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Introducing parents to first same-sex SO

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mapleluv, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. mapleluv

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    I'm freaking out a little bit & needing some support here.

    Basically, one of my best friends who I've been super close with since we were little girls is getting married this next weekend. So obviously I'm going to the wedding. And of course I'm bringing my girlfriend with because, well, she's my girlfriend, I want her there & so do my friends.

    Buuuut then my parents will also be at the wedding. Who haven't yet met my girlfriend. Who've never actually seen me with a woman before. I'm super worried about how they'll react/feel. Because frankly, people will stare & people will talk; my mixed-race same-sex relationship attracts a lot of attention in this land of the southern Stepford wives. I don't mind it myself, but I'm worried that my parents will feel embarrassed by me. The idea of my parents potentially being ashamed of me breaks my heart. I love them & want them to be proud of me.

    Does anybody have any suggestions/advice to make myself or my parents more comfortable with the whole thing?
     
  2. Distant Echo

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    Let them meet her before the wedding. Don't let them be blindsided in front of everyone.
     
  3. CapColors

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    This ^^^. A LEAST a Skype chat or a coffee date if you can squeeze it in before the wedding events (I'm assuming this is out of town).

    Honestly I'm a little surprised this needs to be said. You...must not be very close to your parents? Are we missing something from what you said?
     
    #3 CapColors, Oct 5, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2015
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Take your parents out for a meal and introduce her before the event :slight_smile:
     
  5. Zen fix

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    Introducing them before the wedding is definitely a good idea. I hope you let the bride know as well. If they are close and gay friendly they may be able to set limits with the more homophobic guests.
     
  6. Moonflower

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    I'm a little confused. Are you not out to your parents at all (as in they have no idea you are a lesbian) or are you just worried about them actually seeing you with a same sex partner for the first time? If you are not out it is imperative that you come out and introduce the girlfriend before the wedding- as in you need to do this ASAP. However, if you're worried about how your parents who KNOW you are a lesbian are going to react to you actually bringing a same sex partner to a public event, I could see how that would be a bit of cause for concern for the first time, if those at the event are going to be the conservative types. I would suggest having them meet the woman first, so that they're comfortable with her, at least. I guess all I can say is other than introducing her and hoping they like each other, there's nothing else you can do. You can't do much over whether your parents are embarrassed. That's on them to deal with, not you. That's what you have to remember. Hopefully, what they they think of you and how they love you means far more than the gossip of others.
     
  7. mapleluv

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    The problem is my parents don't want to meet her. Like I brought up the idea of us all getting together beforehand for dinner or coffee & they were just like, "ehhh no".

    My parents are totally accepting of my sexuality, just kinda asocial. In their minds, if I haven't been dating someone for over a year it's not worth the emotional energy of getting to know her. (They're not exactly social butterflies.) It's nothing to do with me being gay- it was the same way when I dated men- they just "don't want to get their hearts broken again"; they were far more in love with my ex-fiance than I was, ha.

    I just feel like it's going to be so awkward if they don't meet beforehand! I'm going to try to sneak in at least an introduction beforehand somehow.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    You tried to make it easier for them and that's as much as you can do. If you can manage to sneak in a quick meeting beforehand it will be better, but if it doesn't happen don't beat yourself up about it. You gave them the option. Hope it does go okay. :slight_smile:
     
  9. CapColors

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    Yeah, don't take their emotions on yourself if they are unwilling to meet her.

    But maybe be more direct: I want you to meet her so you understand how it's going to be to see me in a lesbian relationship. You may have feelings you do not anticipate and I don't want them to happen to you in a public setting for the first time, as it isn't fair to all of us.

    That should get their attention.
     
  10. Filip

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    Could you "sneak in" a meeting?

    That's essentially how I got my mom to meet my boyfriend. Even after a few years of me being out, she was very apprehensive about meeting him, and would avoid any overture of a real "let's sit down and get to meet each other" scenario.

    So... one day, when it worked out, I literally just announced: "Oh, J and I are planning on checking out that sushi place near you. We have plans in the area the next day anyway. We'll swing by on our way over there".

    Worked short and sweet. We went in as if she had known the guy for years, shook hands, exchanged some pleasantries, went on our merry way. And it worked pretty well. No real lasting awkwardness. In fact, ever since, she's asking if he'll come over again sometimes.


    So hence my suggestion: don't make it a big meeting. Just set up a short run-in. Even if you need to engineer a proper "coincidence".