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It's a long story...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by driedroses, Oct 1, 2015.

  1. driedroses

    Regular Member

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    What's that they say - begin at the beginning?

    Joe and I met when we were 13, in high school. Fast forward several years, we were 20, I had a kid, Joe and I are finally dating after years of being best friends. We get married at 21, and over the course of six more years have three kids together. In this time, I've expressed regularly to Joe that I'm attracted to women, and at some point, I put the word bisexual to it. I figure it doesn't really matter, though, because hey, we're going to be married forever, right?

    Fast forward to 2014 - we're both turning 40 this year, celebrated our 18th anniversary, kids are all growing up - the youngest is nearly a teenager. Things have changed in our relationship, there's very little affection coming from him. He's also started going out on a regular basis in the evenings which was uncommon. I'm asking questions, but getting no responses. I figured I'd get through our birthdays (late in the year) and Christmas and figure out a plan to work forward, because I'm committed to this relationship.

    One morning two weeks before Christmas, I can tell there is something really, really wrong and I ask. He gives me this devastated look and says - I didn't want to do this before Christmas. And I get this feeling, in my gut, while he's talking, that he's about to tell me he's gay, which he did. Ok, we can work this out, what do we need to do? The bombshell (as if that wasn't enough) is that he's been seeing someone for three months. That we can't work out. No possible way.

    This is my best friend, he has been my best friend for nearly 30 years. I'm not willing to lose that friendship because he has come to terms with his sexuality. The kids have all been told, they're incredibly accepting and loving. He moved out in February to live with his partner and we've been separated ever since (I actually consider that we've been separated since that day in December, but really six of one...). It's hard. We work together. We have kids together. We share a car still. I'm finally to the point of being ready to file separation papers - we're not divorcing quite yet for financial reasons.

    And now, I have to address my own issues of sexuality. Like I said, I never hid it from Joe. One of my kids knows. My niece knows, Joe's partner and one of their friends knows. I told a parent figure awhile ago and I told my brother's ex-wife yesterday. All the reactions have been very positive, but I don't know where to go from here. There are many people who will respond positively but there are those - including my parents and siblings - who will not. And there's a good friend I've just recently made and I'm anxious - so anxious - about telling her, but I think it's necessary.

    Now that I'm "available", I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with a man at this time. I'd love to experience a relationship with a woman. I have no idea how to even go about finding women who might be interested, other than online, and I'm really not comfortable with that.

    It's hard. I'm going to be 41 this month. It's been a long year. It's been an incredibly insane year. But I'm starting to see some light. And it's time for me to be happy.
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    Wow, that is quite the story. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in your journey. This is a great place for sure.
     
  3. CapColors

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    Go for it, darling! MANY HUGS.
     
  4. mellie

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    Whoa, what a story! My best advice is that if there was a friendship before, try to continue it now for the kids (which it sounds like you are). Move forward, take care of yourself, get some support--are there any PFLAG groups in your area? Might be a good place to start.

    I wish you luck!
     
  5. Weston

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    This is something I've posted before. It's from an Amazon review of Amity Buxton's book "Unseen — Unheard," about the straight spouses of gay husbands/wives:

    Something that remains surprising is that many ... men and women can participate in seemingly enjoyable sex with their spouses and even express *a form* of intense love towards them, but one day they discover outside their marital bond that they are fully completed with a person of their own gender; the sex and and intimacy they experience for their own gender appears blissful by comparison, and when they fall in love it transcends what they came to know in their marital domain as well as all prior intimate relations with opposite gender partners. When that discovery is made, it is as though their emotions and sexuality after being blurred for years come into a razor sharp focus and the shadows cast on the wall of their existential caves suddenly reveal themselves as a blinding source of light exposing their true nature in full color. Needless to say, this then precipitates a series of events leading to a breakup, a phenomena that has been observed in over 93% of cases.

    It sounds like Joe experienced something along these lines (as did I). Here's hoping that you will find your own "blinding source of light!"