Y'all. I need to get out my frustrations. Now that I'm out, it seems like the people who know are all pushing me to pack up my shit, file for divorce, and leave. Like it's that freaking easy. Like I can just be completely emotionally detached from the past 10 years of marriage because I'm gay. Like I can just take my children out of the house and away from their Daddy because I'm gay. Like I even have the means to do so, even if all the above were true. Do people simply not realize how hard a divorce is, on all levels? Do they realize it's not as simple as, "I'm not in love with you, therefore I'm leaving. Now. Goodbye"? I feel so much pressure right now. From the therapists. From the family that knows. From the friends that know. Is it really supposed to be as simple as, "Just get a divorce"? Am I somehow overthinking this or back pedaling out of fear? I feel like because I'm not gone, people don't think I'm really gay. "Well, if you are gay, there isn't really an option here, is there?" I'm so scared and I feel so overwhelmed and alone. I'm in way over my head. Thank goodness for this board...
Millie, one of the hardest things in the world was making the decision to divorce. For me, it was part of the same decision on coming out. I appreciate that's not the same for everyone and everyone has different circumstances to consider. You are such a trooper, I really feel for you right now. Despite all the pressure, only you can decide what's best for you. Take the time you need to decide what's best for you.
Awww. Sorry Mellie. I know how hard things have been lately. What I have learned is when a situation like this comes up everyone is an expert and can preach to you about what THEY think you should do, and how you should behave and what you should think. In actuality what you're going through is happening to you and your husband and children. The only opinions that matter is the ones shared between you and your husband. You both know what's best for you and you're family and that is all that matters. Everything else, everyone else is noise in the background. People love to judge and share their opinions when In reality they have no idea what you or your husband or children are going through. People also want order and normalcy and for everyone else to follow convention. You and your partner know what's best for your family. Everyone else needs to just step back and mind their own. Hang in there my dear and keep venting away if need be. We are here.
I agree with the two above posters. Only you and your husband can decide this, not anyone else. In this situation, communication with your husband is key. (Side note: I also believe that a two people can stay married even if they don't love each other in that way, as long as they have a healthy relationship. That's just my two cents though.)
I'm sorry that you are feeling pressure from the various people. You must be overwhelmed by the pressure and decisions ahead of you. We're here for you on EC (&&&) You have several major options (variations are possible). Stay married and stay faithful to your husband until you children go to college. Stay married and open the marriage until you children go to college. Go the divorce/separation route. Try to step back from the pressure and decide what's right for you. From my personal experience, divorce is painful, yet it will allow one to live the most authentic life once we're past it.
I feel for you. I am sorry you have those people saying stuff in your ear. They should be there to support you and to talk you through whatever processing you are doing. If your marriage has been good for you (except for the whole lesbian part) it can be very hard to decide what is the right thing. It's not even easy for people who have had abuse, addiction, affairs, & horrible fighting to leave a marriage!! Just because we are coming out later in life does not eradicate and invalidate the past. One of my best friends is trans for 2 years now and is still married with her kids and her wife. I get it that there is so much love, history, compatibility, comfort, safety, social approval. A place where you have so far raised your kids. A life you worked so hard to shape and create. And I get it on the other side there is potentially 2-3 years of looming "what did I do???" epic bouts of regret and crying jags. Possible emotional, financial, and legal fallout with your spouse that you've built your life with. It feels like society will judge. Complete change of daily routine, possible change of time spent with children. . . . but also possible bliss... I'm with you mellie. I hear ya and I'm with ya. I'm not saying I understand 100% because our histories and current situations are different, but I and everyone else are here for you. Thanks for venting, it let me vent a little too. ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2015 at 11:04 PM ---------- Also I want to add you are not alone! :icon_bigg Lots of us are in your position, or the before or after steps of your decision. I want to add that I feel pressure in a different way. Many bi friends I have met think I'm crazy to consider leaving an open marriage. They feel it's the holy grail. But I don't know what to do since I feel things for my gf I've never felt for anyone else. Doing my best to not be hasty, but the situation is seriously messing with my head. Maybe I'm not cool enough to be poly... “What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else.”
