When I first moved out of the family home, while it was extremely emotional, the relationship was amicable and done with as much consideration as possible between us. At that time, we made commitments to one another to maintain a close relationship, be parents together for our kids, remain friends. Several years on now, and while things remain amicable and cooperative, we no longer spend time together, we rarely talk only sending the occasional text or email pertaining to the kids or finances, we each have our own individual relationships with our children, and we are leading our own lives independent of one another. I am remorseful that we have not maintained a close relationship with one another, that we truly have gone our separate ways. In many ways, I want to try and pull back together an ongoing relationship/friendship. Rationally, however, I realize the deck is stacked against us to achieve any real depth from an ongoing relationship. As part of my own decision process, I did contemplate the ramifications on what our relationship would look like and recognized the real risk that any ongoing relationship would be limited as time went by. So I did go into this with my eye wide open. I am happy that my ex is getting on with her life and seems to be adjusting well as an independent woman. Part of me thinks, for her own personal development and growth as a person, it was in her best interest that we separate; whether it be because I was gay or for any other reason for that matter. Maybe at the moment I am being nostalgic. Surely I feel some sense of regret. But in the end, I still remain exceptionally confident with the decisions that I have made. Given the success I feel I have achieved personally, the benefits of coming out have significantly outweighed the ongoing regrets.
Good morning OTH, I appreciate you sharing your ongoing experience with your separation. I can only hope to be able to have a similar experience in the future even with regrets.
It may seem counterintuitive, but in any separation or divorce, indifference is the ultimate goal. Yes, it's ok to feel nostalgic for your time together, and maintaining a friendship seems to be an admirable goal, but people have just so much energy, they need to focus on the present. Both you and your ex have, in fact, successfully moved on, any lingering anger seems to have diminished and you are both taking your co-parenting responsibilities seriously. Count your blessings. This is not the case in all breakups, where years of acrimony lie ahead for some...
I wanted things to be peaceful between my ex and I but realize more and more that it just doesn't seem possible. Too many scars from everything to ever see eye to eye. Couldn't see things that way before, I should've known not to expect it now. Of course, with having kids, the only thing that truly matters is that they are OK in all of this.
Maybe my success had been the emotional disconnect and wall I built for myself while married. We only saw eye to eye on very limited occasions, but I chose to cede to her views for the most part (she might debate that for sure). Not necessarily the healthiest of environments for me, but it was how I chose to manage myself while closeted. By doing so, I think I limited the scars for the both of us.
Yeah my ex seems to make things out as being rosier than they actually were. We didn't talk and I spent most of my time (when not working) just hanging with my daughters in another room. 4 months and she is still going thru the gamut of emotions. Telling me the other day how she wants to fix things and how much she loves me, to calling me a "faggoty piece of sh*t" when she got pissed about something later. I give up on the idea of being friends. All I want is for my girls to be happy.
Sounds like early days for you.... At least your daughters were in the other room with you Mine were suffocated by their mother.
She wants to keep them from me. Rt now the girls spend half the week with me, other half with her. I get accused of being so unfair, yet her idea of fair is them living with her and "visiting" me. Over my dead body would that happen. The girls are happier with me, admittedly probably because I never ask them to do much of anything. I have always been lax with discipline, trying instead to speak rationally with them. Don't seem like that always works too well either.
Not sure how old they are; but mine are older teenagers. They make their own decisions at this point, but their decisions are based on the foundation embedded in them from their mother. There is no basis for custody in the UK (one is of legal age in any event and the other is just a year or so off of that). So, I see them when it suits them, which is for a meal once every few weeks at best. I tried to fight it and push for more time with them, but it was an uphill battle. Their mother knew she could simply stay out of it and the kids would choose time with her over time with me (or time with their friends, school, etc). Its amazing. I provided for my kids, gave them security, a foundation in life that other kids would dream of. But because I worked long hours, was emotionally removed, with the result that we never bonded in the same way they did with their mom, I am left playing second fiddle. Again, it was a situation that I contemplated when I made the decisions I made. And so long as they are well cared for, they are happy and healthy, then I did my job; and I will take whatever time they give me. On the plus side, I do get to miss out on the bickering and fighting that teenage girls throw at their mother
this is what i see ahead, unfortunatly. its been over 2 years and she still blames me for everything in her life, all the bad, etc. and she totally complains to our son about what a bad person i am, etc. i can't wait till the divorce, and the kid's grad from high school. then we will be able to have nothing to do with each other. Indifference is indeed my goal.
