Hi, So I'm 32 and really going through the process of accepting that I am gay. It has been something that has been always there. When I was I was a probably 12 or 13 I think I realised that I might be gay but about the same time, or probably earlier, came to realise that this was, according to everyone, the worst possible thing a person could be. So I decided that no I wasn't. After a while I guess I really just came to believe it. Denial of the highest order. So about seven years ago after another anxiety filled relationship I sort of began to think shit I might actually be gay and went into serious/suicidal depression. I went to a therapist and managed to get back to feeling good and in my mind not gay again. This was a sort of biannual event since then until last year I sort of said I cant keep doing this and since then I have pretty much personally accepted it. I joined this and I went to a support group meeting. I also told my best friend that I thought I was gay. So to some degree I have basically been lying to everyone in my life for the last two decades. It wasn't to deceive and it was because, and I still am, terrified but I still feel like this is my fault. I'm not on here or writing this for you to tell me its not but I am hoping that there is someone here who has felt as bad as me and came through it. I used to be depressed most of the time and acted like I wasn't and now that has changed to anger. I feel angry with everyone and everything, including me. So this is all going on and I still am very uncomfortable with the fact I am gay. You know years of internalised homophobia and the outside stuff. I feel like I have done nothing else. the main focus of my life up to this point was unconsciously and consciously trying not to be gay and now it is entirely about accepting it. Anyway, my behaviour is and has been insulting to gay people but I just hoped that someone at one point felt the same and came out the other side. Carruthers
Right there with you. I was "lying" to myself and everyone else for about as long as you. I say "lying" because at no point was this deliberate; it was the best I could do when everyone around said that being gay would make anyone the scum of the earth. It was a way to help avoid ostracism and condemnation. I also have felt like I've done not much else besides try to fight and deny my same-sex feelings. It wasn't much fun being in university and having 90% of my time and brain power dedicated to physically and mentally fighting myself. Now that I've come out to a few people, I do feel like I'm coming out the other side. I'm trying to do things that I've always wanted to do, without fear of being seen as "gay." I hope that my progress can continue. Good luck
Many of us in LGBT Later in Life have gone through what you are experiencing. We grew up during an era when parents, religion, and society taught us that it’s not OK to be gay. They used words like faggot and homosexual to shame us into compliance. I accepted the anti-gay scripts from parents, religion, and society. I didn’t want to be gay. I did everything I could to be straight and live a normal life. I convinced myself that since I liked some girls that my attraction to guys was not real. I got married and lived a straight lifestyle until a depressive episode caused me to pause and take stock. Why did I feel a sense of deep longing when I saw a cute guy? This started the process of coming out to myself and then others. Fast forward to 2015. We know that people are born gay and that in more and more places around the globe gays are accepted and can even get married and be parents. Each of us has their own timeline for finding authenticity. I don’t worry that people will judge me for lying. Denial can be a very powerful adversary, especially when it conspires with societal expectations. Other gay people are your allies and will help you get to the other side (&&&)
I've been thru the depression, guilt, shame, self-harm......everything all my life trying to do as I felt I was supposed to. Eventually I think you just hit the point where its not worth holding it in anymore. Who do we really need to justify ourselves to?
You know the saying "The Grass is Greener on the Other Side", well in the case of my coming out, it happens to be true! After you built this massive barrier over the years, and struggling to get to the other side of self acceptance and elimination of internalized homophobia, the grass really is greener. As others have said, we all hilt our walls for many reasons, and being dishonest with oneself certainly has had a price on each of us. But rather than dwell on what was, it's time to focus on what can be. Time to be yourself!
I don't have any advice from the other side, but I do sympathize with what you feel. It's difficult to admit to yourself that you've been lying, and that maybe some of the people closest to you played a large role in making you feel like you've been lying. It's good to come to places like this and hear from other people who've been through the same thing, but it's still hard to see your own way through sometimes.
Same here bro ! I am 32 too and I just came out to my self some months ago. I knew I was gay since 14 or 15 but as you in my mind I thought was just a phase but it wasn't. So I just start to accept myself and I am a little bit happier now, I still have some depression and my feelings are like a rollercoaster, bad days and good days, but it is ok. I came out to two friends one gay and other straight, because I knew they would accept me, I felt better after I came out. I didn't have the guts to come out to my best friend but I am planning to do I was fed up of imagine having sex with a guy and always looking guys on the beach, and saying to my self you are not gay.. so come on I was just fooling myself. Now I just accept who I am and that guilty of being gay, I don't care anymore. Sure somedays I am happier and somedays not but.. show must go on! Just relax and now accept who you are, believe me you will get better as the days go by.
I feel a lot of the same emotions, and really, I don't know how I'm going to feel on any given day-depression has given way to anger a lot---anger where I want to kick or punch something---and you know what, though, anger is action. Anger is good in that it can be channeled into something. I'm sure this gets better at some point. Hang in there and know you're in a good place here.
38, but there myself. So.... (*hug*) Take a deep breath (or ten). Look in the bathroom mirror. Think at the thousands (or tens of thousands) of people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. This (your life) is not immeasurable. It is not insurmountable. Few things are. The human animal (who you are) is most adaptive creature on earth. You will survive this (even though it doesn't feel that way) and be better for it (even if that doesn't seem possible). Forget "gay culture" forget "straight culture" forget women -- forget your mother. Forget you father. Forget that "friend" who tossed around the word f-g. Forget everyone. You have the right to you. I'm dealing with that myself ATM. And it is hard. but. Srs. You have the right to you. Men aren't taught this at all. We're taught that anything approaching self care = narcissism. That self love is a crime. You have the right to you. You'll make it. You have to. What choice is there, friend? (*hug*) PC
My heart goes out to you and I seriously empathize. My emotions have been all over the place since I joined this site and it feels like the cat is out of the bag forever. I had many periods of outright homophobia when I was trying to stuff my attraction to women back into forgotten memories. I felt better the more I got away from people who were homophobic (including getting a divorce and moving 2400 miles away from my conservative hometown.) I felt better whenever I told the truth to someone. I do not regret any of the steps I took to stop hiding myself. (*hug*)
Coming Out was one of the most nerve wracking things I've ever done in my 51 years. All my life I lived a lie, to others and most importantly to myself. I always put the face on everything is great. Then I'd have my moments when I would be the most miserable asshole in the world. Since I've Come Out people have remarked how much more at ease I am. I have an inner understanding of myself. People have been great. I have a different view of life now. Coming Out is not the end of the world, its the start of a new one.
