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Just had a thought...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CameronMR, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. CameronMR

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    I've been worried about coming out to my family based on their values. When I started dating my just recent ex 3 years ago she asked me if this was finally "the one" it's he "long term" and i, of course, assured her it was. I have a bad habit of telling people what they want to hear instead of what I really feel. Anyway, fast forward to today, I suddenly realized that there it's no written rule about how long I must date someone for. Sure, finding that soul mate, love of my life, happily ever after sounds like amazing fun but it really isn't required for me to be happy. Even if this was a written rule, where would it be written? The bible? I'm not a Christian so this rule wouldn't apply to me anyway.

    I really need to work on the whole being true to myself thing. The cycle of lies became all too automatic when I was in the closet.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2015 at 09:56 AM ----------

    The "she" I was referring to is my grandmother, the busy body of the family. Lol this is why I'm not a writer.
     
    #1 CameronMR, Oct 2, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2015
  2. Zen fix

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    This idea of "the one" is baloney in my opinion. It sets the standard that that is the only valuable relationship. That once you find the one everything is fine and the relationship takes care of itself. Rather than requiring work, flexibility, sacrifice and the tenacity to stay together when times are tough. It sucks for the person who ends up in a relationship with someone who believes this because no human can live up to this unrealistic ideal.

    Asking someone who just started dating if that person is the one is like asking them if they are dating Jesus or Mary. A better question would be to ask how they treat you.
     
  3. wanderinggirl

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    People can be "the one" for one part of your life but not another. Like "the one" is supposed to be able to weather all kinds of storms with you, but really one "the one" might be able to weather very severe storms with you but only of one kind; while another "the one" might be able to pick up slack where the first "the one" couldn't. This is why very long term relationships with all the right feelings and attitudes might come to a screeching halt under certain conditions.

    Friendships, IMO, are way more important for weathering a storm than this mythical "the one". As is other family. As is personal fortitude. With those though, you might find that someone who wasn't "the one" can be there for you through tough times because they are not your sole support network. I don't know if that makes sense? Basically breeding independence makes room for relationships to unexpectedly succeed.
     
  4. CapColors

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    Yes, also the longer I live the more I wish people were more openly poly or serially monogamous instead of just having affairs and divorces.

    The problem is kids and unequal earning potential among partners. I firmly believe kids need two parents to support them, and that someone who chooses to work less for the sake of the family shouldn't be screwed when a partnership ends. I haven't figured out the answer to this yet. There isn't a good one.

    But for those without kids, go crazy! Date someone for ten days! Another for ten years! And screw anyone who tells you you have to live by their schedule.
     
  5. cate1515

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    I agree completely. I am still married and living with my husband and child , as is my girlfriend. Our husbands aren't thrilled by our relationship but they continue to allow us to see each other bc they want us to stay living with our families for now but know we have a need to have our relationship also. I've given my husband the go ahead to do the same, so has she with her husband.
     
  6. CameronMR

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    I'm my experience, yes, kids need both parents. Also, not having both parents isn't detrimental. Have parents in separate homes works just as well provided there is open honest communication between parents.

    Like you said, there's no easy solution.

    As for the relationships, I feellike my while life I'm expected to find the person I must spend the rest of my life with. There have been times I felt I had found that person, and times changed. I don't ever want to get into a relationship assuming that of will be until death. I feel that puts an unnecessary expectation, and adds feelings of guilt which help suppress your true self if something isn't making you happy. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm not articulating my thoughts accurately. Rather that striving for unrealistic goals, just enjoy the relationship for what it is, live in the now and be happy. Not saying that you don't still have to put in effort to make the relationship work, just be real. Don't expect too much from people.
     
  7. TeaTree

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    This reminds me of my mother asking me stuff like that and telling me whenever there is a change I've made like new job or something that she "hopes that I finally found my place in life"..
    Yeah, sure, if I was a tree that might apply...

    Anyway I was raised like that, to always search for safety instead of happiness and love, for example. Like we lived in the second world war. We didn't, but I was raised mainly by my grandparents who lived through that, so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised of why that value system was planted in me - which I'm trying desperately to get rid of.

    I also don't believe in this "the one" theory, we grow and change and different phases of our lives make us a match with different people, who can all be "the one" at some point.
    Sure, some people have longer phases, some shorter. Also, monogamy might not be the best choice for some people in some phases.

    But the norms and the value system we were fed with as children can be so tough to break...
     
    #7 TeaTree, Oct 2, 2015
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  8. CameronMR

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    So hard to break that deeply ingrained upbringing! Where is the reset button already!! Lol

    I found "the one" three times! Lol next!
     
    #8 CameronMR, Oct 2, 2015
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  9. bi2me

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    ^^^This!!
     
  10. CapColors

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    You first really got me think about this recently!

    Although I realize in a way I've always been interested in living a tight community of people: as a kid I used to fantasize about living in a series of adjoined houses with my friends and their families. And living close to my friends is the number one reason I like living in NYC.
     
    #10 CapColors, Oct 4, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2015