Have to vent a bit. My husband is aware of my attraction to women. It began years ago when I came to him to tell him about the attraction I had for a best friend of mine and he was ok with it. At first. He didn't really think much of it and was happy I had a close friend. I think maybe he thought back then my attraction was just for her, and quite frankly so did I. Now that I am oh so much wiser, or shall we saw accepting of my attraction to women, I am very passionate about supporting LGBT issues because after all it is very much a part of who I am. He does not understand that. I think he still believes that my attraction to women falls into the, hey lets have a threesome, as CapColors discussed, and then I should be good. As other women have said, it is about the emotional connection with another woman. A relationship built on emotional intimacy would more than likely entail physical intimacy as well for most, but for my specifically what draws me in is the emotional connection to a woman, there's nothing like it. Tonight my husband made a stupid comment about "them" or "those people" in the LGBT community. He has this horribly adverse reaction to any male on male sex scenes in any show that we watch. As if viewing these scenes makes him less straight or something. He has made the comment stating why do "they" have to become part of almost every show we watch. He said he doesn't want to see it and is tired of it "being shoved in his face." I can tell you, that my blood boiled and I really could not find the right words to express to him how angry I was. First of all, I am part of the LGBT community that he is referring to so when he says the ignorant things that he does he is also insulting me as well, which he doesn't seem to understand. His comments are archaic and idiotic and when he says them I can barely sit in the same room with him. Second of all if the scene involved two women he would be more than happy to rewind seven times for his viewing pleasure. He also made a comment tonight about a co worker of his who dated men for years, but then suddenly met a women and started a relationship with her and they recently got married. The women that his co worker married was in a hetero relationship when they met and left her husband to be with my husband's co worker. He made the comment that she lied to her husband all of these years, and how dare she. He added that we are born the way we are and he does not understand how someone could "pretend" they were straight for most of their life and then finally come out as gay. He said he thinks its ridiculous. Just wow. I didn't even try and respond to those comments. I mean he knows that this is kinda what I am experiencing now, and him saying such ignorant comments is really an attack on who I am as well. I didn't wake up one sunny Wednesday morning in June and think, my goodness I want a women. I don't think he has any kind of idea on what a torturous path my coming out has taken me and it is definitely one I did not chose. I sometimes wonder how I stay here, how I am with someone who is "ok" with my bisexuality when it serves his purpose, but other than that he can make blanket comments about an entire community and not think of them as offensive. My husband is very black and white and sometimes, well most times, and trying to talk sense into him is like trying to tell my three year old why he cannot have candy for breakfast. I am having a hard time connecting with him on any level recently and comments like these don't make it any easier. Ugh, I just don't get some straight people, more specifically my straight ignorant husband, and his ignorance for what alot of us go through. Bring a girl home on a whim for a threesome and he would probably be grateful to all that is good that I am bi....but when LGBT issues are finally becoming more and more accepted and incorporated into our every day much more so then they have the past he wants nothing to do with it. Doesn't serve a purpose for his ignorant state of being. Just don't understand. It is so closed minded of him to make the comments he does and puts another brick in the wall that I am slowly building that keeps him at an arms distance.
Are you possibly jumping the gun here? You state yourself he thinks your attraction to women was a one off thing for one friend and he is unaware of your deeper desires. At the same time, the seed is planted in his head that maybe there is something more to your sexuality than what your leading him to believe. So I can certainly understand if, as a defensive measure, he reacts the way he does around LGBT themes and issues. I say this because I had a similar experience the other way around with my ex wife. Rather than berate him mentally and torment yourself as a result, maybe you should consider your own situation and what you need to do in order to become comfortable with whom you are. Then, once you have gotten to a point of comfort with yourself, have a discussion with him and communicate. You might be surprised at how he reacts. In my case, my X wife was open to actually staying together knowing that I was gay; even after hearing her make uncomfortable comments regarding LGBT issues over the years. I, however, chose not to take that path. Please give it some thought and consider for a second what might be going through his head.
Well maybe let me clarify then, he definitely knows my attraction for women was not a one time deal and that I am attracted to women and not just attracted to one woman in particular. We have discussed it before in detail. In fact the other day he apologized to me For not trying harder to incorporate my desire to be with a woman into our relationship into our marriage---but he is talking about sexually, threesome. That's it. He knows how I feel and yet he still continues to make negative comments. Irregardless of how I feel, or who I am, it is ignorant for him to make the comments that he does. He has had time to process how I feel---he chooses to see my feelings as "oh good maybe that means one day we will have a threesome"---it's all about what he may possibility get from the situation...
