My Story.

Hey there Quinn,

I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about - my story definitely has some similarities. Like you I also knew I was gay for quite a while, but also tended to ignore or avoid dealing with the topic - however as time went by it became something that ended up consuming my every waking thought. And like you my response was also to push people away, to kind of isolate myself from everyone else around me. This was really quite a bad time for me.

I have since tried to take some positive steps - I also ended up coming out to people, somewhat out of necessity, as I knew that I just could not continue like I was, holding everything inside of me - it was too unhealthy! It definitely did help talking about it with people.

Things that I have found that have helped me, are that I have tried to open up to people about my sexuality - I still do find it rather hard, but when I talk to friends about it, it feels as though I am taking a weight off my mind by allowing myself to be me, and be more genuine. I also have tried to keep in touch with people, even when it is difficult or I don't feel too much like it. However, I do realise that it can be hard to meet new people - I also burnt some bridges during my isolation period, and also found myself to be quite lonely when I came out of it.

Finally, two things that I found helped me a lot were firstly counselling - I went and saw a counsellor regularly for a few months, just to discuss all of my issues in a non judgemental and non confrontational situation, and I have to say that being able to openly discuss these problems really did help me. The second thing that I find helps is exercise - I find that it really clears the mind and also creates a sense of achievement. I try to go to the gym about 4-5 times a week and it really does help. So I would recommend these things.

Hope this helps a little

 

Thanks for sharing your story Quinn. I can relate to quite a bit of it.

I was 'in denial' for a very long time. I grew up in an environment in which being gay was socially and morally unacceptable. While I am now quite comfortable with being gay, I still feel sometimes that it is less than ideal. And I tend to be someone who strives for ideals.

The idea of therapy is a good one. A therapist could help you see new ways of looking at things, and help you change your thinking. Be could also help you take the steps you need to take, but are quite difficult. Because in the final analysis, you just have to get out there, meet new people, try to be confident, and so on. But to do that, you have to risk rejection. You need to learn (and so do I, and it is difficult) that rejection is not the end of the world, and risk is worth taking.

Best of luck. I am sure you will find this a supportive place.

 

Thanks for sharing your story Quinn. I can relate to quite a bit of it.

I was 'in denial' for a very long time. I grew up in an environment in which being gay was socially and morally unacceptable. While I am now quite comfortable with being gay, I still feel sometimes that it is less than ideal. And I tend to be someone who strives for ideals.

The idea of therapy is a good one. A therapist could help you see new ways of looking at things, and help you change your thinking. Be could also help you take the steps you need to take, but are quite difficult. Because in the final analysis, you just have to get out there, meet new people, try to be confident, and so on. But to do that, you have to risk rejection. You need to learn (and so do I, and it is difficult) that rejection is not the end of the world, and risk is worth taking.

Best of luck. I am sure you will find this a supportive place.

 

Welcome to EC Quinn12801 :welcome:

I was also in denial and posted about it in a different thread earlier today - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2814192-post3.html

You may want to try and meet some gay friends through LGBT meetups or other support groups. Gay friends can be a great source of support with the added benefit that you can talk openly about your sexuality with them.

 

HI and welcome to EC

I think many on this site will have taken the same path as you.

The issue that jumps out to me is whether you can chart a new course by yourself or whether you need some therapeutic help from a professional. After time, all that isolation and social anxiety can be quite disabling and difficult to fight single handedly.

Maybe you should read up on it. Especially as there is a clear link to depressive thoughts and low mood.

CBT is one type of therapy that makes you confront these thought processes when you have slipped in to bad habits and certain ways of thinking.

Do you have any interests where you could join a group?

The other things to consider are physical activity, fitness, eating habits and getting good quality sleep

 

Quinn, welcome to EC!

Let me comment on your concerns regarding friends and focus on that part of your thread.

By expressing your concerns you have put it at the forefront of focusing on solving the problem. That's a huge part of the process! The next step is to do something about it.

