choosing to have kids?

Of all the motivations for having kids, the weakest one is seeking one's own fulfilment. There is no "cosmic resume" upon which you must have inscribed: "Had kids and raised them".

I like Gibran's definition that having children (to paraphrase) is life's longing for itself, hence kids are not possessions...it is a problem with our language that we say we "have" kids, but they are not owned, they are experienced.

At best, children are an opportunity for joy, as opposed to just pleasure (although it can be a very pleasurable experience as well...just listen to a toddler laugh!). Children are a gift.

As for saving the world, there was a beautiful story I read recently (again paraphrased) which went like this: A college professor at the beginning of the school year with freshman students told them that he understood that they were there, in their youthful idealism, to save the world, but he gave them permission to save just one person, and he further clarified that that one person could be themselves...

Oh, by the way, every child is a lesson in love, there is no greater thing to learn..

 

I just felt that I had to chime in here, because I have this exact same thing said to me MANY times by parents who felt that they know best...I have to say that this is so much bs.

Children are a huge, lifetime commitment, and you should really know for sure you want them before you do that. It's not exactly something you can change your mind on and take back once you do it. So, for me, no thanks.

It is not remotely selfish to not want kids. Not at all. Not everyone needs to have children. I don't have them, and I am perfectly happy. I never felt that I "missed out" or that I am not a complete person, or any of that. I don't regret the decision at all.

That's not to say that I would tell anyone else what they should do...I have friends who have kids and love them and feel their lives are complete, and I have friends who don't have them and also feel their lives are complete. There is no "right" way to go here; it is different for everyone.

A also know that, for me, it was incredibly fortunate that I did not have them, because that would have complicated my situation so much more and would have made it so much harder to get out of my unhealthy marriage and make the changes in my life that I knew I had to make. That wasn't planned that way, of course, I was just very lucky it happened that way.

So, given that you seemed to indicate that your situation is far from settled, maybe wait a bit until you have things more figured out before deciding? You have time.

It is a deeply personal choice, and you cannot let anyone else make it for you. And guilt/pressure from friends or family should NEVER play into the decision. Isn't that why many of us are here in the first place? For living lives according to society's and family's expectations instead of our own hearts?

Children do completely change your life and become the central focus of it, and they can be very wonderful for those who want them. But life can also be full and rich without them, too. Each of us has to do what is right for our own lives and souls, and not care about what other people say. If your friends have kids and love it, great for them. It doesn't mean that it is right for you. Only you will know that. And if it is right for you, then great for you. And if not, that's great too. Either way, you will be fine, so long as you follow your heart and not someone else's opinion of what your life should look like.

Just my two cents. (*hug*)

 

Having kids is amazing. For me. Because I made the choice to have kids. They drive me crazy and they keep me on my toes and they are amazing people. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

But that was my choice, and I was really young when I had them. I'm almost 41 and I have two adult children (21 and 18) and two teenagers (15 and 13). Yeah, I was/am crazy.

I'm also the mom who tells my kids to not have kids if they don't want them. If any but my oldest have kids, I'll actually be surprised. Does that matter to me? Nope, I want them to be happy in their own lives.

It's not selfish to not have kids. If my ex-husband hadn't wanted to have kids, I don't think we ever would have married; I think he might have come out much sooner. If I didn't want to have kids, I might have pursued a relationship with a woman sooner. Our lives would be very different, but they wouldn't necessarily be worse.

I agree with Shadowsylke that this, like everything else, is about knowing what you want and following your heart and your desires. (*hug*)

 

Well personally unless you WANT them. I don't feel you are going to miss anything if you lack the desire to have one?

Have four, i was raised/programmed to believe having children and being a mom would make me feel fulfilled in life. I chose to have my children, even went thru some upsetting lengths to get them. Recently came. To the realization that i basically was producing children to fill this void i thought was suppose to be filled by children and being a mom. And it doesn't work like that. My children are amazing, brilliant, beautiful, happy wonderful people. I cannot regret them but it is emoemotionally and physically exhausting. I hate being touched and have spent the entirety of my adult lifebeing touched lol.

