I've always enjoyed the company of females. I've had many close friends, and usually had "best" friends---females with whom I've shared nearly everything AND had mutual interests with. I went to a women's college. I have participated in online fandom, which is largely female, since 2003. In short: I live my life in the company of women, women who up until about 3 months ago, I felt incredibly free around. Now: not so much. I am coming to terms with the fact that now, for me, female only spaces will be more like mixed-gender spaces were when I was straight. I will have to guard against overtly sexual thoughts. I will have to be careful not to fall for anyone. And that PISSES ME OFF. Where are my safe spaces? Where can I just be me and not have to worry about being distracted by my sex drive or the possibility of developing a crush? NOWHERE. They are gone. ------------- Yes, I know that my system will re-calibrate. I'll get used to being Bi just like I was used to being straight, and I will stop getting my head turned by nearly every woman I see. I'll just get used to it, like I did with men. I'm an adult. I can and will adjust. It will get better. But it won't EVER be the same. And I am very sad about that.
This actually reminds me a lot of my frustration with being sober. When I decided to quit drinking and work the 12 steps, I had to face the fact that I wasn't (I hate this word but I don't have a better one) "normal." I couldn't go to a social gathering and have one drink like everyone else. I couldn't even have a damn drink at my brother's wedding. Because things had changed. I started telling myself the truth and then there was no turning back. And that pissed me off. Still does. Seems off-topic, but I think my remedy applies: I'm always told ONE DAY AT A TIME. It's become my mantra. And some days it's one minute at a time. One second at a time. Look at how far you've come in the moment. Try not to think about what WILL be. Will I ever be in a room where I can be comfortable? Where I can stop thinking about sex? Where I can be myself? These thoughts lead to hopelessness. No, your life will never be the same. But it will be more authentic. It will be painstakingly honest. And you will find a new "normal." Baby steps.
Ah, that does sound very, very similar. I am sorry for your loss, but I'm really happy for your sobriety. Thanks for sharing.
Well for me, this is not true. I discovered I am a lesbian after forming a relationship with my best friend 6 months ago. We have had our complete relationship for 6 months now and it is amazing. But I have never had feelings for another girl, and don't have any desire to. Im not attracted to anyone else. Yes I think some woman are prettier than others, but I have no desire to develop a crush on anyone else. Im serious when I say I only want to be with her. When we went on our trip together at the beg of the summer, neither of our husbands could believe we didn't act crazy and do things with other girls and/or guys on the trip. We really didn't! Neither of us looked at another person in that way once! We were there to be together and focus on each other and that's exactly what we did. We chatted with the other girls seated at our dinner table with us, and hung out once or twice with another lesbian couple we met but we only have those types of feelings for each other. Seriously, I could walk into a room of naked woman and I wouldn't even care Id still only want to look at my gf. But that's just me!
I have this issue too, but I think in a way I've always had a mild discomfort around women, only until now I didn't "know" why. So from this point of view is cool that i know now :icon_bigg On the other hand since I acknowledged to myself my attraction towards women I started to have the impression that when I check out women now they all know that I'm checking them out and that I'm attracted to them. And I feel in a way ashamed for that, which is crazy, and I probably shouldn't be. On the other hand when I really would like a girl to realize that I'm attracted to her and that I'd like maybe something more than just make a mental picture of her haircut to present it later to my hairdresser, in that moment I realize that no, she doesn't think that I might not be straight and probably most of the women I look at think the same thing. Noone has a clue that I'm checking them out in the gay way...