I am not familiar with Glens Falls, so I can not speak specifically to what might be available in your area, so I will make a few general suggestions. With these suggestions, I can say I have explored most of them myself. And while I prepared a critical path to follow, I actually found that the social relationships I have made since coming out actually came from unexpected places. So, while being proactive gets you going, being open to building relationships might lead to a few surprises. Play the numbers, get out there and keep an open mind. With that, I would suggest looking in your area at:

1. LGBT philanthropies, charities and volunteer groups. These organizations all typically have an open door policy and can lead to building new relationships as you get involved;
2. As someone else suggested, try a Meetup group. I have not had personal success with this myself, as I am in London and there are actually just too many here to try and pick from. And as a result, no one meetup seemed to be well attended (or I definitely went to the wrong ones)
3. LGBT Sport leagues. Do an intenet search for your area and see what's available. Try and stick with an activity that you like - even in London there are LGBT country walk groups that were well attended
4. Social Apps: aside from dates and hookups, these apps, if used properly, can help lead to new friendships. I have made friends on the apps without any notion of romance or sex. That's said, results in your area might be different.
5. Professional relationships evolving to social relationships. Once I came out professionally, I found so many other LGBT folks similarly situated as myself. A few after work drinks, and relationships progressed.
6. Networking amongst people you know, once I came out, others were happy to introduce me to friends and acquaintances that were also LGBT.
7. Bars - I do believe bars can be a place to meet people and bios friendships, again, not just for trying to find a boyfriend or crushing to hook up. People go to bars to be social. It's OK to go alone and start chatting with others. That guy sitting on the stool is there for the same reason you are, to be social.
8. Simply engaging with others in your daily life! Have you been in a store and sensed the salesperson was LGBT? If so, start a conversation beyond asking about the products at hand. You will be amazed at how open salespeople are, and you might actually click with some leading to friendships or more.

This is just a few suggestions. I can go on and on. All of this is predicated on your getting comfortable with yourself. But I will say thoughts on that for another post.

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2015 at 05:37 PM ----------

When I came out, I wish I had a guide. Your question -

is such a profound one, and one which is probably different for each person.

For me, I had no idea what to expect. I did not work with a therapist (which in hindsight was probably a mistake and could have helped greatly), I figured things out as I went along. The best way to describe it as like being a toddler and learning how to walk; and it takes time, a lot of time.

I am three years into my coming out and even now I continue to learn about myself, and the broader LGBT community. From what it meant to me to be gay; how Being gay impacts my family life; my professional life; how I fit into the LGBT community (if I fit in at all); understand the emotional walls I built while in the closet and establishing a path to knock down the walls; accepting myself for being gay; accepting others for being gay; eliminating internalized homophobia; managing the relationship with my ex wife and my children; forgiving myself for the lies; forgiving others for causing me to go in the closet; building self esteem and self confidence; exploring my sexuality physically; and identifying what I truly like and dislike in relation to everything from clothes, shoes to romantic interests and sexual interests. The list goes on and on.

As the saying goes, "Rome was not built in a day", and neither is the coming out journey. Allow yourself the time necessary and have patience. There are highs and lows doe sure, but the highs definitely outside the lows from my perspective. Keep your ad forward and push yourself, finding yourself is the biggest reward of them all!

 

Quinn, your story very much mimics my own. About 3-4 years ago I went through a bad depression when I finally realized I was gay, but was absolutely paralyzed by it. Like you, it caused me to lose my job because I ended up not being able to focus, gained a bunch of weight, and found it hard to leave the house. It became the only thing on my mind for probably 6 months. I had dated girls. I'm hardly a stereotypical gay guy, from my mannerisms to personal taste, to personality. How could I possibly be into guys?

I became withdrawn and for about a year just continued to push people away. I just wanted to stay inside and pout. I didn't really connect with anyone outside of some obligations I decided to meet, and the odd friend I would hangout with. My conversations became rather banal. I stopped connecting with my friends, and they saw it too and began to want to see me less as a result. It's a cycle of depression: the more depress I came, the people who could help me wanted to help me less.

It wasn't a until a chance meeting with an old highschool friend (who I had suspected was gay back then, and turns out he is). After many late night chats, he eventually confided in me he was gay, and I told him I thought I was too. Hearing from someone else who had/has been there say "It's okay to be gay" quite literally changed my life.

That was a few years ago. It took me another year to get the nerve to actually come out to my family and close friends. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do. And as anyone on this site can attest, is such an emotionally draining (yet typically VERY rewarding conversation).

To answer a few of your questions:
- What was your life like after coming out? My coming out was met with nearly 100% support, it's been wonderful. After years of feeling trapped, I'm finally feel free.

- Do you have rough days? Oh my god yes, absolutely. I still feel rough on certain days. Clearly that major hurdle of coming out helped, but I'm by no means completely in the clear.

