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Coming out... but no relationship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SnowshoeGeek, Sep 27, 2015.

  1. SnowshoeGeek

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    Hi, I've been on this site for a couple of weeks and have really enjoyed and benefited from all the stories and support of the people here.

    Every time I post, I feel this question that I haven't figured out how to ask. So I'll give it a shot. I keep getting the mental image of the character of Saul on Brothers and Sisters, and how he came out very late in life. And, unless I'm remembering it wrong, it wasn't about "I met a man" or "I'm going to date men now" but rather, "I'm gay, it's who I am, please know me and accept me."

    I have not been married now for about 14 years, and have lived alone for 10. My outward appearance of having any relationships has dwindled more and more, and it occurs to me that people might very well know me and not be sure of my orientation.

    I wonder about coming out, as bi or lesbian, or whatever it is that I think I am, when there isn't some kind of impending love affair to prove my identity with. In fact, I doubt that I will have a relationship with a women at this point, maybe it's pessimism, or apathy, I'm not sure. But it still feels like being attracted to women is a big part of who I am, and in this current rainbowy acceptance social movement, I feel very left out and invisible. I feel envious of younger people who are out, I feel angry at my mother's acceptance of some younger "out" family friends we know... but I almost feel like coming out now would just be "I've been this way all my life, so there!" and ... not in the right spirit, I guess.

    I have had a really huge internal resistance to coming out all my life, somehow I deeply internalized, not homophobia, but a view of "don't ever do anything socially unacceptable." I want to change that, I want to stop being afraid. But without some woman I'm about to run away with at hand, I am not sure if there's a point. I know, being honest or being free of secrets could be a point...

    Anyway... hope that made sense. :help:
     
  2. CapColors

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    Sure, that makes sense! Actually I feel similarly in some respects because I'm bi and in a relationship. It's like, why would I need to make a big deal about it? Why not keep it to myself?

    I think you should come out of you want to. You won't be hurting anyone, and maybe it could lead to new friends, even if you don't want a girlfriend.

    I honestly think all major life events deserve parties but that doesn't sound like your style :slight_smile:. Maybe something simpler like updating a Facebook status and a quick post, or getting a cell phone cover with rainbows.

    I've been think about getting a tattoo and only coming out to people who ask, kind of being casual about it. Like, yeah, I'm bi, I figured it out a while ago. NBD.
     
  3. SnowshoeGeek

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    Funny, I notice that lately I sometimes post on FB things that are more risque, and LGBTetc friendly... almost like I am testing the waters a bit. It has crossed my mind more than once to just update my status to "I'm bisexual. There, I said it." And I'm guessing that some people would "like" it, some would say supportive things, some would be flummoxed and awkward. I guess it's about figuring out what I want. Do I even want anyone to know anything about my intimate life? I've been leaning toward "none of it is anyone's business, period" and I think that is part of my trying not to care what anyone thinks or be governed by social norms. But I'm still conscious of hiding something. It's been so normal for so long to not let on details about myself to avoid being shamed or insulted.

    Not knowing what I "am" is also holding me back. I know what I have done and felt in the past, but some years ago I decided to take the possibility of sex with women off the table, so that I could have a safe place to have friends and not worry about my sexuality. I avoided friendships with women for a very long time because I was afraid of being attracted to them and messing it up. But I'm starting to want to reach out and meet other bisexuals and lesbians, to be among similar souls, to be able to be myself, if not for the prospect of romance. Now that I have learned to be "just friends" with women I feel a bit more capable of being just friends with lesbians, too. What I mean is I have learned to relate to people in nonsexual ways, something that eluded me earlier in life.

    Anyway, I appreciate your words. You're one of the people I like to read and I always feel better about myself when I do. :slight_smile:
     
  4. mellie

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    I just came out to my husband, mom, brother, and best friend--the initial response of all (with the exception of my best friend) was along the lines of, "Have you met someone?"

    Like it doesn't matter that I'm a lesbian unless I am in a lesbian relationship.

    It has made me question whether it was really worth it. But then I remember that it's about bringing meaning and purpose to my life. Will I ever be in a lesbian relationship? I hope so. But am I happier being alone and honest with myself than continuing in a relationship that squashes my soul because it's based on a lie? Absolutely.

    Right now, I have no plans of making some big announcement. I will tell people I trust, when I feel like it's the right time to tell them. But I can't hide who I am. If someone called me right now and asked, "Are you gay?" I'd say, "Yes." I'm done lying, covering my tracks, and being ashamed of who I am.

    This is part of you. Do with it what you feel is right. If that's announcing it, then do it! Heterosexuals aren't any less straight when they aren't actively involved in a relationship. Nor are you any less bi/gay. I think it's really a matter of individual experience--you have the answers inside of you, you just have to listen and tell your fear to quiet down.
     
  5. angeluscrzy

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    When I split from my ex, she assumed I must have met someone too. Of course I had to explain that, no I hadn't, and I just needed to live as "out". I would def like to meet a nice guy sometime down the road but right now I just feel like I need to get myself together and focus on getting myself in a better place before I try to court or be courted. I plan on getting a tattoo of rainbow atheism logo on my forearm, just to say screw it, if people don't like it or react negatively, that's their problem. I've done everything to try and conform to what I thought was expected of me and never truly listened to myself. Those times are over now. I'm almost 40 and there's not a soul on this earth that is gonna make me go back in that little closet. A lot of people may not know my sexuality, but I do. Screw everyone else, I'm not hiding from myself anymore, let alone anyone else.
     
