1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I wrote a letter....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Sep 29, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This one I am really thinking I'll send to my 3 siblings. Help me be brave. Tell me what you think :slight_smile:

    I need hand-holding on this one. I feel very nervous.

    The first part ("Hi...") will be like the beginning of an email, I may attach the letter or just set it off somehow, not sure.


    ----

    Hi,

    I wanted to share something with you. If I were home, I'd probably casually talk about these things with you at some point, when it comes up in conversation somehow... But anyway, I'm not home.
    So I kind of wrote out some thoughts, and I'm a little embarrassed about it coming off as 'melodramatic' but, i just kind of shared things honestly... And I'm sharing with you because, well, you've always been one of my best friends, so anyway here it is.

    ----
    If you're confident, self-assured, secure in owning who you are, you share your truths and your understanding of yourself on your everyday interactions. It comes out in an off-hand comment, in sharing a memory or a story about your day.

    I'm not such a person. I've always been a bit more sheepish about just being me.

    It's silly really, if I would have told you in passing when I was 10 or 15, 20, 26, about the crushes I've had on girls, you wouldn't have cared. If I would have pursued some of those crushes when I was younger without hiding them, you wouldn't have felt any differently about me. If I were to talk, then or now, without censoring myself, you would still love me. If I'd have said in passing when we talk about political issues, same-sex marriage, etc., that I've realized long ago that I'm not straight, it wouldn't have made a difference, I'm sure of it. I'm not gay either, but I am certainly not straight, I've known for d long time that I am bi.
    But anyway I haven't done any of those things, and still don't, even though this facet of me was a truth id starting understanding as young as 8, and still know about me now.
    Maybe it seems trivial, because I have a husband now, who is amazing, and a daughter, also amazing, and a great life.
    But it's that daughter that makes me realize something. I don't feel good about pretending all my life that some of my feelings and experiences arent there. I don't ever want Mia to be ashamed, insecure or apologetic about who she is. And I realize I can't teach that to her without being true to myself.
    I'm happy about where my life is now, that's clear. But if we are talking about ifs, and pursuing things that were true to my real wishes, I would be s happier person, now and then, had I not been too afraid to just do things that felt right to me.
    So, anyway, I just thought I'd share something true about me with you, because I believe I'll feel a fuller person if I can talk freely about things, whenever it feels right, especially with people I'm close to.
    And so...there it is.

    Love you.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Sep 29, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2015
  2. Distant Echo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2015
    Messages:
    462
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    on the verge of somewhere
    That is an amazing letter.
    I hope I can be that brave one day
     
  3. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your encouragement :slight_smile:. Everything I imsgine doing or consider saying, including this letter, doesn't feel very brave. I keep thinking why can't I just say it. I don't want them to think it's all very unimportant or that I am bringing it up out of nowhere. I don't want it to reflect on my marriage or my husband poorly... I hope all of that is conveyed clearly.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Very thoughtful letter! Make sure to print it and keep it safe. In a few years after you have sent it, go back and re read. See how far you will have come!
     
  5. Distant Echo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2015
    Messages:
    462
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    on the verge of somewhere
    I'm nowhere near telling my kids who I am. I can't even imagine telling them right now. as for the rest of my family, I doubt I will ever tell them. I suspect the only way they'll find out is if they visit (which they never do) and I'm in a relationship with a female.
    Just thinking about it makes you brave. It really does.
     
    #5 Distant Echo, Sep 30, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2015
  6. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    Thank you for that thought, about holding onto it. I think it will embolden me to be brave so I have things to look back on and be proud.

    ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2015 at 12:27 AM ----------

    Thank you for that suggestion to hold onto it, I think that will embolden me to be brave so I have things I can look back on and be proud.

    I've been thinking about being more bold on facebook once my siblings and dad kniw (ive now told 2 best friends and my mom). I figure I don't have to be like hey everyone on FB, I'm bi! But I want to post things that are important politically about the bi experience.
    That will make me feel more like I can help people open up about bi issues and even about their own experiences.

    ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2015 at 12:28 AM ----------

    Weird double post - I don't know how that happened.

    ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2015 at 12:29 AM ----------

    Thank you :icon_redf. Still feeling scared, but I really really want to do this.

    ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2015 at 12:42 AM ----------

    I also wanted to say - this is a very personal decision, you should always do whst feels true to *you*. My own personal reasons have made me want to share with my family. Not everyone feels the same way. But if you do want to, you can be brave! You can certainly do it if it's important to you. But take all the time you need to make these decisions for yourself, it doesn't make you any less brave if you choose to keep it private, or if it takes you a long time to share.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone


    Thats a good thought. You can always make indirect references rather than being direct; this was my approach.
     
    #7 OnTheHighway, Sep 30, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2015
  8. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The important thing for me is that I can just say things, share things, be open without feeling ashamed. Once I directly tell a select few people, I don't care about the way it comes up or if it comes up at all. Just as long as I always feel I'm being honest and not choosing to censor myself in some way.
     
  9. Distant Echo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2015
    Messages:
    462
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    on the verge of somewhere
    I was genuinely shocked when I came out to my partner. It wasn't planned at all. I initially wished I could take it back. It was liberating, and it's nice to be more myself but...
    I know my older kids will accept it. Be a bit weirded out, but it will be fine. But it's more my younger kids. They have their dad back in their lives, and I don't want them to feel like they are going to lose him again because I'm bi.
    Does that make sense?
     
  10. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Of course it makes sense, you have to weigh all the different sides of your situation for yourself. I can understand your worries, and I think you know what's right for your life.
     
  11. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    This is a great letter. But I wouldn't bury the lede so much: it sounds like you're going to tell them you are gay and leaving the marriage. It reads different to you and us bc we know the punchline! Consider starting with a summary that outlines the main three points: 1 bi 2 not leaving marriage 3 why tell now. Then invite them to read more details if they want...

    "hey guys I'm bi. It isn't a new realization, and it won't change anything about my loving marriage but I wanted to start living authentically as an example to my daughter. Read on to learn more."
     
    #11 CapColors, Sep 30, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2015
  12. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks Cap, I was wondering if it came off that way after writing. I think I am just a bit scared to say it so directly. Ah, why does this have to be so hard?
     
  13. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    You know your family best but frankly I think people care a lot less about the details of our particular agony than we do. I learned this when my husband was like "...and" when I told him I was bi. Heh. They probably just want to know the important stuff right away...
     
  14. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    I think being direct is scary, but probably alleviates the reader's tension.

    And... It's not called being queer for no reason! Being non straight means by default you are a bit different. Different tends to be a bit hard when you are finding your way. I am trying to see it as I do some of my other differences: being Jewish, being gifted, working part time and SAHM part time. Each has some challenges, but together they (plus all my more typical traits) make up who I am.