Communication is key here. My sense is your still sorting through for yourself what you want, and until you figure that out and talk to him in earnest, what you require from him will be difficult to achieve.
I think a point is being missed here. Even without Third's current state of mind, emotions, or communication history, the things he is saying are unacceptable. Homophobic and chauvinistic. The fact that he knows she's trying to find her way in LGBT matters makes it doubly unacceptable. Maybe he's acting out or being defensive or whatever but that doesn't give him an excuse for saying nasty things like that. If he thought about it for more than a second, he'd know these comments aren't things he should be saying to someone he supposedly loves.
I agree with that, but if she is not communicating to him directly that she has an issue with it and more specifically why, then he has no basis to change. I agree it's not right, and I am not trying to defend he comments in of themselves. The comments are wrong. Unfortunately there remains massive homophobia in society today, and even our loved ones express it. I know this is not directly comparable, but even after I came out and got acceptance from family, some of them still made homophobic comments. I took the initiative and explained why such comments were hurtful, and such comments have since stopped (I have written about this in prior threads). I appreciate how annoying the comments are, but unless she is prepared to address them directly with her husband, there remains no foundation for them to stop. And if she has communicated directly and clearly that his homophobic comments are hurtful and even more so because of her sexuality, then he is being a compete a-----e and the relationship needs to be altogether reevaluated. But again, such reevaluation requires an understanding about what one wants for herself out of life. Difficult stuff for sure.
Yeah, sorry. I'm not buying that. It must be obvious he's upsetting her. This is the foundation for the comments to stop. Just because she hasn't explained in words how upsetting this is, and maybe she has, doesn't give him a pass on being nice. Or, at least, not awful. Not everyone can use these situations as teachable moments but I'm pretty sure if he paid attention to her reaction, he'd learn something.
No, don't be sorry, and I can understand not buying it. But the fact remains there are two choices - either a) do nothing and it most likely will continue, or b) take the initiative to speak up directly and get change to happen. Clearly subtle hints, innuendos and suggestions does not work, and therefore a more direct approach is required. oh, one more option, for the most conclusive response, just leave him. The situation sucks, but those are the options.
To clarify, I have made it known to my husband my feeings recently and how it is affecting me. He knows that what I want is a relationship with a woman, a girlfriend, and not because I want to have sex with another person, but I want the emotional connection. I told him that I would not pursue this because in my eyes it's cheating and I do not want to cheat on him. I guess in a way me telling him I want a girlfriend Bc of the emotional connection is like me saying that he's not enough for me and feels threatened. Doesn't justify his behavior, just my theory behind it. Not sure what I will do as these feeings are not something that is going to go away any time soon...
Given how clear you have been, and to respond with clarity as well, shouldn't the discussion with your husband then be more about how to proceed with your relationship at this point? Taking into account his unhelpful comments, together with your sexuality, both of which seem at odds, it would seem like you need to possibly make some changes in your lives if you can not reconcile the two. Given the apparent disconnect, his comments are just a small issue compared to the bigger issue at hand as a result - should you guys still be together? Now, there are couples that stay together in similar circumstances, based on discussions I have seen on the forum. Financial implications, child raising implications, independence issues all have an impact on what is right for each couple. But in those cases that I have read about, both parties seem to be in agreement on how to proceed. If you are trying to achieve something similar, have you considered going to therapy together? Sounds like it is certainly needed. As you said, your husband is being ignorant, he needs to understand, and if your discussions have not opened his eyes, maybe getting another party involved can help.
Issue is I am not sure how things should proceed at this point in time. Based on my husband's statements as of late, I have become fearful of what the repercussions would Be if I decided to end my marriage Bc I determined that I was in fact not bi but a lesbian. I Not there yet, but if it happens and there is a separation I don't know what his reaction would be and I at he would say to the kids. He can be quite mean and hurtful at times when he himself feels hurt. It is a touchy situation to say the least. We have been through therapy and dealt with several issues including my feelings for my best friend which was causing problems in my marriage. My husband decided he wanted to stop marriage counseling after several months Bc he did not want a stranger to tell us what was wrong with our marriage. He has just been putting up walls and I am not sure I want to climb them anymore.
