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When will I finally allow myself to be who I want to be?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TeaTree, Oct 4, 2015.

  1. TeaTree

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    I just need to vent...

    I'm not sure I ever will. Right now I feel like I've reached my limits. Maybe I'll never be able to cross them. Maybe the programming of "stay safe" is so strong that I'll stay trapped here forever...

    I hate weekends. After two days with my boyfriend I'm borderline-suicidal every Monday...
    After that it gets better. And I know this is how it works, I know the cycle. I know that feeling shitty and low will finally pass but I also know that it will come again.

    And nothing changes....I'm not strong enough to actually do something.
    We had a disturbing talk this morning again. The pattern is that I start to be open and vulnerable and he reacts with something very painful to me. And I think he is right, I want to avoid some perspectives. But I always feel attacked when he starts with his cold, "pure facts" confrontation. And then I cannot think clearly and jump into defensive mode. And I always feel that I'm wrong. That what I feel and think is all wrong.

    He says this is my problem. I told him that I feel that whatever I try to say, he won't understand me. He said he feels like he is locked in a cage when we talk, because anything he says makes me feel like I'm attacked.

    Then I told him that it's killing me that we are so obviously avoiding some subjects lately...
    But couldn't continue...

    I started to feel so afraid that I will loose him, had this feeling that something tragic will happen.

    But I know this is not ok, we are both suffering.

    I'm just not strong enough and brave enough right now to do anything :icon_sad:
     
  2. IrishJ

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    TeaTree, you are strong and you are brave. It takes effort and guts to open up, even on an anonymous forum such as this. Not all relationships work or are meant to be, in time I hope that you are able to tap into your core and "choose" your path. Communication is key and it sounds like the basics are in place but are getting hung up on past patterns. Maybe there is an alternate route, perhaps a letter?

    Be well and give yourself credit for what you are accomplishing. Rome was not built in a day. Stay safe.
     
  3. CapColors

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    It seems like you might be making life harder on yourself by conflating your queer status with your relationship. If the relationship is dead, it's dead. You can move on without deciding anything else about yourself.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Given this counterproductive pattern, why do you continue to participate in this cycle?
     
  5. TeaTree

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    Funny thing is that most people close to me used to think or still think that our relationship is the most ideal one in the world.
    Sure, I should just move one if it's not working but it's not so black and white. We are together for more than eight years, we have this symbiotic connection where we have our private jokes and finish each others sentences.
    I still love him. I just don't love him like that....

    There are moments when we have a lot of fun and there are moments when we both hurt a lot.

    It's not that I need to decide something about myself. I want to be myself and that cannot happen in this current setup. But also I feel stuck in the current setup for several reasons.

    ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2015 at 09:12 PM ----------

    Half of the weekends he is at work. Also, I guess I'm just starting to recognise the pattern.
    And yeah, I don't really know why I haven't done anything to change this yet. I was thinking that first I want to work on myself and then move away.
    There is still this connection between us I cannot define. He is still very close to me.

    I can't see him as my boyfriend anymore but I don't want to loose him as my best friend. Though not sure if I'll be able to do that.

    I want to talk to him about eventually breaking up but I'm freaking out. This is where the "I'm not brave enough" part comes in.
    Though maybe I need more time...

    ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2015 at 09:23 PM ----------

    I don't know, I'm really not in a good place right now...Just tired of all this...and of myself basically...
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Each of us has our own pace. I wasn't brave enough to come out of the closet 15 years ago, yet today the closet door is wide open. You are brave enough to break up with him, and you will when you are ready.

    If you really want to amaze yourself, break up right now before you have a chance to think about it.
     
  7. Orchidea123

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    You may feel better without relationship for now - not enjoying your weekends is a sign that change for good may need to happen. It is very hard to make that step but once you do, I am sure it will be easier to reflect and make the right choice for you!
     
