1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Finding excuses

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by alittlesun, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. alittlesun

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I know I need to be patient with myself, but it's a little frustrating to think that I haven't made much progress in a month. I could say that I'm getting more and more comfortable accepting how I really feel, and maybe I have, but I also have so little time to even think about it. My current job features a beautiful four hour round trip commute, I'm trying to squeeze in some professional development training, I may have a new job lined up which has created a whole new set of tasks that I've had to complete (plus the stress of putting in my notice and worrying that all the paperwork and procedures will be complete by my projected start date), trying to look for a new place, and of course general chores like cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, paying attention to the world's neediest cat. It all leaves me with so little time and energy to think about anything else, but I know that's really just an excuse. I was thinking about it before, wasn't I? But then, once I admitted it to myself, I found myself feeling very uncomfortable and confused in a lot of situations. For example, I have a general policy of not talking about my personal life at work. I've never socialized with my coworkers outside of work, and I've never explicitly discussed my personal life. I can explain part of this as not wanting to have to decide if I like my coworkers as people, as friends, because if it turned out that I didn't, I'd still have to work with them. The truth, of course, is more complicated than that. I'm cagey about my personal life in general, even with my friends as much as I can, because I've been hiding who I am and what I really want. So at work, when I noticed people assuming and behaving as if I'm straight, it started to bother me. But then I'd think about the reality of telling them, how that would sound, how they would react. I know how bi women are perceived, and the idea of being sexualized like that in the minds of my coworkers doesn't appeal to me. Add to that the fact that I moved here a year ago and haven't had time to make new friends or build a social life, and that it is hard to make new friends post-college, and I have another excuse. I feel like it would be easier to come out to new friends: they wouldn't have to change the way they think of me, they would always know me as who I really am. I've had fond dreams of easing into coming out that way, building my confidence in myself and creating a new life. But that's a fantasy that may or may not be realistic, which doesn't stop me from hanging on to it.

    And then, my family. I'm not very close to my sister these days and confiding in her is not an option. I don't think she'd be judgmental at all, but she is not, well, let's just say that her support or lack of it wouldn't mean much to me and I wouldn't put it past her to use this confidence against me in the future. I love my mother dearly, but, as much as it pains me to admit this, she's the primary reason I denied my sexuality for so long and am in this situation. Although she was generally supportive of gay men, she has always characterized lesbians as "sick", "weird", "demented", etc. She believes that lesbians are, in a way, traitors, that they invade female spaces which are supposed to be non-sexualized with their deviant desires, that they all want to pressure all other women into having sex with them. And etc., a lot of homophobic stuff that I'm sure most of us are all too familiar with. Bisexuals, according to her, were just sluts and not to be trusted. I might hold onto the hope that she'd feel different if one of her own children wasn't straight, but then again when I was a teenager she told me, frankly, without preamble, that if either of us turned out to be lesbians she'd disown us and she'd be right to do so because it's unnatural to be homosexual. Of course it upset me, and I told her that was a horrible thing to say, but she held her ground with a smug self-righteousness that I remember to this day. I don't see her taking it very well, and I feel like I should have the courage to be open anyway, to say that she'll either accept me or she won't. But she's my mom, she's pretty much the only family I have. I can't just walk away from that. I keep thinking if I can ease her into it, maybe if one day I have a girlfriend the truth will be an obvious thing we never have to discuss or even explicitly mention. But then again what kind of life is that? Is that even realistic? And what kind of life is that to expect someone else to agree to?

    Which leads me back to wondering if it's even worth it, if it matters. Aren't I likely to remain single anyway? What difference will it make if I tell anyone? I've been pretty good at not thinking about it for this long, what's another couple of decades?

    I kind of hate to post this, since I don't want to come off as self-defeating and negative (and I barely seem to have time to spend socializing even online). But, I've already spent the time typing it and maybe it'll help me sort this out.
     
  2. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    ...There's a lot here! First of all, welcome.

    It sounds a bit like you are in a space in your life where you can go anywhere from here. Because you don't have a large circle of friends, that means you can make new friends that match your chosen identity. And that identity could be bi if you want it to be.

    Perhaps don't worry about what your homophobic mother thinks right now? Find a group of friends that support you for who you are, and then see if her opinion matters quite so much.

    And don't worry about not socializing with your coworkers if you really don't want to.

    But you DO have to find someone to be yourself with, be it a friend, a sig O, or maybe a select few coworkers in another department who aren't directly related to your day to day work.

    I understand that time is short for you right now. Consider doing whatever you can to lessen that crazy commute so you can get some me-time in your life back.