As someone who is faced with many life decisions at this point in my life, having a heaping of the most fundamental parts of self questioned is the fucking worst. Even now that I'm slowly coming around to accepting certain parts of my sexual identity, there i still the looming feeling of what to do with the rest of my life. I know that it is all in my hands, yet i feel like some weird adolescent trapped in an adult body that doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to own up to it. This forum is littered with stories that are much more complicated than mine. What helped you to get through the tough times?
Im pretty certain my story is more complicated than most others, more complicated than anything ive ever seen. I cant even describe it on this public board, bc im pretty sure if someone who knows us read it they would know its me, pretty darn sure this has never been a situation ever before. (But if anyone is curious id be happy to share privately). I don't know for sure what Im doing with the rest of my life yet. My life has pretty much flipped upside down since a year ago today. A year ago if someone had told me Id be where I am today I would have thought they were on crack. Seriously. I still live at home with my husband and child, as does my best friend/girlfriend still lives with her husband/kids. For the time being that's how it is, though someday we would both love to just be together with each other. But for now this is working. its hard often, esp. at night when I cant be with her and I am sad. I try to take one day at a time, and just enjoy that we are able to be together.It is very hard and distracting myself helps. Working out, engrossing myself in my work, volunteering at my child's school, etc helps a lot. Though Ive personally accepted that I am a lesbian, it is still hard sometimes. And its only been 6 months since ive accepted this.
I feel like you do, Egypt. A lot of us do. Like teens trapped in midlife circumstances and bodies. I also feel like I'm reevaluating a lot of my core traits. For me, realizing that I wasn't entirely monogamous in my heart was the hardest. Feeling like in my heart I was cheating on my husband for wanting a girlfriend utterly terrified me and was extremely traumatic.
Recognizing that you are not alone should help you get comfortable with where you are in life. To this point, it might help to know that people whom appear as if they have their s--t together, many actually do not. I can say that because I was one of them. On the outside, I had what appeared to be a great career, great family, everything including the white picket fence. But inside, just as you, I felt like an adolescent trapped in an adult body and had no idea what to do. Questioning my sexuality only exasperated my feeling of being lost in life. To help, you might consider writing down on a piece of paper each part of your life that is causing you concern. Think about where you are on each, where you want to be in five years time, and then establishing a path of getting there. I know my suggestion is written in a way that sounds easy when it is not, but it may help you organize your thoughts; and there nothing that says you can not update it regularly as you progress on your journey. Food for thought.