  6. CapColors

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  7. Moonflower

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    I've also heard that "straight people who are in a relationship are still straight." It's true of people who are not straight as well, and may in fact be crucial to getting into a relationship. We would never let a straight person who is not in a relationship feel bad about themselves simply because they're not in a relationship. It's not relationships that validate a person. You stand a much better chance of being the kind of person someone else would want to be in a relationship with by coming out and living your life as out-because you're being who you are-which is what you want people to finally see. Of course, you can progress on this in your own time, like I am. Tell who want to tell when you're ready.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    This post resonates so much with me, even though I'm bi and in a relationship, like Cap and that's kind of the problem. It all just boils down to, for me, my identity is personal and just part of me, but it seems for others, it's all validated or relevant only by virtue of relationship status.

    I want to be me, I want to be out, and I want it to just be a part of organic conversation and interactions with people. But I am so squeamish about how bringing it up will likely just lead to questions about my marriage. Like why are you saying this now?

    It's so frustrating, because I just want the me I say I am to align with the me I really am. Why can't that be enough?
     
    #8 baristajedi, Sep 28, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2015
  9. Electra

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    Have been fascinated by this thread and relate (or related) to lots of it. I am now totally 'out' and not in a relationship. Came out late at age of 48 (4 yrs ago). I think I am glad I did so because until I dealt with all those circular arguments ("why should i tell people about my sexuality - its private", "as long as I know my true self it doesn't matter if others don't" "its not fair that gay people can be invisible - no one knows unless you make it very clear" and so on and so on) then I wasn't able to address what I really wanted - physically, emotionally? I still don't really know what I want, but at least can make better progress when not also encumbered with all the internal dialogue about whether to come or not. Not sure if that is a helpful angle for anyone?
     
  10. SnowshoeGeek

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    Powerful words, Moonflower... thank you so much. :icon_bigg

    ---------- Post added 29th Sep 2015 at 03:10 AM ----------

    I think it may be a larger social tendency to relate to people as part of a couple. In my age group, at least where I live, unattached people seem to be viewed as oddities at best. So maybe it would bother people on a level they aren't used to analyzing... who a person is independent of a partner?

    When I was married and came out (while leaving the marriage) I didn't have a female waiting in the wings. Honestly for me it was leaving a marriage where I didn't feel accepted (he was vocally anti-gay) and I couldn't stand being with someone who had those views anymore. Later I actually got involved with (and married) a man who accepted my attraction to women (and was comfortable with an open relationship - whole other story). In thinking back on that choice, I found that the issue of acceptance was possibly more important to me than the issue of actually having a relationship with a female. After all, I can't control who gets into a relationship with me. But I can control being around people who don't accept me, or voicing my feelings if someone I value makes me feel bad for my orientation.

    So I guess, coming out is a way of finding out whether people accept me, and then I can judge whether I want them in my life if I find that they are not supportive. That of course is what scares me - who I may find isn't supportive. Coming out without a relationship would be, for me, kind of a way of challenging everyone around me to either stick with me or leave. Something that is sometimes really important in life - "finding out who your friends are" - and something that can change things forever.

    Goodness, you got me on a train of thought! :thumbsup:
     
  11. SnowshoeGeek

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    Indeed it is helpful to me! Enough so that I read and reread it, and am still pondering. The internal dialogue, yes. I know it well! It had not occurred to me that it might be hindering my progress in figuring out what I want. Kind of like getting stuck on one step of a math problem...

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am curious how your internal dialogue shifted when you cleared out the circular stuff. What happened inside (and outside)?
     
  12. middleageguy

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    Pretending to be strait or a gender we know we are not is exhausting. We have the right to breathe deeply and to wake up smiling each day. Be you.
     
  13. Electra

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    Yes, I think the main emotion after coming out (over a period of several months) to all my friends, work colleagues and family (last one was my Mum that took a bit longer) was relief! I was (reading other posts on EC) very lucky in that not a single person was negative, but I think even if some people had been the relief would have counter-acted that. Many people had the attitude "well there you go then, thanks for sharing, but you are you and this changes nothing about how we see you or relate to you". Yes of course! But I had spent years worrying about what others might think or how they would re-act or change towards me, when really most people are more concerned about their own stuff. Being gay is about me, it is me, it is not about how other people re-act to me. So now that I am 'out' to everyone who knows me and cares about me, I don't have to go around telling everyone new I meet, until I get to know them a bit better and then it so easy and natural to tell them if and when I want to.

    I think that so much energy was spent wondering about whether when or how I came out that I had none left to look at what I really wanted. I am not saying that now I have necessarily resolved everything. Some days it can still be shit not being straight - decades of shame and unworthiness are not going to disappear overnight - but now i am able to look at what I want and to focus what my real issues are around relationships and intimacy which are beyond my outward sexuality.

    So I think debating endlessly with myself about whether to step out of the closet, was may be something i had to do. As is often said on EC we are all different, there are no rules about when how or if. We have to do what feels right for us. Sometimes may be we can find excuses to not just step up and 'do it' and when we do make the leap we just have better insight into the real stuff? Hope that helps a bit more and good luck on your own journey..