Processing the shame

Great question, I too would like to know.

 

ariverinegypt

Welcome to EC :welcome:

At some level the best way to overcome the shame is to come out, since coming out forces one to confront the shame. As you tell more people in your life that you are gay or bisexual (eliminating the secret from your life), you gain strength and acceptance of your true self ride:

I wrote a blog entry with some resources that helped me deal with the shame of being gay before I came out to others http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/11706-healing-shame-being-bisexual-gay.html

HTH

 

Eventually, at least for me, you get to the point of you are so tired of not being able to be who you are. Realizing that this is *your* life and you are your own person and don't owe anyone anything. It is wonderful realizing that forsaking yourself to be in the good graces of anyone that can't accept who you are, its not worth it. If they like you fine, if not so be it. This is who I am. Get with it, or get over it.

 

It's something that I'm still working though. Part of me still thinks that I deserve to hurt, to be hurt, punished, to hurt myself even, for being gay. Thankfully, another part of me finally knows that that is absolutely not true. No one deserves to be punished for being gay--there's nothing wrong with being gay at all.

Coming out to a couple of people has really helped me feel better about myself. It's made the whole experience more real. Granted, I'm not past these feelings that I deserve to be in trouble, that I deserve to be hit or something. But it's a step in the right direction. (And talking about those very feelings helps, too.)

Best of luck. (*hug*)

 

I have a history of depression and self-harm. 5 hospitalizations, a couple o.d.'s, and forearms still bearing faint scars from one cutting fit. So much of my youth just ravaged by all the years of trying to be what I thought I was "supposed" to be. Tried peeking out of the closet a couple times only to shuffle back in, and even had 3 daughters along the way. Over time, trying to live like that, you kind of die inside. And shame is always such a big part. Worrying about the people you will hurt, but sometimes not considering that by ignoring your own needs and desires, you kill your spirit.

 

It helps to have friends that accept you. That's what helped me the most (although I didn't feel ashamed to be gay; I felt ashamed to be suddenly desperately attracted to people out of wedlock). My friends helped me deal with my panic and discomfort by assuring me that I was an Okay person and that they loved me.

 

This 100%

 

Shame (with me) was/ is tough to conquer. As others have stated coming out helps. You need to just own out loud who you are. Start with telling yourself. With me I said "I am a man." It felt good. I feel stronger when I think it too. Keep it simple. Give your mind a break from everything that is swirling around in your head.

 

OMG :eek::icon_sad::tears: SiennaFire... something weird happened inside me when I was reading one of those old posts, I don't remember which one exactly. Suddenly entertaining the thought that I really don't have attraction to men... is that why I always got tired of sex with them, is that why I have always, always, always been looking at women, since as long as I can remember? Ugh... anyway - thank you so much for sharing (and writing!) that blog post. I'm going to save it for future reference.

Ugh! :icon_sad:

 

I've actually never really felt shame about not being straight. In a way, I accepted it about myself a long time ago. There's never been a question for me that I'm attracted to men. If anything, it was the part of me that ended up dating a woman that was confusing. If anything, the shame I'm dealing with right now falls into wishing I had figured out whether I was gay or not before getting engaged to a woman. But if things ended tomorrow, I would have no problem dating guys and being open about it. I actually loved being open with everybody in college about being gay (and eventually bi). It was only a few years ago that I stopped talking about it and acknowledging it as a part of myself out in the open. Now that I'm open about it again, I realize I really missed that. Of course, being open about it means dealing with a lot of it in ways I never have before. Thank goodness for good therapists!

 

Well, there's several things that helped me. But I feel like they fall in two categories:

- External assurance. Essentially: reading stories from people who had gone through the same thing. Background stories. Coming out letters. Coming out stories. Stories from people who had been out for years.
Because, quite often, I'd go: "hey, they were in the same place I'm in. Sometimes even worse. And they made it work! So why shouldn't I?"

As luck would have it, you're on a place that has these sorts of stories in abundance. So hang around. Read threads. Don't read them with an attitude of "That can't happen to me!". Instead, try to see the simlarities. These are people in the same boat. And they're making it work. You're not alone. There's no reason to be ashamed!


- Secondly, there's taking a stap back from "shame". Because shame is something you might feel if you failed at something, or if you did something wrong. But you didn't. You're not a "failed straight guy". You're not failing at someone you're not.
But you're good at being yourself! And that's just what you always were supposed to be!

Seriously, if I were to go ask your friends and family "why do you hang out with ariverinegypt?", would even one of them say: "Because he's straight"?
I'm betting no. They'd have stories about how you have a sense of humor. Or an interesting set of hobbies. Or a good listening ear. Or any of a million things you're good at. Whether or not you're straight would not even come up.

So there's no need to be hard on yourself. Will some people take issue with you being gay? Possibly. But that would be because THEY fail at being accepting, and at seeing the real you. Not because you should be the perfect extra in the movie of their lives.



