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Social Anxiety

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rey75, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. Rey75

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    So I just turned 40 this month, I am a lesbian and have ZERO friends! I was in a relationship with a woman whom I still love and miss more than anything. Our clandestine relationship lasted 5 years and ended 2 years ago. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety about 20 years ago which makes it very difficult for me to go out and meet people, not physically difficult but mentally. I fell like I am the shyest person on the planet, I don't go out, I cannot start a conversation, much less keep it. I feel like my time has past and it's all downhill from here. Though I recently published my 3rd novel, I feel like I have not accomplished anything in life due to my anxiety. In my professional life I am ok, not happy, just ok because I feel I could have done more. However, at this point in my life I am longing for companionship but the fear of meeting someone is paralyzing at times. To people whom I meet for the first time, I know I come across as conceited and at times rude but that's not at all who I am. I am not sure if anyone here can relate and understand that Social Anxiety isn't something I can control, something I can't just turn off and on because a lot of people tell me, "Just go out and meet people," but it really is not that easy. I hope here I can meet people and not be afraid to tell them why I'm so quiet. Thanks so much for taking the time to read a bit about me. :smilewave
     
    #1 Rey75, Sep 28, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2015
  2. london

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    Hey :slight_smile:
    Congrats on publishing three novels, that's amazing! Such a huge achievement!
    I know it's hard to focus on positives when you're feeling anxious but that really is so much more than a lot of people accomplish in their lives. Also, for someone suffering from anxiety (which I also suffer from) it is even harder to put yourself out there, even in written form, so I imagine you must have some strength of character that you may not have acknowledged yourself for.
    I also struggle with meeting people. For the longest time I've clammed up in group situations. Whilst I'm better one on one, I've lost a lot of friends through not being able to communicate in groups and so coming across as rude and uninterested to their other friends. It's not for everyone, and different things will work for different people, but I recently joined a roller derby league and it has helped with that no end. I still struggle with other groups, but so many people go into roller derby with anxiety issues (who knew?!) that people seem to be really open with it, I've found it really helpful to just have that out in conversation and no-one judges if you don't feel up to socialising sometimes.

    So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe there will be a situation you find yourself in soon that is more accepting of anxiety and so allows you to get used to group spaces whilst not pushing you out of your comfort zone. Maybe a meet-up group or something? I have to admit I tried a lot before it worked, but now having a space where my anxiety can just be acknowledged and accepted has started to seep a bit of confidence into other aspects of my life.

    I know it's not easy and I've been really lucky finding that crowd, but it can happen. And with the right crowd it will be easier :slight_smile:
     
  3. TheStormInside

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    Hey Rey75, I also have pretty bad social anxiety, along with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I completely relate when you say your anxiety has gotten in the way of you doing more with your life. I read once that social anxiety is "a disorder of missed opportunities" and that has stuck with me because it is so painfully astute.

    Are you in treatment for your anxiety? I've improved some over the years, myself, with regular therapy, medication, and some hard work. It is in no way easy, and I still feel I am very held back by my anxiety in many ways, but seeing that I've made positive steps gives me hope that I can continue to do so. My biggest hurdle right now (aside from coming out to family, which is another weight still resting on my shoulders), is trying to meet people in the local LGBT community. So far, I've been unsuccessful, for all the reasons stated above. Unlike you I've not even had a girlfriend, because it is so difficult for me to meet people and put myself out there. :eusa_doh: Hopefully we can both make progress!
     
  4. UniqueJourney

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    I'm in the same boat except I have PTSD and social anxiety. It is difficult for me to go anywhere in public without some degree of fear and anxiety. I can't do crowds or places where I feel like I can't escape. Banks and post offices can be oddly difficult...anywhere I have to wait in a line or waiting room.

    Bars and clubs are totally out of the question. Church, even a gay church, will cause panic attacks due to the abuse in my past. There are no meet-up groups near where I live. So it is extremely difficult to meet people locally, even if I could make myself go out and do something. I really wanted to attend a couple of local extension classes but just couldn't make myself do it.

    EC has become a safe place for me right now. I so badly need friends IRL to socialize with, but for now I'm focusing on baby steps.

    I took myself shopping two weekends ago and made it through 4 stores, none of which which were grocery stores. The first store was horrible and I almost broke down in the store, but I persisted and went somewhere else. Each store got a little easier. And then I did something totally shocking for me...I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant (it's so much easier to avoid people and eat fast food in my car), by myself (which I never thought I'd be able to do), and even had a daquiri with dinner (which shows how far I've come in dealing with the extreme anxiety I have in regards to people drinking)...each piece of which was an amazing step for me in and of itself. And I did not feel anxious at dinner. In fact, I actually enjoyed it. And that comepletly amazes me. It was very encouraging to see that baby steps can pay off.

    Anxiety can be paralyzing. And people who have no experience with it do not understand that it is agonizing to fight through it and takes a lot of hard work, determination, and persistence over a long period of time to lessen the anxiety we feel. It's certainly not as easy as just wishing it away. People that tell others to "just get over it already" have no compassion, no empathy, and absolutely no understanding.

