I hope posting here is okay. I'm 26, which I know is still quite young, but in a few weeks I plan to ask my husband of 6 1/2 years and father of my 1 year old son for a divorce and I felt like maybe this forum would have the wisest council for me. I fluctuate so much between feeling strong and firm 'this is what I want' and awfully guilty 'how could you do this to him?!' I feel like crying and so very sad when I think about hurting him when he's trying to love me through our gajillion problems or when he plays breakup songs on his ukelele or guitar (or the worst, like he did today with our son, playing our wedding song) I feel like dry heaving or hyperventilating when I think about when I asked him for a divorce 4 years ago and he cried so hard and begged me for another chance... I feel so awful sometimes but then other times I feel happier than I have in a while... almost like by planning this out I am taking back some control over my life (he is very controlling in a loving but constant 'what I think is logical and reasonable and right' kind of way) I think about the time after asking for us to separate (though we'll be stuck living together because we're in tokyo) and I imagine a couple weeks or months down the road when I feel brave enough to go to a lesbian club in Shinjuku and dance with another woman to see how it feels... I get so hopeful and anxious... I want to be a lesbian so badly, I want answers! Answers to why I feel so sexually and emotionally broken, why I've never loved him. Last week in therapy I found out that I let others make my choices for me, I never make any choices based on what I want, it's all about others' wishes. My assignment was to spend the week consciously making decisions based on what I wanted to do. I found out soon enough that every single thing i did or didn't do was in response to what I thought he wanted, or rebelling against what he wanted. I literally felt his presence, heard his voice making me feel ashamed for not picking up this, or scrubbing that as I looked at it. He has opinions on EVERYTHING and he thinks I should think and feel the same way as him. (though, if I say this to him he will get angry and deny it, saying that I only ever see the bad side of him... but the proof is in the pudding, he only talks to me to complain about things or to ask me to do things or try to 'teach' me how to do every little thing he wants done... things! lol) One side effect of this exercise was me being able to fully give myself permission to think: "I want a divorce" I've researched separation and divorce and custody and asked for advice on the baby forum I frequent and today I decided to put together a plan to ask for a live-in separation soon after he gets home from his two week business trip (that he will go on in half a week.) We can't legally move towards divorce right now because he works in Tokyo and I am a stay at home mom... divorce would mean me getting deported because his visa would no longer protect me. I deffy want 50/50 custody... I want it for both of us. I wrote this post just with a general ache to be known by someone. I dont have a single friend in Japan--on this hemisphere!--and I'm not close to my family. My therapist is my only listening ear! I do wonder what others' experiences were with the initial "asking for divorce." Any tips for how much should or not be said in that initial conversation? Also, do you recommend mentioning sexuality concerns as a reason for divorce? I said I thought I was a lesbian the first time but it worked against me because he was disgusted, wanting to know if I was cheating on him or wanted to cheat on him. (Wasn't/didn't. My lady experience is limited to my middle-school years.) I read an article that said to consider staying in the closet until the divorce and custody were final because some states will react poorly to a homosexual parent. We wouldnt be able to get a divorce until he is promoted or transferred back into the States (2-3+ years!) and then it would most likely be California, New York, Seattle, or Washington D.C. where offices are located. (In case knowing the specific potential states helps that advice-giving) It would be really hard to not try to find out if I'm gay during that time. If I did find out and I am lucky enough to be attracted to women it would be very hard to pretend for years that I didn't, too. But I would for my son, just to be clear. Are there any tips around helping me figure out my sexuality that doesn't involve anything that could harm me in the divorce or custody? (ex. a relationship before it's final could jeopardize custody, right?) Thank you for listening... double thanks to anyone who responds. I'll probably have more questions down the road too... and hopefully updates. I'll definitely update after therapy tomorrow with what she helps me decide as far as the right moment to ask him/if it's right to ask him yet. I appreciate this forum being here... it is a great resource for times like these! Goodnight :sleep:
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a situation. I have not started any divorce proceedings and do not really know anything about what the process is but wanted to tell you that you're not alone as there lots of us here who are in very similar positions. Some of the amazing other ladies that are in here I am sure will chime in and provide you with support and information. You have found a great resource here, there is a lot of good people who are very insightful and caring. Keep sharing (&&&)
I also don't have alot of specific advice but I too wanted to say welcome to EC, this is a really warm and welcoming place. Lots of people here would likely have some insight more relevant to your situation. But I'm just here to offer hugs.
Your heart is good. You don't want to hurt anyone. But...It will hurt. I will hurt you and him and baby and parents even some friends....because big changes do that. I am really sorry you are facing this right now. Parting ways is not an easy task, and generally it's not a choice made lightly. You sound like you have put some thought into this. Good luck and keep sharing. One moment at a time for now. Be honest. Be brave. Be nice.
