1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Opened conversation w my husband

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CapColors, Sep 26, 2015.

  1. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Last night I confessed to my husband that I am feeling conflicted about my sexuality: I explained that I was feeling more interested in women now (than ever before), to the point where I'd have sex with one. My husband didn't seem pleased exactly, but the world didn't end either.

    He lifted his eyebrows and said something like "oh great, now you're going to turn---" I told him I wasn't turning gay, that I still liked *ahem, starts with a D*, especially his.

    He said "well, I get to watch, if it happens," presumably referring to my sleeping with a woman.

    I said, "I wouldn't want to share you with another woman," (which is true!) and he replied "who said I'd have to share?"

    I gave some nominal pushback, but I basically let the subject drop.

    I figured it wasn't the worst beginning to coming out, and that pushing it would be trying my luck so early in the game. Plus, at this point in not interested in trying to add a pseudo-threesome to my life. More trouble than it's worth!

    It's interesting to me that men really do seem to think it's about sex more than the emotional connection, and I (and most of the women I've seen post on this) are essentially thinking the reverse. The more I explore my queer side, the more hilarious I think it is that most people are straight. When it comes to things like sex, men and women hardly seem to speak the same language heh.
     
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You made a big step! Congrats on that. And hugs, it is an emotional journey coming out to your husband!

    I agree with the idea about our husbands assuming it's about the sex. It's so funny. It's so much more than that. But maybe in some way that makes them less threatened?
     
  3. mellie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Raleigh NC
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    How brave! Good job. Do you feel any relief?

    My husband had the same reaction when I told him initially that I wanted to explore my attraction to women. He was like, "Okay but I get to be a part of it." First of all, why do men think that lesbians are just aching to have threesomes with men? I mean, what makes him think if I met someone she would want to sleep with him?! It kind of angered me. Not that he wanted to have sex with another woman, but that he was focusing on the sex and sex only, and that he just automatically assumes that a lesbian is going to want to have sex with him or give him a "show." I'm getting angry now just typing about it, lol.

    Congrats on opening up more to him. Assuming you're going to continue in the marriage, it has a real possibility of making your relationship stronger. But seriously, MEN. :bang::roflmao:
     
  4. Eilin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2015
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Antwerp
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I've been there, when I came out to my ex, he simply asked if couldn't just have a lesbian love affair on the side, while continuing my relationship with him. It still baffles me when I think about it. How he ignored the fact that my feelings were about a lot more than sex and just assumed that I could separate this from my need for a real emotional connection.
     
  5. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yes my husband offered the threesome option also . one of the main things I love abt being w my girlfriend is our emotional connection. The sex is amazing too but I don't want anyone else as a part of it, its just me and her and between us.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Capcolors, congrats on the big step. Well done!

    Now, to the other comments about men, and me being one and having been in a marriage - JUST LIKE YOU I WANTED THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION that I was lacking in my marriage.

    But to be perfectly honest, I have to admit, I also wanted the Sex! Yum :slight_smile:
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  7. mellie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Raleigh NC
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
  8. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    You know, I was being quite unfair to my husband in this post. I actually framed the feeling as "wanting to have sex" with a woman. So he responded in kind. I probably would have gotten a different reaction if I'd mentioned I wanted to have a relationship with a woman.

    So I was quick to judge when in fact he was just responding to the terms i myself set out. And I made it about sex in part because I didn't want to admit that I'd like more than just sex from a woman.

    Anyway, I should have been more thoughtful in my post!

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2015 at 07:05 PM ----------

    Oh definitely. And actually, after a little reflection, I Myself framed it as being about sex, largely so he wouldn't feel as threatened. So I can't really judge him.
     
  9. Zen fix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2015
    Messages:
    694
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Congrats on this huge step. :eusa_danc How are you feeling? Elated and relieved I hope. (!)

    I have to say Boo and Hiss on the man bashing here. When I came out to my wife she went right to the gay sex I must be having all the time (which I wasn't). And not in this doofus "I want to see you two go at it" way. In a mean and nasty way. So women are guilty of it as well.
     
  10. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Thanks! Yes, I was terrified! It kind of just came out! I guess my unconscious mind was just READY.

    Yeah, I do think there's absolutely a disconnect between many men [#notallmen] and women on the subject of female-female sex. Whether it's porn or just sex drive or male privilege at the heart of it, I don't know! If I were lesbian it would drive me bonkers.

    That being said, I could have been more charitable to my guy, seeing as I framed it about sex partly because I didn't want to hurt his feelings...

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2015 at 07:24 PM ----------

    Hello! You are quite right that I was uncharitable, and I would apologize to my husband if he had any idea about this conversation!

    I do think lesbians hear weird crap from guys about their sex lives a lot, and I would venture a guess that it goes that way more than the reverse.

    But certainly women can be nasty as well, especially if their feelings are being hurt. Hell hath no fury, etc.

    In the case of husbands reacting to their wives' being lesbians, it's possible that framing it as sexual only is a defense mechanism, not succumbing to an entitled porn fantasy.

    All in all, I was pretty lucky at how it turned out.

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2015 at 07:33 PM ----------

    Yes, I think there are a lot of thing going on in that situation, but generally I do think that men separate the two a bit more. Frankly that's not always bad, but it can lead to some deep misunderstandings between the genders.

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2015 at 07:37 PM ----------

    Yes, I doubt I'd be into a threesome for sex only! And I wouldn't want to share my husband particularly.

    Weirdly, I think if I loved a woman who was happily married I may in fact be willing to share her with her husband. That's one of the ways I know I'm hella bi---I find that thought sexy. (Probably in real life it would be a disaster! Threesomes seem like a lot of work for low payoffs.)
     