I'm glad for your happiness. ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2015 at 04:38 PM ---------- Yes, I remember seeing posts like that, of people (primarily lesbians) not feeling comfortable around women for much of their lives. Selfishly, I'm glad that I did always feel comfortable around women, even if it makes my loss harder to process now. I'm glad for you that your realization has brought understanding, at the very least. I feel you! No, they totally don't notice, I'm sure. I've been purposefully AND accidentally giving off the gayest vibes I could muster lately, and no one has acted any different around me. That being said, I'm sure they will to a certain extent once I'm out. Then again, people barely seem to notice or care about the sexual female gaze. I'm often reminded of a tumblr post I saw once: two men look at each other everyone on the planet: THEY ARE GAY two women fuck everyone on the planet: eh, probably just friends So maybe I'll continue to slip under the radar even after emerging. Who knows? I do feel guilty for lusting after the unknowing. Not because it's gay per se but just because I'm unused to experiencing such aggressive sexual desire. I'm honestly as bad as any straight teenage dude right now. It's disorienting and definitely undignified, as I'm a married mother of 36!
My experience is a little different though I can see why you feel that way. I've always been a mixed space kind of thing. Even before having my personal awakening to being a lesbian, I always viewed places full of exclusively heterosexual cisgender females as the last places I wanted to be (ie, college sororities, women's prayer groups, women's book groups - not for me...even if you told me something was FOR women it would turn me off, like WE (Women's Entertainment TV) Blech! Maybe your experience, however, as your women's college no doubt was, was a mixed sexuality and gender spectrum experience among women. If that's what you experienced you are indeed very fortunate and I can see how those would now have lost their beauty and turned into places where you might want to spend your time attracting a potential date. Turned on by nearly every woman you see? You must live in a area with an unusual amount of hot looking women-would love to see it (LOL). I'm content with a few that I regularly see, and one who might actually be a lesbian or bi...working on it. To me, nothing really has changed in that department except now I understand why I'm looking at the ones I think are hot, over and over again and enjoying it. But I can definitely appreciate your experience.
CapColors, I totally get what you're going through, but from a slightly different perspective. I've always known I was attracted to girls. But I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I can be attracted to men too. And I'm feeling that same sense of loss that you have expressed. In fact, I recently talked to my counselor about this very subject. I want and need to find like minded individuals. I have no friends that get who I am and where I'm at in life. But in the process of looking to make friends, no space feels free now of the potential for becoming attracted to someone. I'm unconsciously analyzing everyone from a sexual perspective...and becoming frustrated with myself in the process. Her suggestion was to stop focusing so much on my gender and sexuality and focus more on the things I love to do. And hopefully along the way I'll make some friends with people I can connect with on something other than a sexual level. So for example, I love art. She suggested taking an online art class that also has a community aspect. Somewhere that I can fulfill my need to socialize without focusing on any kind of romantic or sexual attraction.
Well, in high school and college, I was in feminist spaces that tended to be straight. Fandom is much more queer, but my close group of friends there was generally straight too. We were certainly what I'd consider queer-friendly (you can't go to a women's college or be in fandom as a bigot. You'll be rightly run out of town), but we were allies rather than members of the community. We weren't seeking to exclude queer women, of course: but people do tend to fall into groups of people who are like them. And it was comforting to me to be in a place where none of the energy was sexual on my part. Now that I realize I AM queer, I am gladder than ever that my social circles are so queer-adjacent. None of my friends is going to be homophobic; I know a lot more queer people than your typical straight person does. I have lesbians and bi acquaintances I can contact once I'm out to start growing a queerer circle of friends if I want/need to. Well, I said turned my head, heh. Turned on may be a step too far. But not way too far: I live in NYC where freaking everyone is hot. Even moms my age are hot (I am not hot, but they all are it seems lol). The fashion! the confidence! the diversity! From the Queens swagger to the UWS Soul Cycle butts. This place is a smorgasbord for the eyes and I'm just like :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf. ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2015 at 10:55 PM ---------- Here lies our safe spaces. Damn, they were nice. She is WISE. I KNOW that this is also what I must do. Hell, my work is actually demanding enough that I shouldn't even be on this site, heh. But this is all so new, and I have to be so careful in who I tell in my personal life, that I've become kind of stuck processing it all. In general, I feel I will reach a place where I've processed enough of my loss and can move forward. That time is coming, slowly. And focusing on other things will be the best way forward, I'm sure.