My kids are 10, 12 and 15. The oldest is her niece we have raised since 6 months old. I have no rights at all tho and it sucks cuz she would def rather live with me full time. I'm working 68 hours, 7 days a week just trying to keep bills paid now. Thousands in debt, trying to eat better and exercise and just be healthier so that I can build up confidence for when I actually get up the courage to try and meet anyone. So much pressure, but as hard as everything is, I still don't regret, for one second, the relationship ending and finally getting to just be out. I have no friends and nobody really knows, but I know and that is a big thing.
Unfortunately, no, However, I have absolute control over how I react to her insanity, if indifference doesn't work, stoicism works wonders, LOL!
My relationship with my ex is still evolving, and I don't know what the final stage is going to be. Actually, as I've said before, it's more like it's morphing, like the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2 when it hits the molten metal and starts desperately changing into caricatures of different people it had mimicked throughout the movie, before melting away. She and I had been friends before we married (really, I functioned more like a gay best friend even then). We talked and enjoyed each others' company, plus there was the risk factor of her being in the death throes of an abusive short marriage that made everything even more exciting--and to be honest, probably amplified the emotions and attraction for me, because I really hadn't had any genuine strong attractions for any women before that, and feeling what I did for her served as a welcome confirmation that maybe I really WAS straight after all. I had a lot of hopes after I came out to her that in the end we could go back to that same sort of friendship. I'm less convinced of that now. I moved out a few weeks ago but still am at the house several days a week for a few hours on end, and she is always tense and seems to go out of her way to try and make me feel guilty about something. Last night the complaint was having to pick our youngest up from gymnastics and religious ed multiple nights a week when she'd rather "just get into my jammies and relax". The pickups are never any later than 8:30 and I found the whole conversation very amusing, because when I was living there, I got up earlier than her, worked a longer day, but came home and generally made supper, did the dishes, did the late pickups and also managed to get in a 3-mile walk, usually going to bed at least an hour after she did. So the whole guilt thing is falling on deaf ears. My oldest has also mentioned that she behaves very differently when I'm there, and knowing the drill, she's trying new and exciting ways to get me to comply with her and getting more and more frustrated because none of the old tricks of guilt and bullying work very well anymore. I'm definitely having some of those feelings of nostalgia. It wasn't ALL bad, after all, and I had approached her about divorce a dozen years ago and ended up backing down because I was afraid of missing time with the girls and losing those isolated flashes of happiness that I wasn't sure I'd have at all otherwise. But being out of the house helps. I hadn't realized the level of stress I Was under on a daily basis until I was only experiencing it a couple days a week for a few hours at a time. And although I'm in a happy relationship, I doubt it would have been much different if I wasn't, because it just feels so much healthier to just come home to peace and not constant drama and manipulation and a lack of respect. In my case, she was always the unstable parent and I was the safe one, so I've been lucky in that my relationships with the kids hasn't really been affected. My youngest is 14 and really never had much time for either of us. My oldest is nearly 18 and we're making the most of the time we have, and I feel like we're closer than ever and will probably remain so. And my ex? Well, I'm giving things time. I've started to realize that we are very different people, and under normal circumstances we might very well never have married, but she wanted security and I wanted a family, and neither of us was in tune with ourselves enough to realize we didn't have the love we thought. She may never come to that realization--she doesn't do introspection of any kind--and that's hard for me. I'm a very responsible person and a caretaker type, and after being "in charge of" her life and happiness for 20 years, backing off and letting her be an adult is hard for me. I hope she can heal, not just from our marriage, but from all the many other things that she has spent her life feeling hurt by. A lot of it is childish drama that I always expected she would outgrow. Maybe she can and maybe she can't, but she never will need to if I'm there picking up the pieces on a daily basis. I guess we'll see where it all ends up.
I had a coffee yesterday with my father, whom has been divorced himself. I explained to him where my relationship stands with both my ex and my kids where I have reached indifference with my ex and my kids are getting on with their lives focused around their mother. His response to me - "Son, you need to live your life and be happy, and you made the decision to be happy. The relationship you now have with them 'is what it is'. I have been reflecting on what he said. And he is right. In the end, I can not expect to have maintained an ongoing relationship with my ex wife; and as for my kids, they will lead their own life, I will be a part of it in the manner they want me to be a part of it. I no longer need to overly concern myself with my prior relationships, I now just need to continue to focus on my own happiness. If I do that, if my kids do that for themselves, then the chips will fall where they appropriately should. I guess thats a similar place where you are at Choirboy when you say "I guess we'll see where it all ends up".
Unfortunately, I relate to this. I feel that I compromised way too much with my wife before I came out to her (which she would also debate). Now she calls me selfish because she doesn't get to call the shots, which feels good except that she directs her anger at me, which has provided me with an opportunity to improve my detachment skills
