I got asked a question by my psychologist the other day that had a fairly obvious answer to me but I thought I might ask other people because my own answer doesn't really feel satisfactory in hindsight. The question was: if you're married, does it matter if anyone knows you're bisexual or pansexual? Does it even matter that you are? I made some argument about my subconscious treatment of others and how it might be a part of my identity but... what would you guys say? Is it even important if I'm happily married?
Yes it matters. For me, it's about accepting who I am and being honest with my partner. I hid myself for far too many years.
I would think it wouldn't so long as you don't feel that keeping it hidden is holding you back in any way. If keeping it a secret means hiding certain parts of yourself or habits of yours or things you like and support then it could be causing a lot of undue stress that you may not even realize. And your wife knows, so I think that's the biggest thing. I think if you feel a person needs to know in order for you to be authentic and real with them when it comes to personal things then you should tell them. Other than that, I guess it's more of a personal thing and if you don't want to share it, you shouldn't. I think it's often thought of as more important when you're not married so that you don't have to hide your attractions and crushes and you can date who you want. It really depends on you. But this is all just my opinion of course.
It doesn't matter I think as long as your spouse knows about it, & isn't in the dark about it ..but other than that, no ..it shouldn't be anyone else's business but you & your significant other. Unless I'm missing something.
Coming out to my husband actually helped us grow closer together. I am extremely glad that I told him the truth after 4 years of marriage. It helped us to trust each other more... just being completely honest about that opened doors that we didn't even know were closed between us.
Agreed with others about the honesty thing. Also, my partner and I are both bisexual, and it makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with cravings for the opposite sex that we can actually talk about it. But also, damn it, your psychologist just assumed there that because you are married, then you are automatically monogamous...and will continue to be so for the duration of the marriage. I'd say that is an increasingly outdated and judgmental assumption to simply thrust upon a person (regardless of whether it is true).
It didn't matter to me, as far as people other than my spouse. It matters a lot now that he has come out and we have separated, because I need to be comfortable with myself and people around me if I end up pursuing relationships outside of the heterosexual "norm". To me, it was about being honest with the person to whom it mattered. It now matters to more people, so I'm opening the door more.
I also find your therapist's question a bit on the out-of-touch side. Honestly it sounds a little like saying "no need to come out". That's ok for someone to choose on their own, but it has to be your own decision
I think that being in this position gives you the power to choose. For me, I will likely not come out officially to my family or work colleagues, but I will come out to the people closest to me (friends and husband). I don't care if my family or coworkers knows that aspect of my sexuality, just like I don't care if they know that I've only slept with X many people or like mpreg or whatnot. I won't lie, but I won't throw myself a party.
Yikes, I think that's a pretty shitty thing for a therapist to ask. I'd certainly never ask it. Does this therapist have experience with LGBT issues? If not, you may need a different therapist. The issue here isn't about your current marriage. It's about you and your self-exploration. Understanding yourself is pretty important whether you are singled or partnered, and additionally, it isn't uncommon for people to initially identify as bi or pansexual as they are getting in touch with same-sex attractions... and later realize that they are less bi- or pan- than they thought, and closer to gay. So discussing these things is really important to understand where you stand, what it means within the context of your current relationship, and what you may want to do moving forward into the future.
ETA that I agree the posters here that a therapist with experience with LGBT issues might be most helpful, regardless of how you choose to play this particular card.
I'm really glad that I asked this, actually. Thank you, everyone, for expressing your anger or neutrality or whatever opinions you had on this. I think in fairness some context might be called for. I'm active duty military. So, no, he isn't highly likely to have much experience with lgbt patients. Also, his question was posed right after I had discussed my worries that I might be made fun of or ostracized at work for being bi, and that I was a little on the fence about whether or not I would like to come out. Some people knew but I was worried about gossip. I don't know if he was totally judging my monogamy or not and honestly, for what it is worth it was a question I think I needed to ask myself. And the answer is yes! To me I think it matters. I don't want my smallminded coworkers gay-bashing and I want to feel like their brother (or sister, rather) and I can't be that without being honest to those who have kinda become my closest friends. So. It was probably an unwarranted question, but.
It's not just about honesty for yourself and your mate, but it helps in other ways too. "Hey, this is what I like". Same with sex. However where it doesn't matter is that it ends at "I like..." Anything after that is.....sorry I am monogamous, etc.
If it matters to you then it matters. I've gone over this with my therapist. I think it is a question meant to challenge you a bit. Make you think a bit more critically about it. A therapist who just pats you on the back and listens to you is a mediocre therapist at best. As long as they aren't judging you then I think these types of questions are appropriate.
I'm a pansexual lady happily married to a trans lesbian. This is a question I've also asked myself. I think it does still matter. It matters for me and my partner, of course, because we're both poly, but beyond that, my sexuality influences who I spend time with socially, and how I view world issues.