  11. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Uggh my husband also suggested the threesome route. No thanks. What I love most about being with my girlfriend is our emotional connection. Of course, the sex is amazing too :slight_smile: But its special and private and we want it to be just between us. I cant get the emotional connection I have with her from my husband or any guy, and that is what was missing from my life until now. Its just something I deeply and secretly craved all those years and to be honest nothing in my life has felt more overpowering than to finally get that.
     
  12. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I posted almost the same thing twice. LOL first time was on phone didn't think it went through. But yes, not we have established I do not want a threesome. My girlfriend and I both are still married (living together and trying to get along for the kids). I am definitely not bi Ive always only tolerated sex with men. Now that I know I am a lesbian and that's what I want I could not begin to bring myself to have sex with my husband (or any man) I cant even think of it.
     
  13. rachael1954

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2015
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Very good you opened up the conversation... probably a good idea to not push for too much, too soon, or to be too specific, too soon.

    Now he can ruminate on it, so it's a good way to start the discussion. :slight_smile: Wishing you the best!
     
  14. AshleyDi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2015
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Portland
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Good job knowing that you and your man can openly trust each other to talk to about things like this. I think his response was typical and a normal reaction for a strait male to say. If you really want him to understand what you mean again, then he will need to put the pun aside and listen that when someone has these feelings, that it isn't any longer a joke, but it is a serious issue that is conflicting the marriage. I guess you would also need to understand before you get to that point, what is you intend on doing with it now that it isn't a secret.
     
  15. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    How would your husband feel about an emotional relationship? Mine basically said that I can't control my feelings, but as many of you know, I don't get much time to talk with my bff. He isn't ok with sex outside of our marriage, but also said a threesome might be ok. I'm a bit less opposed than some of you in theory, because I wouldn't assume we aren't emotionally connected. It sounds super complicated and hard to plan though, especially given that neither of us would be interested in someone we didn't know, and the fall-out could be really bad.
     
  16. SnowshoeGeek

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2015
    Messages:
    295
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iowa
    A big leap from a couple of weeks ago! :slight_smile:

    I'm with ya on the emotional vs. sexual. Most men I've come out to, they accept it because it's big on their fantasy list. It's very telling that in spite of not having a female love (or sex) interest, my platonic female friendships fulfill me much more than the occasional threesome or lap dance used to when I was married. I don't know what to call it exactly, but I just feel better around women, enough so that I forego the awkwardness of coming out as bisexual to them so I won't fear losing the friendships. Sometimes the whole thing confuses the heck out of me. I just know that the more I bring women into my life, the happier I seem to be. :slight_smile:
     
  17. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Yes! I think I have to be really sweet and awesome for a while so that his rumination a don't turn bad ("she's gonna leave me for a woman" etc) but stay positive ("she picked me, she trusts me").

    Fingers crossed.

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2015 at 09:46 AM ----------

    Yup. That's it exactly: where to next? I'm assuming the answer is "nowhere really, for now". As long as I can keep my paws off my best friend (and I can! And I will!), this hopefully won't change things between me and my husband much. I just felt like he needed to know. I'd have wanted him to tell me in the reverse situation.

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2015 at 10:09 AM ----------

    This is a complicated question. What constitutes an emotional relationship? Deep friendship with "I love you's"? She and I have that already. Does he object to that? Sometimes: when I'm texting her at night and ignoring him. And why shouldn't he? I would resent another man taking up my time with him. But for the mod part he tolerates my friendships with other women, probably because a) he's a good dude and b) he wouldn't want to deal with what a bitch I'd be if I didn't have friends.

    Does an emotional relationship involve talking about having sex with each other? I think he'd object but I guess I don't know. At this point I feel like that would be too much to ask for. I also think that would make me feel like a cheater. (Oh god it would be hot though.)

    So I guess my answer is that I doubt he'd be comfortable with more than what my friend and I already have together. And I wouldn't be comfortable with more than that either.

    As for whether or not a threesome would work---I think it's too complicated for me unless it IS just about sex. But I don't want a threesome that's just about sex? At least I don't think so. Sorry, I'm not very clear on this issue myself. It's confusing! I'd be more comfortable in a threesome as the third wheel I think, not as part of the original couple. But in general, it seems like way more trouble than it's worth.
     
  18. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Thanks! Yes. It's definitely a weight off my shoulders. I love my husband and I felt like I was lying to him by omission. Although I haven't told him the whole truth (that I also fell in love with a woman but am trying to kill/redirect those feelings), I still feel better for having told part of the truth.

    I adore women, and have always had deep friendships in my life with the exception of a few years here and there (and I was miserable without them!).
     
  19. TeaTree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2015
    Messages:
    307
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe (.cz)
    Hey CapColors, congrats for starting the coming out talk with your husband! That takes a lot of courage. And communication is so important, it helps so much if we can be open.

    Regarding the emotional vs sexual connection, for me they kind of blend together and not in the same time.
    Since I allowed myself to get closer to women I am amazed how naturally flowing my connection with women can be. I was pushing against this my whole life, as opposed to a lot of women on this forum I tried to stay away from my female friends, keep a distance, stay cold up until not long ago.

    But I think that even when it is about sex, you need both sexual and emotional connection there, to be really good. To be able to connect. And I know for sure that I haven't had that with men.

    On the other hand I did have a very close emotional connection with my bf, but it wasn't a romantic one or a sexual one.
     
  20. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Thanks, hon!

    I am realizing that sexual and emotional connections are a lot more complicated than I always thought, at least for me. For me, my new found sexuality is a real pain in the ass, to be frank. I was perfectly happy being straight and having close friendships with women. Now it's all muddled and I feel like I've lost something huge but gained very little (I started a thread about this, actually).

    I'm glad the experience was close to the opposite for you. Women are awesome, and being with them is awesome. :slight_smile: