I'm just so freaking tired of all this..

Hi TeaTree,
Never feel bad for sharing, this is what we're all here for. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now. The ups and downs are so powerful, I understand. It sounds like you're feeling alone right now and trapped. Do you have anyone you can reach out to? It helps to feel lie you have someone in your life who's in your corner.

Big big big hugs!

 

Rushing off to work... Sending hugs! (*hug*)(&&&)

 

Vent all you want in here and scream in frustration when you need to.(&&&)(&&&)

We'll get there. We will. We are strong and we can do it. We've taken the first steps already :eusa_danc

 

TeaTree, maybe try on focusing on one thing at a time. From your previous posts, it sounds like you're generally not happy in your relationship. Can you try to put the sexuality issues to the side for a bit and focus on what you want or don't want from your boyfriend? Are you financially independent? Could you leave if you chose to? Change is scary, but really, you need to take some time to be unapologetically selfish.

The other day I saw on here something about, "Taking a step without seeing the whole staircase." I really like that. I brought it up in therapy and my therapist said, "What's that called?" I couldn't answer, and she said, "Faith." She's right. I'm just taking one step at a time and hoping when I get to the top it'll have all been worth it.

The thing is, can anything be worse than feeling so stifled that you've thought about taking your own life? It's clear you need a change, TT. Things won't completely change or get better overnight. But you can take small steps. Start climbing.

Hugs.

 

Gosh, teatree I feel like you have written my heartsong right there. We're in slightly different situations but I too I feel like I am just trying to wrangle my emotions and get them under control... And I remind myself every hour not to rush into anything I'm not ready for--when really I just want to tell this person who is my best friend that he is just my best friend. I've avoided confronting myself and him for years and I too am ready to figure out my orientation and celebrate it. If I have any advice to give it's that if he is not the right one for you, buckling down and staying with him for the sake of convention or convenience will not be a bright or happy future for either of you. At least that has been my experience. No amount of self-flagellation and guilt can make a best friend into someone you regard passionately as a lover

 

We are having nearly identical thought proccesses. Are you seeking out therapy? I just found a new one because my last was completely unhealthy for me. I have a lot of programming to contend with and i currently feel as if my thoughts are not even my own. Like a daily internal battle.

My relationship with my husband is changing as well hes always been my best friend and hang out buddy feels like the married style obligations are going and we are almost turning into really close roommates. I don't know if it's just me tho or he is feeling it too its been a long week and we've not had any time to talk, he did mention his possessive nature on me end jealous is getting worse.

Hugs teatree. It's going to take a long time, when youve been programmed to believe something its a very long process undoing all of it. Like a hella knotted rope, sometimes the knots get tighter, and the mess worse before you can undo each section.

 

TeaTree, first of all (*hug*)
If you don't know what you want what about starting with what you don't want?
What I did is that I completely forbade myself to think about the future because I realized when I think about the future I come up with millions of different scenarios that only make me scared, insecure, anxious, paralysed,... you name it, and 99% of them will never happen. It's not only a waste of time but it also takes lots of energy away from me so why to do that? Whatever comes I'll deal with it day by day in the best way I can.
The other thing is that feeling of guilt often comes when one is being manipulated. It means the guilt comes from the outside and is not your fault.
If you want to stay in the relationship with your best friend who you love but not in a romantic or sexual way just go for it but if you are not happy with the current situation and if it's not enough you need to change it. Btw completely forget "I will... when..." type of thinking because it only brings a fake feeling of control, nothing more.
And remember if you need to talk I'm here, we all are. (*hug*)

 

I just want to say you are not alone. I could have written this myself if I were more in touch with me feelings and emotions. I hope the future holds something better for us, but I'm starting to fear that it won't change itself for me, that I will actually have to Do Something to make a change happen. That is the most frightening thing.

 

(*hug*)Hi Teatree,

I wish I could teleport to you and we could go for a beer or whatever. The thing that is saving me through this is my friends, my counsellor, my support group, and believe it or not, my husband. I am actively reaching out for empathetic ears and people to lean on. It is in no way easy, but at the end of the day I believe that I deserve to be authentic and happy. I believe my husband deserves that too. Breaking things off/separating is more painful than I could imagine, and will continue to be painful and I'm sure lonely but it also is a relief.

You deserve to be happy. It seems like you aren't sure if that is true. I hope you continue to look for support, even if it means shopping around for a counsellor.

 

Sigh, I resonate so much with this thread that I had to step back from it for a day or so. I completely understand the sentiment of being sick and tired of yourself, and also the impatience. And the fears, omg, the fears! There are so many that it clogs up my brain and I don't even know where to begin with them, along with never knowing what you want. I never have known what I wanted. When I went over to my aunt's house for dinner and she'd ask me what I'd like to drink, I'd be paralyzed by indecision, afraid of making the "wrong" choice. So far I've gone through life basically doing what you are "supposed" to do and getting by, but at 34, its wearing thin, the not knowing oneself.

 

Yeah, this. Sometimes I want to just Take Action to prove that I can. But I don't want to take stupid, inadvisable action that is not in my best interest. So I take no action. Sux.

 

Yeah, the not knowing yourself part was rough for me. I wasn't that happy having to face it at first after so many years of wedded unconsciousness.

I would imagine that no action is going to wear pretty thin after a while. It did for me, anyway. One can only tread water for so long before drowning.

The fear is certainly understandable, but remember that fear is not your friend! :eusa_naug

 

I really feel for you. I don't have a lot of advice to give because I'm not coming from the standpoint of someone who is married or in a relationship, but I'm definitely thinking about you, because I can relate to the anxiety and depression and the feeling of wanting to start over again. That I can definitely relate to as well.

 

This is very true. If we waited until we are 100% certain that it is the "right" action and we know all possible outcomes of every step, we would never do anything. And then where would we be? Avoidance and fear really don't do anything but keep us stuck.

Being alive comes with uncertainty and risk. You just have to have faith that you are making the best decision you can, given the info and feelings you have at that moment. If you do that, then it will be the right decision, because it is what you need to do at that point in your life.

You can't worry too much about tomorrow you, because you can't even know if there will be a tomorrow. When I was going through my thing, my therapist said to me, "yesterday is gone and you may never get tomorrow. All you have for sure is today. And today your situation is this. That is what you have to work with. What do you want today?" That really stuck with me and got me out of my paralysis. And it kind of took the pressure off too, because it gave me a different perspective and made me see how I was just thinking myself into a corner.