- Does anybody else have social anxiety, or advice on how to work through it? I probably have it to some degree. I'm not the kind of guy to go to a club/bar and come home with 10 new friends at the end of the night. That just isn't me. I like my comfort zone. How to work through it? Start looking for ways to interact. Do you have a university with a GSA or a P-flag chapter? There are all-kinds of meet up and support groups out there. Not just for gay people, but just to meet people in general. Another idea is to join a dating site, and see if you get anyone interested. By going on dates and meeting people for coffee, even if we didn't wind up as lovers, a lot of the time we wound up as friends.

By the way, a work of fiction I'm presently reading you might get A LOT out of is called Tales From Foster High by John Goode. It features a kid struggling with his sexuality who is incredibly withdrawn. I can't help but be engrossed by the similarities between the character and myself in highschool.

 

You're in good company here. Being in the closet was one of many causes of the general mess in my life that I'm still climbing out of. Baby steps are the idea, because when taken consistently, over a year or two, they really add up. For example, on Sunday I'm going to a Coming Out Day event on my own and there is NO WAY that one year ago I could ever have imagined myself doing such a thing. In fact, last year I was asked if I wanted to go by a woman who was in one of my classes at school. I immediately dismissed the idea because "I had work to do." Nice how you can always hide behind that in college, right? Hell I was so in the closet at this time last year I never even thought of the significance until this very minute writing about this-as this woman asking me if I wanted to go, or at least feeling comfortable enough with me to tell me she was going. I remember thinking about her and going all day as I worked on my schoolwork for the rest of that day. Anyway, I think what's changed about me is that after all of my work with putting myself out there, I've actually changed changed my expectation of how I will be treated by others. I expect when I get to the event I will have a good time and return happy i went, whereas at other times in my life, I imagined that would not be the case. So try to imagine interaction going well instead of poorly. That did not happen overnight-it is the result of a lot of trying to interact with others enough so that I get a significant number of positive interactions. I'm also not going to aimlessly wander, I'm going to photograph and talk to people-something I could never even imagine doing just one year ago. Hard work will yield results, gradually. It may comfort you to know that it isn't some "big change" that will happen, it's gradual, and it can still happen even when you're feeling down a lot, too. I still have at least one really bad day a week emotionally, yet I'm still moving forward.

 

Welcome Quinn! Great people here. :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg

I actually wanted to say I relate to the being alone bit. My story is different in that I am female and I had many relationships with men, most of which involved my financial dependence so I "couldn't" leave... but, after finally living alone for several years, I did decide that I needed to be more comfortable by myself and I spent some time reading books on solitude and journaling extensively. I even took a vacation alone, and discovered that where I wanted to go was as far from human contact as possible.

I am sure some of my desire to be alone comes from years of being shamed and rejected by others for various reasons. But I liked being alone as a child, and it comes naturally to me. I don't know if you like being alone or not, but I wanted to share the perspective that it is ok to want to be alone. Maybe one of the final hurdles of shame I have had to get over. "YMMV" of course.

Again, welcome!!! (&&&)

 

Welcome! Upthread posters have been giving you great advice.

Therapy is expensive but may be useful.

However, in your case joining an LGBT hobby or professional group may be what you need to meet a few more close friends that are also LGBT. It's not a problem to have a small tight group of friends, but if NONE are LGBT you will find it hard, I'd think.

 

Ditto capcolors. Welcome to the group.

 

Joining this website was the best thing for me, I guess I don't have so much of the shyness issues that you have, I probably had that when I was younger for other reasons but I sort of grew out of that when I reached my 20s when most of us aren't that different.
Like you though, I started feeling concern about being gay part and it consumes more and more of your life almost like until the pressure builds up and things burst.

Therapy may help, and a gay friend suggested just start joining as many different apps and websites as possible and then just go out an meet people, it might only be for dinner but its a start and gets rid of some of those nerves.

I had heard of meetup but never took a look, and only just recently going to a local meet-up gay group, a guy who I had been chatting to on a certain popular app mentioned it too me and was happy to take me along to one, like any group some you will fit right in others you won't.

Welcome to EC its a great resource. (!)

Oh and you don't have to tell anyone you are gay; certain important friends you might tell and others don't mention it at all; some friends will pick up on it and some won't, went along to an event last weekend with a gay friend of mine and I think one or two people may have suspect that we were a bit more than just acquaintances but others will pick up on it faster so you don't have to announce anything.

 

There are a number of threads on this---try doing a few searches on the site; maybe they will give you some ideas.

If you're willing to drive, your nearest big city will have something. It may even be easier to attend a group in a city not quite your own, at first. It gives you the ability to bail (if it goes poorly) or to extend your circle of friends to people you wouldn't have met otherwise (if it goes well).