Yup, this is for you and your husband to figure out. Your friends and family need to keep their judgment to themselves and just be there for you. It sounds like they are trying to be supportive but are missing the mark.
Aww. Sorry to hear about all of the pressure. And I'm extra sorry to hear that you are even getting pressure from a therapist. The pressure isn't cool from anyone, but a therapist really should know better. And yeah, I totally agree with everyone here saying that this is between you and your husband and not anyone else.
Don't let fear control your choices. Be strong. Focus on your kids. Tune out all the other crap best you can.
Thank you. I know divorce is inevitable. Neither of us want to continue in a passionless marriage. I'm just frustrated that everyone thinks I should be gone already, like what am I waiting for? I'm only just came out to him a week ago... Thank you everyone for the support.
From what you've said, it sounds like divorce is the right move for you, but how and when you do that is completely up to you. You can't follow anyone else's timeline. Your friends are probably just trying to help, but only you really know what's best for you. Kudos for taking the steps you need to; I know how hard it is!
Those other voices are scared- and fearful and want to be helpful even when they are not- as other's have said take you time- you and your husband have to figure out what is right for you all as a family The only thing that bothers me is no one has addressed your therapist- who works for you- if you are asking for advice then so be it- if you are asking for help to figure out what is best for you- then you therapist should be telling you what they hear- and then you agree if that is correct and what you want to do- you have the right to tell your therapist- not to give unsolicited advice- and to disagree with their assessment of you- they are not the expert on you- unless you make them- they are there to help you be the best mentally healthy person you are and can be. Remeber you pay them- not vice versa- and if the therapist cannot back off on their statements- maybe it is time to find a new one I hope all is well with you as you journey on this road- as someone who themselves is on a road similar to yours
Oh! It's been a week already?! Then what are you waiting for? I kid I kid. :icon_bigg Yes, these guys need to chill. The therapist should know better but they are human too and their biases show from time to time.
I wish there was a way I could message you. What you are going through is nearly identical to what I am going through it seems. It isn't as easy as snapping your fingers. There are so many factors to consider!
Feel free to wall message me! You're right. If there weren't kids and finances involved, I'd make a clean break. I think he feels the same.
Hi Mellie, I read your post today - thanks for sharing! I can relate to how you expressed yourself. I came out in April 2012. I was married and my three sons were in their late teens. I was married for 21+ years. It took 6 months before my ex wife filed for divorce, then 2 months later she wanted to back out so I had to petition the court to keep the divorce progressing and another 8 months before it was finalized. After my divorce, I dated several really great men and even developed what I thought were deep feelings. Actually I did not really know myself well enough to make a commitment and I still am dealing with my "coming out" as I am not sure where this is heading for me. I am out to everyone - literally, yet I find myself missing the past when my sons were kids. I also think I am for some reason only recalling the good parts of my marriage. I dream about those days a lot - like every night. I come from a conservation Christian background so nearly everyone was against me making my "revelation". Today, those same "Christians" who reject Gay & Lesbian people scare the shit out of me with their beliefs - some are my family of origin members. For me, thankfully I have made some great new friendships in the wake of all the negative fallout I experienced. Life truly is a journey. My relationships with my sons are all good and stable - My sons love me no matter what kind of lies family & ex family members have told them as they tried to set a wedge between us. Something I've learned about myself is that prior to "coming out" I was fairly superficial about how my attractions manifested towards certain "types" of men. These days, I am more concerned about the type of character I possess and how I go about just being me. Twenty one years of marriage was a long time. Now that I am single, I want to do right for me - be good to myself without judgments. It's been 2+ years since the divorce and I am still discovering myself. At first, after my divorce, I was acting very much like a 17 year old guy - nowadays I feel I act more in line with a 40 year old. So it is getting better. It is taking some time for my emotional age to catch up to my actual age! All the best to you!
