I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. We're all on our own journeys in life, etc, etc. But I just about can't help it. I want to compare myself to straight people, probably because there are just so darn many of them. And at this point in life, they're married, or at least in long-term relationships. They're emotionally mature. They're established, or nearly so. They've sown their wild oats. They are themselves. Or at least it seems that way. And out of all that.... I have a job. And that's it. And by comparison, it's absolutely, completely, utterly unfair, and it seems like not a single one of them gives a :***:. But do all these comparisons matter? Should I even bother?
I'm dealing with some of that myself. I think they matter less than your feelings about them do.The rest is the same old. Grass is greener on the other side of the fence, someone has more money, more looks, more respect, more youth. More more more. Comparisons only matter if they inspire, otherwise they're a waste of energy. What matters is you. Because more is just more. You will still be you. I think there's a self help mantra or three about turning negativity into positive drive. Granted some of that is flower-power nonsense but I think if you're uncertain of your own road (even in the short term) -- every other road looks better. PC
I understand how frustrating it can be to look around and it seems as tho everyone else has themselves more "together". Maybe try to take some time and look within yourself and I'm sure you should be able to at least think of a few things about yourself that you can be proud of. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and dwelling on the weaknesses is useless unless you are willing to put effort in to maybe changing things in those areas.
The question brings to mind my brother. He's married with two teenage kids, has a great house and another one for vacations. But he always seems worn out and stressed over maintaining his life. He tells me he does various things because it's "normal" or because he's "supposed to." I don't get the sense that he's happy. While I'm a bit envious of his material advantages, there's no way I'd trade my "not normal" life for any of his, even if I didn't have a long-term partner.
As someone who previously identified as straight, I lived the straight married lifestyle. Then I realized this wasn't the life that I was born to live. Now I get a second adolescence and get to sow some more wild oats and discover my true self (!) While comparisons are natural, they are counterproductive. Society is optimized for straight people. Straight people don't have to come out of the closet ("Mom, there's something I need to tell you. I'm straight!"). As a result it's far easier to establish oneself and the white picket fence. Best to focus on where you want to go and how you are going to get there living authentically.
I think that's a really good point. It's like how I once saw a description of Facebook: it's a place to compare your inside with someone else's outside. Even someone who has everything "together" probably isn't showing the world what all is going on inside. Which means it's really not a true comparison. For better or worse, I'm not seeing my second adolescence as a blessing just yet. I still think it would've been easier, more fun, and yes, more socially acceptable, to have gone through it at 15 or so instead of now. Though at the time, where I lived, there wasn't anything socially acceptable about a gay teen... But I digress. No need for a white picket fence; a trendy apartment will do just fine
The process of breaking down our respective emotional walls and becoming true to ones self (or self aware) requires one put comparisons into perspective. I would not say someone should completely eliminate making comparisons with others, I believe making and putting such comparisons into the right perspective and context can actually be beneficial. After embarking on my journey, where before I did live by comparison and lived by doing what others expected of me, I now look to compare only as a way of validation and confirmation if I am making the right choices for myself. By comparing, I can see if what others do comfort me or concern me; which helps keep my journey on track. Either way, although comparisons in of themselves do not guide me, they do help provide a type of litmus test for validating my decisions.
Honestly, realizing I'm gay has made me feel a bit better about not quite reaching points of my life many friends have. It's helped me take a little pressure off myself, because for so long I thought there was just something terribly wrong with me. Now I know, I'm just different, and the things that I've struggled with are real, but they can be addressed. And all those straight people you are comparing yourself to have not had to deal with the deep internal processing, self realization, and self acceptance that many of us have, so it really seems unsurprising that it takes us a little longer to get where others are for those reasons.
To be honest I could be in a way thankful to social expectations for finally admitting to myself I was gay. What pushed me to come out to myself was the pressure of getting married and having children. I was torturing myself months (but more like years) with questions related to why do I feel this huge aversion towards getting married to my bf. What's wrong with me? Why do other people seem to actually want this? Finally gave up and admitted to myself I was gay. So now I'm comparing myself to gay people. "By now I should've had experience being with women, should've come out until twenty and so on". :icon_bigg Comparing myself to others really sucks the energy out of me and shifts my focus from myself. Really detrimental, most of the times.
My experience is that *everyone* (including, and especially straight people) has issues...and the ones who seem not to have issues seem that way, because their issues are so huge they need to keep them carefully hidden. Don't compare yourself to others (strange that you say you know you shouldn't, but then question whether doing so matters, and whether you should). Doing so matters. Very much. Because it will always make you miserable. There will always be others who *appear* to be happier and generally better than you. And you'll never know whether they are either of those things (well...except that now and then you'll discover that they're not). Besides comparing yourself to others takes away from the time you could spend comparing yourself to other versions of yourself...you know, the person you could have been if you'd just worked a bit harder in high school; the person you could have been if you'd tried out for that talent show; the person you could have been if you'd had a better math teacher....
Let me re-frame the issue. Instead of comparing yourself to others, you are looking over across the fence and noticing things that you want in your own life. You want to get married, or at least be in a long-term relationship. You want to be more emotionally mature. You want to go out and sow your wild oats. You want to become more established in your career. You want the ability to be yourself unencumbered by social expectations. These are all things that you want. Now, ask two questions: 1. What is standing in your way of getting what you want? 2. What are you doing to solve whatever is standing in your way? This is not an immediate cure for your situation, but at least you will feel productive as you work toward solving it. Unfortunately, it is all to easy to fall back and have a pity party, and dwell on how life is just unfair. Life is unfair, cruel, and indifferent to your suffering. Those are just facts. However, you are the only person who has any power to change these things. They are not things outside of your control.
You know, I was thinking about trying to change the title of this thread to "Comparing myself to others"... I'm going to pour myself more coffee and think about this...
I hope my re-framing of the issue helped. I think it's easy for all of us to have those moments where we feel powerless and trapped by circumstances or the situation in which we currently find ourselves. However, there is usually some type of steps we could be taking to improve that situation. ...of course, those steps are usually hard, difficult, and things we'd like to avoid. (That's usually why we end up in the situation in the first place. :icon_wink)