So: that's my recipe for overcoming shame. Accept that you're really good at being you. And that anyone else should just accept that the part where you like guys is part of that package.
And see that you're not alone in this. Many have been in the same situation and made it work. And so will you!

 

SnowshoeGeek

You seem to be experiencing a potpourri of emotions. It appears to me that you're beginning to accept your sexuality and true self. When I came out to myself as bisexual, I cried tears of joy as I realized that I had found the path. It took me a few more years to make the jump to identifying as gay (I was in deep freeze denial) and then everything about my life began to make more sense when viewed from that perspective. It takes time to process and integrate one's repressed self, but you'll get there with the love and support of EC (&&&)

 

For me the transition to authenticity is a journey rather than a binary transition, that is, you don't wake up one day fully authentic after years of being in the closet. Accepting your orientation (that is that you like guys) is one thing. Accepting and living as a gay man (and hence abandoning your straight persona) is another.

I went through a process of deconstruction and reconstruction. I deconstructed my straight persona and reconstructed my gay self (this is still a work in progress). Guess what? I've found that my interests haven't changed much. Sure, I had a few flashes of insight and now have a newly found appreciation for my interest in cooking and artsy things , but I haven't given up my interest in sports either because of a stereotype. A lot of you stays intact.

The authenticity will bleed into other areas by allowing you to explore places that were previously out of bounds in the closet. For me being in the closet caused the lack of authenticity to bleed into other areas of my life as I tried to deal with the shame before coming out. I would highly recommend reading The Velvet Rage, which opened my eyes to the landscape of gay culture and even some of the things that I did to deal with the shame before coming out (and even before I came out to myself).

As for a major career change, it's possible that your authenticity will pull you in a direction that was previously out of bounds. Of course there are pragmatic concerns that may impact this as well (do you have the skill set for the target profession)?

 

I'm struggling with the shame of having buried it for so long to the point where I still wonder if I'm making it all up as I've never acted on it. Then again, I've almost never pursued a physical relationship with a man because I didn't really have the desire to (gee, I wonder why ). However, I have struggled with being afraid of disappointing my family and friends (which as I am slowly coming out, is obviously more my issue than anyone else's issue). I agree with those above me who are advising speaking to affirming and accepting people as a way of fighting the shame. Unlike many people, I still have a religious side to me and recently spoke with a close religious figure in my life about why I've been pulling away and, while I expected his acceptance, at least on a surface level, given the nature of the church, his true and unabashed affirmation of me and my experiences without any of the religious buzzwords we all know and hate, was huge in fighting some of my misgivings and shame I've been fighting through all of this. Good luck, it's hard.

 

Shame is something that others bestow upon you. Guilt is something you feel after you've done something wrong.

I just keep chipping away at shame by saying to myself, it's something others have bestowed on me, it's what other do, I'm not responsible for it. Period.

Later

 

Yes, but... it took some time. In fact, I've been out for 6 years no, and it is still an ongoing process.

What it mostly came down to is accepting that, over the course of events, I managed to lie about a great many things. It starts with lying about being gay. It continues with lying about anything that could even remotely lead to people assuming I wasn't perfectly masculine in all things.
It ended with lying for no good reason other than "I can get away with it".

Also, that whenever I had to make a choice, I decided to go with the one that rocked the boat the least. Going against the flow would mean more attention focused on me (and thus people potentially figuring out I was gay!). So I'd usually just do whatever I believed others wanted of me. As a whole, that's a huge sacrifice, but it doesn't feel like too much if you're sacrificing one little thing at a time.



So... after coming out, a lot of that ended up changing. It's not so much that my personality changed. I'm still soft-spoken and generally easy-going. And on closer analysis, I actually liked my friends and my hobbies.

But when the chips are down, I am more likely to occasionally present a dissenting opinion. I will occasionally propose a different way to spend an evening. I will occasionally decide not to go along if I'm really not interested in something. If my unique perspective of being in the closet for 25 years can add something, I will not hesitate to bring it up.

And... my friends actually appreciate it! At first, it was a bit of a shock, I'm sure. But I know they like it when I'm more engaged, and occasionally offer something different they'd never have thought of otherwise.



As for making major changes... I'm still working on that. I'm in the position of looking for a new job right now, though. And I must say that it is very refreshing to apply to jobs I want and am actually excited about, rather than "What do my parents want me to do?".


I do think that it's best not to shed your old life entirely all at once. Work on bits an pieces at a time. Coming out first, making some new friends next, and then maybe also a change of hobbies and jobs. While you're wrking on one thing, you have plenty of time thinking of the next steps.

Hey... maybe it's worth just writing it out here! What kind of job do you do now? And what would you possibly want in the future? Why would it fit better with who you truly are inside?