Hi, and welcome to EC (*hug*) I'm not married and don't have kids but I'm in a ltr with my boyfriend, for more than 8 years. We live together and also live in a foreign country so we became very close and isolated from the rest of the world. That was one of the reasons which made me even more difficult to come out. Now I'm out to him and we are currently in this limbo of still living together, not having sex and not talking about our issues. Anyway, I can relate to when you say that you feel that he is imposing his view and opinions on you and you feel his presence everywhere, when you are making decisions. This is something very similar to how I felt lately in my relationship. He told me it's just my problem, he is not forcing me to agree. But I still felt that if I want to be with him and not argue, there is always a "good" answer, and that is his answer. I've been working on my self esteem and confidence issues a lot lately, it kind of came with the "accepting I'm gay" thing. My issues are all thrown in front of me with a huge magnifying lence above them. So I'm realizing that all these issues regarding my feelings of me having to always agree with him are related closely to my confidence issues. When I feel I'm not confident he is provoking me with an argument I feel I cannot win, or I feel that I'm under attack. My bf is like this huge mirror for my insecurities. Which is cool to realize, but still, not neccessarily the perfect relationship model. Anyway, this is one issue why I feel that our relationship cannot continue. Me being gay is the other issue, and as some people were advising me here, maybe it's more useful to see these issues separately. Though they are definitely intertwined.
Welcome. There was a recent thread about this but I can't remember the name of it. I THINK it involved user IrishJ. You might look at the threads he's started, and also do a general thread search. These threads pop up cyclically as new members go through the same thing.
Welcome. I'm going through something similar. I just told my husband that I'm a lesbian and I want a divorce. We have two small children. I am lucky though in that he is very open minded and supportive. Hurt, yes, but understanding, loving, and supportive. I would not have told him about my sexuality unless I knew he would be supportive and he would be fine with the idea of me one day having a female partner who would also be a part of my kids' lives. I would not have said anything about being a lesbian if I didn't know that he wouldn't act out of anger but would do only what is in the best interest of the kids. And I would not have told him if we weren't actively participating in couples therapy. So my advice--if you don't KNOW that your husband will be supportive (and it sounds like, unfortunately, he wouldn't be), then don't make it about your sexuality. It sounds like there are many other things wrong in the marriage, and it sounds like you wouldn't be particularly happy in the marriage even if you were hetero. So why make it about your sexuality? It sounds to be more about a general incompatibility... My husband too has a job that forces me to be away from family right now in a time I really need support--so I fully sympathize with you. Hugs. Keep posting. It's hard. Everyday is painful. But I know I'm moving in the right direction. Follow your heart.
Wowza. I wrote a long reply and hit send without copying, D'OH!! It returned an error about not having signed in since the last time I refreshed the page (???) and everything was LOST!! I'm really tired from not sleeping well so I'm going to go to bed and retype in the morning. Before I go, though, I do want to thank you all so much for your support and advice! I'll post tomorrow with how therapy went and how loopy my head has been. I feel like I cross every end of the spectrum within a couple hours.
Welcome. I am not married but I can relate to the reactionary decision making and not making my own, autonomous decisions. I'm sorry you're having a rough time and I hope things get better for you. You're at least in a good place here.
Ahh... so a disappointing therapy experience for me. I woke up yesterday very sad, wondering how I could be doing this to my husband, crying and moping around. After I put my son down for a nap I began planning some preliminary details in my journal and I began feeling very empowered. I wrote out why we should get a divorce, three safe methods of separation that won't result in me getting deported, and what I wanted from the separation/divorce (aka 50/50 custody, separate living areas, friendship, etc then at the very bottom "Freedom...") I went to counseling excited and anxious to talk about my plans and hoping to get some insight on anything that I might have missed that might make it go smoother but whomp, whomp that's not how it turned out. I've only been going to see her for a month and a half so we're still in the stage where I just spew personal history the whole session. I started the session telling her about paragraphs 4 and 5 in my OP, essentially how I realized that this is what I really wanted, but it took me almost the entire session to get to the punchline "I want to ask for a divorce and I was really hoping to get advice before I did." After I said that, her eyebrows went up and she kinda smirked and reminded me of different times in my past when in her opinion I'd appeared to change my mind quickly and then she strongly cautioned I didn't do anything fast. She said that she suspected I was rushing into it because I was afraid that I would change my mind if I waited too long. I was really hurt by this... I really wanted support, I thought of all people she would have understood that this isn't a fast decision... I just only gave myself permission to accept it recently. One of the 'fast decision' examples was from before I had gotten pregnant, when my husband himself said that he was tired, so tired of trying and feeling like he was getting nowhere and he was ready to give up. In that moment I instantly felt so much fear and anxiety about being left, about being alone (where would I go? what would I do? I was a housewife with no real skills at that time) and I ended up begging him not to give up. After a month I was kicking myself, wishing I had let us have the divorce talk then, but pushed it down saying to myself "Of course you love him, if you didn't love him you wouldn't have felt so afraid. You just don't know what love is so you don't know you're secretly already feeling it!" Ahh, I feel so dumb reading my old thoughts. On the way home I felt lost again. I had felt so good on the way to therapy that I had laughed as I entered the train station, saying "It's like I have nerves of steel! I have steely nerves!" but on the way home it was like I was recovering