  8. cate1515

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    I can only speak from my experience, but if I did not have a child, Id have left my husband and be out on my own, or with my girlfriend who would have done the same if she didn't have kids also. The only reason I am still in this unhappy marriage, and just seeing my girlfriend when I can, is because of the kids involved. I so wish I could just start a new life with her, but it cant be right now and its a constant heartache and struggle.

    I don't regret my choice to have a family, I wanted my son very badly and love him more than anything. But I am very angry with myself for not acknowledging my true self when I was a teenager I could be living an authentic life right now. But then again, I know then I wouldn't have my son so it had to happen that way, but its still very painful and heartbreaking to go through everyday.
     
  9. CameronMR

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    I keep feeling like if I stay, work on myself before moving on I am actually delaying my true journey. The longer we stay friend- partners, the more of a crutch that friendship becomes too both of us. I have to constantly remind him that im not his girlfriend, and taking dirty, cuddling, offering oral sex, and so on, isn't part of the relationship anymore therefore isn't welcome. It makes him sad, and I feel something like guilt but I stand firm in my lesbian identity because there's no reverse gear in this car I'm taking my journey in.

    ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2015 at 11:21 PM ----------

    Also, (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #9 CameronMR, Oct 4, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2015
  10. TeaTree

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    I think I will search for a new therapist, I need to talk to someone before I screw up more years in my life by sticking myself into this mud of negative thinking. I deserve better :slight_smile:
    My only issue is that after my last therapist just plain told me she cannot help me and ditched me after two sessions, now I'm somewhat afraid that this would happen again. I don't want to feel anandoned again...
     
  11. CapColors

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    I'm so sorry your therapist sucked! There are better ones out there.
     
  12. CameOutSwinging

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    TeaTree, a lot of your story really resonates with me. I feel like I'm stuck in the same cycle with my partner as well. Questioning my sexuality was where it started in a lot of ways, but now we're in this place where we have good days that are really good and bad days that are absolutely awful. But we're a month away from our wedding and while I don't think either of us thinks that the marriage will be a fix at all, we're going through with it. I know to many it might sound so simple to just say call it off, walk away, etc, but for me right now, knowing that I'd hurt so many people by doing that and throw myself into the complete unknown - financially, emotionally, romantically - I just can't break the cycle. I wish I had gone through this questioning/realizing before we got this far.
     
  13. Moonflower

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    Tea Tree-I feel so much for you because I am experiencing a lot of the same emotions you are-nothing is more true to me right now than what you discussed as the "programming to stay safe." People who have that programming will instantly relate to those four words and the anger, upset and depression they cause. I've always equated acting on my own instincts, judgements and feelings as "rebellious" and "dangerous" instead of what it really is- autonomous. And then when you actually do hit a point of autonomy, you want to kick and punch everyone and everything, including yourself, that kept you from being autonomous in the past. I think that's why some people don't want to deal with it and die without having achieved true autonomy. The anger and the depression are so deep and so hard to deal with it can be overwhelming. Please know that it seems to be part of the process, so it should pass. At least I hope it does.
    However, I do concur with some others when I wonder if you would be better off figuring things out without the boyfriend? Maybe even the "I just need some time alone" thing can work for you.
     
  14. SnowshoeGeek

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    My own perspective on relationships has morphed over the years. I have good friendships with some exes, and unless I actively dislike a person, I don't ever consider a breakup to be the end of having a relationship with that person. But... I'm poly too... so it's not black and white. I guess what I am trying to say is, relationships change, whether the formal definition of them changes or not. It never gets easier to explain it to people... but keeping goodwill with someone I cared about in my life saves the horrible wrenching pain of having them out of my life completely. Even if we don't talk for months or years sometimes. I feel like life is too short to abandon anyone who has enriched it so much or to allow hurt and disappointment to win out over the kind feelings I will always have for them.
     
  15. baristajedi

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    Introspection is a good place to start in figuring out who you are, who you want to be with, how you want to express who you are and all the other choices that go with it.

    Take some time for you, to find clarity. Is there something holding you back from wanting to break up?

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Time and thinking and talking it out will give you perspective on what you want to do.