    However, I think we've found a safe place here. And this is certainly one place where we can take baby steps that lead in a positive direction.

    ****Hugs**** Hang in there.
     
  5. Rey75

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    Thanks so much for your replies.
    @UniqueJourney, your message really resonated with me and found so many similarities in your story. Please know I'm here if you need a friend :slight_smile:
     
  6. Moonflower

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    I have a lot of experience with anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder) and depression. It is NO JOKE. It's a tough thing to deal with and as Unique Journey mentioned, people just don't get it.
    I like going to things where I can socialize for a short period of time, take breaks and come back if I feel it's necessary. Art gallery events are good for this. A lot of these are also free-which helps because if you only stay at something for a half hour, you don't have to force yourself to stay because you'll "lose money" or something like that if you don't stay. Art events are also REALLY good because you're talking to people about the work placed in the gallery, not your personal lives. So think about what kinds of events would be good for you to try to start going to. It also helps that I'm an artist and writer ( by the way, congrats on your three books, I haven't even finished one, though I am at 300 pages) So I think you're on track with deciding on the type of events and then moving on from there. Hope it gets better.
     
  7. UniqueJourney

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    That's a really good idea Moonflower. I love art. I wouldn't start with an event though. For me it is a huge step to just go some place new. I can't usually handle new places and a new social situation at the same time. So I'd start by first visiting the gallery or museum etc...and repeat until the familiarity of the place itself started lessening that particular anxiety. Then I might try an event. But that's an excellent idea!

    ---------- Post added 29th Sep 2015 at 07:28 AM ----------

    I'm glad that my experiences resonated with you. That makes it worth the vulnerability. It's hard to be that open about things like this, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

    There are definitely others of us working through similar issues. I am finding EC to be a wonderfully accepting and supportive place.

    Have a wonderful Friday!!
     
  8. angeluscrzy

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    I have bad anxieties as well and also have zero friends. Anyone I know is only thru my job and those are acquaintances, not friends. I see people having dinner out with their friends and stuff and it just seems weird to me, and I think wow this is what normal people do, and I feel anything but normal because of it. I know I am rather standoffish as well, so I am sure I don't make the best first impressions. I'm feeling more confidence since coming out, (even if mainly just to myself) but I still have a long way to go. I have things I feel I need to get in order before I will ever be able to feel more comfortable around people.
     
  9. Chicagoblue

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    I have anxiety around straight people. Not trying to be funny...I really do.
     
  10. Zen fix

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    I have dealt with a lot of generalized anxiety. No social anxiety or if I do it's mild. I can't imagine how tough that must be. I think EC is a good place to safely make some new connections.
     
  11. UniqueJourney

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    I just had a session with my counselor and we talked about my anxiety. Greater than the social anxiety I feel is the overwhelming anxiety that I experience as a result of the PTSD. Anxiety about practically everything, but particularly going out of the house, anywhere really. It's often a combination of anxiety and outright fear.

    If I have to wait, in a line or a waiting room, it amps up those feelings. If there are lots of people, or the space feels too crowded (like a clothing store where racks are packed too tightly together) I get panicky...similar to claustrophobia...I feel trapped and like I can't escape.

    As I've gotten older I've become better at one-on-one interaction. I can chit chat with a stranger depending on where I'm at and how I'm feeling. I can handle some small groups, again depending on how comfortable I am with the location and the group. I can even be convinced to go out to a crowded restaurant with someone. But I experience anxiety (in varying degrees) in all these situations. The more people and/or the tighter the space feels...the more agonizing the anxiety.

    The key for me is establishing comfortable routines. Spaces are very important. I love the outdoors and feel at peace there. But indoor spaces take time and repeated exposure for me to get comfortable with. If I'm comfortable with a space I can tolerate strangers in that space with less anxiety. And eventually, when I feel safe in that space, I don't think much about the people coming and going and moving around me. That's the way it's become at work in the breakroom.

    In regards to people, I generally have more anxiety towards men due to the circumstances of my PTSD. But if I'm really drawn to someone of any gender or sexual orientation...for friendship or more...I can have a lot of social anxiety. I'm more likely to sit somewhere I can observe and not be noticed. It's very difficult to engage with people I'm really drawn to.
     
    #11 UniqueJourney, Sep 29, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2015
  12. UniqueJourney

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    Rey75, do you experience anxiety going places where you don't have to engage socially? I'm wondering if it would help you to start in small increments.

    If you like coffee, how about finding a cozy local coffee shop or cafe etc to become a regular at? There's no pressure to socialize. Find an out of the way spot and read a book, newspaper, or cruise the 'net on your laptop. Make this a regular habit, say once a week. Over time the staff will get to know you and you'll become familiar with other regulars (not necessarily by conversing with them but simply by observing). Eventually you might find yourself able to talk to some of these individuals.

    Break down that seemingly insurmountable goal into small steps. Focus on something you can do now with effort. Something that is uncomfortable and a stretch, but still doable. Remember that you climb a mountain one step at a time. I believe you can do it!