So today this one really got to my core.. When I'm home with no makeup and just casual tee on, I walk by the mirror and starting to literally freak out. I love to wear makeup and feminine stuff. But, in plain clothes with no makeup, hair back, I am staring to recognize more masculine features of mine - I look like I may be a lesbian. Please, please don't get offended as I am the one who is profiling myself. I stare into my own eyes and wonder what do others see of me? I wonder what I've missed all these years about myself? Everyone I know including my family, do they ever wonder even subconsciously, does anyone know what I don't know?? The woman I feel for, actually looks very similar to me, and I wonder if she noticed same thing. In any case, none of this can ever materialize into something real.. She is really lucky to be comfortable in her own skin, free to date if she pleases, free to speak up her mind.. I am on the other hand trapped, married, 'straight' and tearing up..
I think maybe you've you've got it a bit wrong. Lesbians don't look masculine. They look comfortable in their own skin. Like your friend. So maybe you're gradually developing some of that comfort and maybe one day you'll be so comfortable you'll be a able to untrap yourself and live any way you want. No matter how you look.
I hate reading that you feel trapped. Is there someone in your life you can talk to? Can you talk to your friend about what you are feeling?