felt for years that our marriage was not going to last, but we are not ready to just give up. I feel like Iwe've spent the last 13yrs tearing it up like bamfs and a slight change in dynamic, we can work. Open marriage is not for us, at least not currently or in the near future as we have a lot to sort thru. I'm not even sure of my thoughts about aknowledging myself, let alone tellong others. I know one thing for sure, it will never be while we are living here

    We've recently had to lesbian couples move into our cul DE sac, aside from us VERYONE is vry conservative was talking to a neighbor yesterday when she speculated that new neighbors may be lesbian I told her they were (their kids are friends with our kids) and she said "ew" and "that's the last thing I want in the circle" I wanted to vomit, cut her throat, and yell at her that I was gay, maybe not in that order.

    This has gotten SOO long. I appreciate whoever actually gets thru it! A big thank you to all the wonderful women on this page that have articulated so perfectly their personal experiences in a way that I've never been able to explain mine. It has helped in ways, I'm sure you may or may not even know
     
  2. Thirdtimecharm

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    I identify with so much of what you said. I feel for you, I really do and can relate on so many levels. I have dealt with a religious upbringing as well and turned into someone I didn't want to be but was supposed to be. You are brave taking the steps you have. I am glad you have ur husband for support. I do understand so much of the statement that you really cannot love him the way he loves you. You're doing the right thing, and you have a lot of support here. Keep being honest with yourself....
     
  3. ebda30

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    What's Shitty is I always THOUGHT this was what I wanted. Always pushed aside the unhappiness cause is what I wanted, wasn't it? Therapist says its just as likely the only reason I wanted this was because I was essentially programmed to, cause of our religion. I was never encouraged to be anything other than a wife and mother. Was obsessed with becoming that, thought I would fix everything by getting married and having children. And now I feel like a failure, basically. I didn't have the magical feelings everyone talks about and no matter how hard I tried it still never felt the way I thought.

    I'm suppose to imagine my ideal life for therapy next week and the while idea its so foreign. I can't even think about what I'd want to actually be, etc. it is mind blowing how easily outside sources can completely Fuck you're thoughts and brain.

    I've learned tho, that it was the best chive I've ever made to raise my children without religion. Cause holy shit.
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    Pretty much just summed up a lot of how I have felt about this entire situation of me "discovering" myself, or more so accepting my sexuality at near forty. So well put ebda30.

    "I was never encouraged to be anything other than a wife and mother. Was obsessed with becoming that, thought I would fix everything by getting married and having children. And now I feel like a failure, basically. I didn't have the magical feelings everyone talks about and no matter how hard I tried it still never felt the way I thought." That's me to a T. Marriage then kids. That was my place. I wanted nothing more, and was also obsessed at attaining that goal as perfectly and as purely as I possibly could. And then I get there, marriage and kids and now.....wait what? Things are not perfect and wait, this isn't what I want????? Love my kids. They are my reasons, but as the day goes by I want less and less to be here, to be in this marriage, to be with a man. And I think that is what I truly want, what I have always wanted, to be man-less, especially after having an intense connection with a woman, I almost feel let down by my marriage. It isn't what everyone says its cracked up to be. For me there is many reasons why it doesn't, but I think one of my main reasons is because I married the wrong gender. It is so beyond frustrating to come to this realization, ten years and two kids in, middle aged. Where do I go from here?

    Maybe try not to think too hard about what your perfect life would look like or be. It can be just as simple as maybe you, your children, and the women of your dreams. End of story. That may be your perfect life....