from a kick to the chest. I had felt like I was finally about to do the right thing... I was taking steps that would result (eventually) in our suffering coming to an end. My selfishness and fear have kept me locked in a relationship, unhappy and guilty to the point of daydreaming about self-harm or killing myself and making my husband suffer because I did not (could not?) want him the way he deserved and I was finally going to stop the cycle! But man it hurt so bad to have a mental professional not on the same page as me. But anyway, walking home I started talking out loud to myself and came to the conclusion that she didn't have the full picture. How could she? It was not a fast decision out of nowhere. I mean, I came in the first session saying I've never felt sexually attracted to my husband, I'm disgusted by sex with him, I think there's a very strong chance I'm not just bi, but fully lesbian, I'm so unhappy in my marriage I want to die... I have never once in any of our sessions said "I was happily in love with my husband at this time in my life." Not only those things but I have logged so many hours this past week researching separation and divorce and comparing coming-out stories and mixed-orientation divorce stories and EVERYTHING I have seen has made me feel even more firm that this decision is the right one for me and for him. To me this decision feels waaayy long overdue. And I feel that taking a few weeks to gather my thoughts and put together some options so he doesn't feel totally lost without any sort of clue what might happen next is enough time. And it might actually be true that I want to get this started quickly, because I have wanted out for so many years and I finally have the gumption to do something about it, and I don't want to fall back into the mire of just depressively letting my life happen to me. That, and I'm 26! I want to capitalize on the few years of youth I still have left! Another thing that she had said that disappointed me was when I was talking about wanting to be free to make my own decisions. She interrupted me at different times saying things similar to "Well, you wont be completely alone, right?" (referring to my son) "Well, it's not like you can do whatever you want... right?" I've been reluctant to leave for so long because I have it so easy. My husband is very smart and has a great job and our future is set to only get more comfortable as time goes on... this is the first time I have felt truly ready to buckle down and start taking control of my life... I have been writing plans to take classes on personal finances and time management before we fully part ways and I am SO ready to just try to be a good mom for a while... no haring off or anything. it hurt that she seemed to think I was doing this selfishly or to scratch some confinement itch. I felt pretty mopey after getting back home... my husband was being so nice and giving me space and I was wrestling with my thoughts and I was so tired I felt like giving up. I feel like I'm getting whiplash from all the mood swings I've been experiencing. Did any of you feel this way at first? One second bawling because you felt like the scum of the earth, next firm and strong and even happy about making these choices and then the in the end feeling like giving up and sinking noncombatant-ly back into pretending things were okay? I feel so worn out. (still.) I can't bring my son to therapy so unless I can find a babysitter I wont go to therapy again until after my husband gets back. this is unsettling to me because it feels wrong to go forward with the conversation with my therapist not fully understanding. Though, in the end, this is my life, my husbands life, and I don't need her approval to decide where this is the right idea or not. I do feel nervous about not having a professional's advice though! Bah.
I completely relate to the whiplash feeling! My ex and I still live together, and we need to for finances. Until my van broke I could have lived without him, but he needs me financially. We have separate rooms, we are official roommates. There's always this air of awkwardness, but I always remain firm in my decision. Like you, I've always made decisions based on what others want. For the first time ever, it's all about me and it feels great!! The sadness still hits me from time to time, but I just let the experience pass. Accept the feelings, and allow them to run their course. ( learned from ekart tolle's, a new earth) out helps. You are not your emotions, you are the presence that is aware of your emotions.
Wowie I really liked this. I feel like I benefit the most from simple phrases like that... I'm always struck by them, at least. I'm encouraged and bolstered by how I keep seeing my same story and emotions everywhere on the boards. It really gives me hope, maybe I'm strong enough to do this! Today, hanging out with my husband and son all day I've felt a low-grade panic... I'm reminded so strongly of when I knew I was going to get in trouble with my mom for skipping in high school, or when I was counting down the hours till I was going to see my boyfriend who I was planning on breaking up with. That gives me hope too... Just like I survived through those circumstances, I will also make it through this one. Also, out at a bakery for lunch, a very hot girl walked in and I did this enormously obvious double take to be able to look at her again. :eusa_doh: Huge wild hair, blonde and wavy like Nicky on orange is the new black. Thankfully husband was talking to a friend, but I have been given a ray of shiny hope... Maybe I am not broken... Just a lesbian!!
I was wondering maybe it would be a good idea to tell her this, how her reactions made you feel. I think it would help a lot because our strong negative feelings are usually a very important indicator of what should we focus on about ourselves. So you and your therapist could work maybe on that part, like why you felt these strong emotions to her reaction, what does that mean about what is actually hurting you, what you want or don't want. But I can totally relate with feeling strong and secure about the changes you want to make in your life and the next moment falling from that place far below, and finding yourself sorrounded with fear and self-doubt and guilt. I think a lot of people here have experienced this cycle. I sometimes find myself in this huge doubt about what I actually want, maybe I should stay with my bf, maybe I'm just making this whole thing up, etc. And then, as in your bakery story, I see a girl and she smiles at me, and I'm just instantly pulled out from this negative spiral, my energy is back and I know what I want and who I am Though it's a bit exhausting sometimes, but if I can remember that nothing will stay the same and everthing changes then I'm ok.
