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So now what?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mellie, Sep 24, 2015.

  1. mellie

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    Well my husband continues to be supportive and we are figuring all this out together. I'm really hoping it stays that way. So far I'm out to him, my brother, my best friend, and my mom.

    But I kind of wanted to keep it to this small circle. Part of me wants to shout HEY I'M FREAKING GAY from a rooftop, the other (bigger) part feels no need to make a big announcement or really tell anyone. It doesn't come from shame, it just comes from a place that says it's MY sexuality and nobody's concern unless I confide in them. When one day I find myself in a relationship with a woman, they'll figure it out. Nobody makes a huge HEY GUESS WHAT I'M STRAIGHT announcement on Facebook or to their entire group of family and friends...why should I feel I need to make an announcement about being a lesbian?

    My concern comes from the fact that key members of my family now know. How long until it leaks? And will my family or friends feel betrayed if they don't hear it from me? Also, I wanted my separation from my husband to be about our incompatibility, not my sexuality--but I have a feeling, as supportive as he is, he feels it IS just about my sexuality. He doesn't want to believe there were other issues, and quite frankly I don't think it's the right time to rub in his face all the other things that were wrong with the marriage. I'm trying to be as compassionate as possible.

    Thoughts/suggestions appreciated as always. (&&&)
     
  2. CameronMR

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    I know how you feel about why should it matter to anyone if I'm gay.....

    I am not rubbing in my ex's face what was wrong with ur relationship. We aren't together, so it seems to be suddenly a non issue. If any new concerns come up, I voice them, and hedoes the same. Our relationship seems to be even better now.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Wouldn't it be great when we all reach a point where there is no need to have to come out? Straight people do not declare they are straight, so why do LGBT need to? Well, that's a discussion for another thread.

    If your immediate family and best friend knows to keep it amongst yourselves, my guess is they would otherwise want to do that. Could there be leaks or rumours, of course, but unless you confirm them, they are just that, rumours.

    That said, down the road, it may be reasonable to assume people will ultimately find out. And even if today the vague message to the world is "we had compatibility issues", down the road, people will look back and know the real reason. All your doing is managing the message and the timing of such message. And why should there be an issue with that? I don't see one. You then align the timing of the message with your own comfort level.

    As far as your friends are concerned, the last thing you should be worried about is other feeling betrayed for you not telling them. If your friends and family have an ounce of sensibility, they would all understand the difficulty of what you are going through. No need to put more undue worries on you because of what others think at this point.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  4. Eilin

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    I am in a similar situation. I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago, moved out six months ago and still haven't come out to a lot of people in my life. I also figure they'll know when they'll know, but on the other hand it still feels like hiding a part of me. And I'm not making a lot of progress in the dating department, but that's another issue.

    Sometimes I'm comfortable with it, other times I just tell if I feel the need or if get asked and so far I haven't had any negative feedback. But it is very straining at times to live with this double identity.

    I also had a similar breakup, even if I hadn't come out, I don't think our relationship would have survived much longer, but I just let those feelings go. It wouldn't fix anything anyway and it would have made our current relationship much more difficult. We have a son together and we both feel he is the most important thing in our lives and for his sake we're trying (and succeeding ) to be friends. I don't think that would have been so easy if I kept hanging on to everything that was wrong between us.
     
    #4 Eilin, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015