So I have finally come out but have never dated. I am acknowledging my attraction but have never acted on it. After coming out, I get the feeling people were waiting for me to introduce a partner, but the very thought of it seems so strange... like being attracted to a friend or something. I'm quite envious of those who come out early... I had an incredible body up until 30 when I immediately gained weight, lost my eyesight, lost the ability to eat spicy foods, etcetera. How am I supposed to breach being both a relationship virgin and an actual virgin at this age, and as a homosexual? I was thinking about a gay bar or a dating site, but that seems like too much too soon. I don't even have any gay friends, nor have I ever. I was thinking maybe a gay meetup group? Anyone else in a similar situation have some advice? Do I tell someone I'm a virgin if we get intimate? I'm a bottom, btw. I need a handbook for this.
Hey man! Well I certainly feel your situation is not uncommon. Unlike straight folk, many gay people can take years to figure things out and accept themselves. Its all a journey and theres no right time that you should be doing x y or z. You are still young and no decent guy would ever judge you for being a virgin. All the best Gary
Take whatever path you feel most comfortable with, but don't close any doors on any paths you might be uncomfortable with. Whether a meet up group, bar, online dating, gay sports league, etc; I would suggest trying as many different avenues as you can. In essence, play the numbers. The more avenues you go down to meet people, the more chances you have of doing just that. Whatever you do, be safe and prudent, but don't limit yourself. And, be honest with those you meet. Don't feel any concern for your perception of being out late, as that's only your perception and your concern. You may be surprised at how accepting people will be of where you are in life.
I think the trick about coming out "later" (though exactly what counts as "later" is very dependant from setting to setting), is to never apologise. Because even if other people you meet have been out for years, it's not as if you sat on your ass doing nothing. You presumably had other cares and worries and interests and hobbies. All of which make you interesting. And people will be interested in what you did, not in what you didn't. Even when it comes to the story of your sexuality, there's more to it than "I waited long". There's reasons and thoughts and stories about when you nearly told someone. Many of which are probably quite relatable to other GLBT people, even if they came out ten years ago. And... much the same goes for relationships and sex. No need to make "I have no experience, please don't run away" the start of any conversation/date/online profile. You didn't get around to it now, but everyone was a virgin at some point. And you can even make a point about being glad you can do it slow and steady, without being high on puberty hormones! That doesn't mean there's people out there who won't make a problem out of it. Some people seem to be really hung up on having someone who's experienced in bed. And muscular. And has a 9-inch dick. And blue eyes and dusty blond hair. And whatever personality he has is almost an afterthought. But... you don't want to deal with those people anyway. Relationships and friendships aren't something you fill like a job opening. Instead, you meet a lot of people, and stay with the ones you click with! And whatever life story that comes with the "click" will be interesting. So: yeah, I think it's best to boldly stride forward. Don't overthink it. You are interesting, and everything brought you to where you are now! A gay meetup might be the perfect place to meet some fellow GLBTs. Don't focus on dating or even deeply befriending people. Interact, and see who you naturally get along with. And whtever you do, don't apologise for anything in you past!
Thanks, Filip. I've been keeping an eye on this thread because I have similar questions (I'm early 30s, but have little dating experience). Your reply was really helpful. I've been prone to over-apologizing for personal shortcomings in the past, but I see that resisting this will be important in finding the right partner.
LEOPOLD, your story is very similar to mine, except I didn't come out until I was 41 and I was still a virgin too. That was 3 years ago. To this day I have only had one brief encounter with a guy where we gave each other oral sex but it only ever happened the once and I never saw him again, though he did contact me a couple of days later to make sure I was okay, as he knew that I was a virgin. I dont regret losing it to him as we had spoken about it on FB quite a bit leading up to it and he respected me and was the right choice for me to go with. but as for dating or having a relationship or getting any more experieince than that one time, there has been nothing at all. Like you, i dont know exactly where to go or how to go about it either. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling unsure and uncertain what to do or how to do it
Thank you for the responses! I am glad to hear I am not the only one. My plan right now is to go to a gay meetup group in a couple of days.