Yes, I agree. He is acting defensively; he seems really hurt to me. He has unresolved anger, possibly toward you, and it's coming out in these micro-aggressions. To me, it sounds like you guys need to negotiate some boundaries. Tell him that homophobic comments are unacceptable, and in return for his marshaling his behavior around you, you'll do XYZ [not watch LBGT shows?? I have no idea what would be appropriate]. Of course, you shouldn't HAVE to give up anything to stop someone from being an asshole, but on the other hand, maybe he is just feeling like a hurt animal. You did basically tell him: you are not enough for me! Not emotionally, and not sexually. Of course he's freaking out. Maybe demonstrating that you care enough to consider a compromise will get him to say something real. Or maybe just telling him you love him and reminding him of all the reasons why would be enough. [Do you love him?] That being said, don't offer to sacrifice much (again, people shouldn't be given treats for not being assholes!). And if the comments don't stop, consider further, more drastic action.
I totally get the need to vent! Reading this totally pissed me off because I know that point of view, and even before I identified as queer, it would make me so angry. Grrr!!!!! Effin people! I think it's important to tell him that this isn't okay, even if it's that simple. :eusa_naug
Do you even like your husband? The way you write about him gives me the impression that you don't even like him. Anyway, obviously his comments seem very homophobic, but hey, at least he's talking about it at all. I think the wrong response from you is to ignore his "ignorant" comments. He's only ignorant because he hasn't been educated yet. That's what ignorant means Why don't you just open your mouth and get a word in about how YOU feel about the topic? Maybe put it into perspective for him? He seems to desperately need that. He clearly cares about the subject since he brought it up to you several times.
His idea of negotiations or compromise is bringing women into the bedroom as if that is a solution to anything (besides fulfilling HIS fantasies). I def do not want to sacrifice any of myself but I have been having a difficult as of late trying to decide what I do want. I don't talk to him about my feelings for women and how each day I wrestle with the constant back and forth of what do I want to do...but I will say a Female is attractive if I think she is and I will also do that with a male as well. His ignorance mostly comes out when there are story lines or news involving two men who are romantically involved. If it's women, he kinda brings it to my attention. He has recorded documentaries for us to watch that center around Lesbians, or news clips, etc. yes he is hurt, I know he is, I didn't intend to be this way or chose it. Do I love him? Yes as the father of my children. I am not in love with him, haven't been for awhile. Not sure I will ever get it back. Don't know what was to do with everything. Kids are involved, and I don't know if I am strong enough to just end things (if that's what I chose) and leave.... ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2015 at 02:33 PM ---------- Yes agreed. I have found my voice these past several years and been standing up to him which I never did before. Esp regarding the LGBT things....that hits me to the core. I too before I accepted my sexuality defended LGBT rights because love is love. Now being open to him about it, he knows...I won't stand for it. I won't.
I am so sorry he is making things so difficult for you. Sounds like he has a massive ego and quite a temper as well. Please be safe.
Hugs to you (*hug*) You're in my thoughts. I'm lucky that my husband is pretty open-minded, but I do feel myself tiptoeing around things a lot lately. I changed the background on my watch to a Running Theme, which happens to just be multi-colored as well. He was like, "Wow, think your watch is gay enough?" I wear "boy short" style underwear, which he used to find sexy, now he's just like, "Putting on your dude underwear?" So it's like all these normal things I do are under a microscope. I feel your pain.
Thanks Mellie I appreciate it. I know he is hurting and probably more so feels threatened by what I am going through thinking I will leave him for a woman, and I get the hurt and frustration on his end bit the lashing out has to stop. I don't understand why men in partnerships/marriages such as ours feel they need to "poke" at us for who we are and what we do. Maybe insecurity plays into things as well. Keep being you! That's what I tell myself and in my case if my husband continues on the path he does and makes the comments he has been I will have to change more course and really evaluate my choice to stay.
ThirdTime i feel that he should stop or change his behavior if he is aware it hurts or offends you. It sounds like he is aware, but still he hasn't stopped. Maybe your husb and mine are long lost brothers? If so I have no advice because nothing I have said or did has changed him. If he wants to change it has to come from himself. I think that keeping you happy should be motivation enough for change but what do i know? Hugs!! (&&&)
Lol, they could be brothers. Or it could be the straight male mentality. I have made it known what he says hurts me and that it has to stop. I guess that's all I can do. If he chooses to continue to say things and hurt me then I guess I have to take different steps. It's helps hearing from everyone here, makes me realize that I am not crazy. Sometimes I feel I do something or say something to warrant that type of behavior. It's been tough.
