I've known my whole life that I'm attracted to guys, since I was about 11 or 12. I used to mess about with a male friend when we were teenagers. Nothing too serious, but fun! We don't talk now but I know he's married with kids. Anyway, I was in denial and had a relationship with a woman which lasted a couple of years. That relationship didn't end well and affected my emotional state. To protect my feelings I decided I didn't want anyone to be able to do that to me again and have been single since. If people ask, I cite that as the reason why I'm not interested in a relationship but the truth is I want to be with a guy. A few big things have happened in my life this year which has made me decide that I no longer want to be alone (death of a relative, weddings, births, sick relative...). I'm so far in the closet I don't know where to begin to get out. I want to start making a new life for myself with gay friends and the possibilty of a relationship. I've registered with a few dating/hook up apps and could have easily had sex by now but that's not what I want. I want to meet someone and get to know them first. The other problem being, because I'm not out, I've not got a photo on there which makes it more difficult to try and get to know some guys. I don't think I can ever see myself as being part of the gay scence - going to clubs and pride marches, etc. - but that doesn't mean I can't have a circle of friends that are gay or gay interests. I do think I have a bit of internalised homophobia. I don't hate gay people but I guess it's a defence mechanism for fear of being outed. I don't think I'm overtly camp/gay though I have been asked if I am which I've always denied. So, I guess the question is this, where do I begin? How can I start to make new friends and meet people if I'm not out? If I come out first I would be less worried about being outed but I guess I'd feel pretty vulnerable not having a support network in place - people to talk to about coming out. That's where you guys come in, right?! Any advice to get the ball rolling appreciated!
I'm no expert at this, but here's my advice: Start where you are. If you have baggage, say your internalized homophobia, start with that. Start becoming emotionally OK with being gay and with being known as gay. Until you deal with your emotional/psychological baggage, you may not be ready for any kind of relationship with other gay people. Also, if you do feel the need to come out to someone, start small, one person at a time. See if they will keep your confidence, if that's what you want. Then build up from there.
Thanks. I have accepted that I'm gay. I think it's the internalised homophobia that has held me back until now. I just need to take the first steps into the unknown...
Also, I've seen gay men give this advice in other forums: start with interest groups, not the bar scene. The rest is my advice which may not count for much because I'm a bi woman, so take it or leave it You might have to travel a bit depending on where you live but like a gay hiking (sounds strange but my friend is in one so I know they exist ) group or something might work better for you. Or a professional style association depending on your profession. My parents belong to a Unitarian church group that has a lot of gay people. Or take a community college class related to gay themes if you are academically inclined. I know that if I were single the last place I'd look for any partner would be a club. I was never into that kind of hookup.