Ah, New York, that explains it. I need to go there more often. :icon_bigg I think it definitely was different for you having always been in mixed groups of women, again an experience I didn't have and I can definitely see how you would miss it.
What a great question to raise. And as I look back at every guy that I have met personally since coming out (I am distinguishing from those I meet professionally), I have to admit always asking myself a) do I think he is gay, b) do I find him physically attractive and the big one c) WOULD I WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM????? Uh oh, no more space for me!
I understand this concept so well, but I feel like I have gone completely in reverse. I had sexual explorations with females from very young, so female spaces were always sexualized for me. After falling in love with my high school best friend, and being sexually rejected by her, I stayed away from women both as lovers and friends for a long time. It has only been the past few years that I have opened myself up to close female friendships again, coinciding with a divorce and living alone for the first time. My non-sexualized friendships with women have been a lifesaver for me, after moving to a new town and not living with a man for many years now. I've been counting on this safe space, but when I got Netflix and discovered Alex Vause... :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf:eek::eek::eek::***:! It all came crashing down again and the past came rushing back at me all at once. I guess this is part of why I don't want to come out... don't even want to be bisexual or lesbian. Don't want to mess up what has been a very comforting ability to connect with women without needing to make it physical. I think you have hit the nail on the head for me... much food for thought here. :icon_sad::tears:
Right! Doesn't mean you're incapacitated or anything, but it's there in the background. And for a New Queer like me who is still in my queer adolescence, it's worse than that, it's more like oh man I want to sleep with her! And her! And her! It's exhausting. I mean it's possible an all female space could be "safe" for you in that way, as long as they knew not to hit on you. I humbly put this forward as a reason (among other reasons, I'm sure) why gay people sometimes seek the company of the opposite sex to have as friends. As a bi person, that's not even possible, alas. ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2015 at 07:06 AM ---------- No, but don't you see it, darling? You've already won! You've already found a way to connect to women non-sexually, even knowing you are queer. Yes, it was a hard road: you had to shut down the lesbian side of you in practice. But now you know you can have both the close female connection that is not sexual and a desire for women. You need to allow yourself to have them at the same time, which sounds like it is something that scares you. But here's the truth: you've already won. Your desire never went away, did it? So you've been having both for a long time. This is a cheesy analogy but you're like a time traveler who is looking back at your former self who is scared. You think to yourself---I can do this! I've already done it! Take heart! You've already won where it counts---now you have to allow yourself to accept your victory. ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2015 at 07:10 AM ---------- New York, man. It's delicious torture for me right now.
I really hadn't thought of it that way. I assumed I was squashing my woman-loving self, caving to social pressure, taking the coward's way out. Yes, I have been focusing on learning to care about women without being obsessed with thoughts of sex. I assumed that meant that I had gone heterosexual. But actually I have also been learning to care about men without being obsessed with thoughts of sex. The bottom line is that I've gotten non-sexualized spaces all over the place for myself. And I feel good being able to be around people with no expectations. How to be open to more, from women... I don't know. I'm not "on the hunt" but I'm not internally resistant. I'm just letting myself be. Thanks Cap!
I'm so glad I'm not the only person that feels this way!!! Having come out too family and close friends around a year ago at age 40 I have found it difficult to interact with females especially if I find them attractive Physically or emotionally. Having learnt to express myself more readily thanks to counselling and a lot of soul searching I have made new freinds via a women's group which is great, but it comes with a whole bunch of unexpected feelings and desires. I guess keeping thes under wraps for so long is the reason, and I think part of me thought Naively that all these feelings once let loose would make things less complicated but atlas it's more complex than I could have ever imagined!
I feel you, sister. I feel you. (In a non-objectifying, totally platonic sisterhood kind of way!) :icon_bigg
