Seriously. None. People talk about always knowing they were gay or bi, I had it so deeply hidden that I only figured it out in the last year or so...and I'm 45. It started when my boyfriend asked if I fantasize about having sex with people at work. I said no (and it was absolutely true), that people I work with are mannequins - no sexy bits. Then, out of the blue, I was struck dumb by a passing image in my head of me and a woman I work with! I had never felt so aroused so quickly. After I got over the shock (it took some weeks), I examined my life a bit more closely. The people I fell in love with as a teen were female, but I thought that I just wanted a close friend (I really had very few friends growing up). When I was old enough to go to bars, I would look at all the pretty girls in their pretty clothes...and go home with a guy because that is what I was supposed to do. I got married to a man (married him because I thought no one would ever love me anyway, and he paid attention to me, so it must be good, right?). Divorced him after two children, took a year off of relationships, and started dating. Dating? Yeah, more men. I really liked one woman that I met at a group event, I wanted to run my hands through her curly hair. But I'm supposed to be looking for a man, so I found one and he lives with me now and has for nine years. Then I thought back to what I watched on tv as a teen. I would watch shows like Fashion Television in hopes of looking at some sheer outfit that showed the model's breasts. If anyone asked, I simply said I was interested in fashion. A quieter part of my mind whispered that looking at women was ok, they are pretty and soft. But dating them never, ever entered into my mind. Once I got over the shock of the idea of me and another woman, I realized some other things about myself. While at work (different job by this time) if I saw a couple walking in front of me I would notice the sway of the woman's hips, her smile, her laugh. And remember to tear my eyes away before I could be caught staring. Also true for if someone bent over in front of me and I got a delicious look down her shirt...best to glance and look away. And now, here I am, in a relationship with a man, have two fully grown children living with me, and I have no idea how to explore this side of me. My city does not have a specific area dedicated to LGBT (unlike, say, San Francisco) and I am extremely tentative about just meeting up with someone. My boyfriend suspects...strongly...but I haven't said anything out loud. My children have no idea. People I talk to say that it's impossible to 'just realize' you are gay in your 40's. That I should have known all along. So there's some shame in the fact that I kept a secret from myself all along, and betrayed people close to me by default. Or, possibly, I'm just confused. Maybe I wouldn't like the experience and giving up everything I have isn't worth the disappointment.
Hey, I wanted to let you know that I understand. The confusion and the fear. And while the "just realizing" in your 40s wasn't my experience, it was my husband's. It happens. We were socialized to heteronormativity and we accepted it as truth. I always thought my middle school girl crushes were - well, normal - but not something to pursue. And since I actually do like guys, too, it was easy for me to handle the heteronormative life. I can't live that way anymore, though. I need to acknowledge who I am. It's hard, and you're taking the first steps. Take it at your own pace, and remember, a lot of people have been there! Another thought - think about what you would tell your kids if they came to you with similar thoughts. When I struggle with things, I think about how I would guide my kids in a similar situation, and I realize I need to do the same for myself. And that if I do what I need to do for me, they will learn to do what they need to do for them from my example.