I used to shout from the roof tops that children are what turns the earth, everyone should be a parent its so fulfilling blahblahblah. And while it is a truly beautiful experience its life altering. I always thought it was better to have kids young so you could spend midlife enjoying the world. Which is all well and good except if you don't know who you are and start having babies.

So coming from someone who thought all she ever wanted was children, and used to basically advocate for reproducing. The only reason you should be having a child its if you are happy fulfilled and want to share your life with a little person forever, you learn so much about yourself and life and the world when you have a child, i dont have enough vocabulary to deecribe it. It is a fantastic experience but done for the wrong reasons and realizing it later can be difficult.

My favorite ages so far are 2 up until about 5 and then like 9 and up so far (my oldest is nearly 10 lol) babies suck as do blooming adolescents haha! I know i wpuld have regretted not having at least one. 4 is a lot but i dont regret that either because i love each of my children and couldnt deciding nah i shoulda stopped at 2 or 1 etc. Cause i wouldnt have ever known the younger ones.

---------- Post added 9th Oct 2015 at 12:36 PM ----------

Shadowsylke basically explained it perfectly

 

This above! I have to frame it and hang it on the wall.

Really, I get so angry when people consider children their possessions. And phrasing like this makes it sound cruel and most of the people would say no, I don't see it like that. But even then, most of them use the term "my children" or "having children". Which expresses possession and language shapes our thinking.

Otherwise I actually wanted to start a thread about this subject at one point, because my issue is that I somehow never wanted to have kids. I could say that maybe because I felt kind of isolated and alone in my family when I was a kid, and I didn't want to replicate it. Also I just felt it's something that's not for me. Also had and still have a big issue with female gender roles in family (oh well, not surprising). My mother was the one who used to always be the stupid one, the weak one, the one who is never right, the anxious one, the fearful one, etc. I didn't want to be like that but unfortunately our behaviour patterns are shaped so much based on our same sex parent's behaviour.

So yeah, many reasons why I didn't want children, though my boyfriend wanted to have kids. He knew from the beginning I didn't want kids but was hoping that I will change my mind.

Anyways, fun part is that since I started to reconnect with myself and my sexuality, I started thinking about having kids. Maybe because until now I wasn't entirely myself and I didn't want to repeat my mothers story, where my child would feel that huge gap between what he/she is being told and how his/her mother is actually living her life.
But now, even if I would want to have children, it gets a bit more complicated...

And the last thing is that I have always felt/still feel a huge social pressure about having children and feel guilty for not having them. One of my relatively close friends just told me two days ago that she is pregnant and I felt like "oh no, not you too". This is like when I hope that a person is gay and then I find out that they are in a straight relationship...
Hoping to relate to people...

But I guess I have to get to the point to decide for myself, without needing to have some kind of social acceptance.

 

As everyone else said, it's a deeply personal decision. I had children because I thought they were going to fill the emptiness I had inside, and because I felt like it was the next / right thing to do. I was in my early twenties when my first was born. While I would NOT change a THING because they are here and they are beautiful and so very smart and full of soul and life and they are going to do great things and they are great people, please trust me when I say they did NOT fill any void and what I did was completely complicate the process of finding myself. The first few years of their lives was just a complete whirlwind and I had no time to figure anything out because I was just trying to get through the day and get some of that precious thing called sleep. Now that things have slowed down a bit, I've started to figure out this emptiness and my situation is so very hard because I have these wonderful children in my life who I don't want to hurt in the process. Because they don't have a choice right now but they are affected by every choice I make and their dad makes. And they always have to come first, because they are children, they are innocent and lovely and wholly dependent.

So if you decide to have children, do it with much consideration. Do it with the right person. And don't do it with the expectation that it will somehow make your situation better. Children are AMAZING. But, as previous posters have said, I think you can absolutely have a fulfilling, meaningful life without children.

 

For me, personally, I have wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. Yes, growing up in a Catholic household, going to Catholic School, it was kind of drilled into me that I was supposed to grow up, get married and have kids, but it was also part of who I was. I have always wanted to have kids more than I wanted to get married. According to what I was taught, the path to take to have kids was to get married. So I found a suitable partner, got married, had kids. Followed the rules.

I would not regret having kids but I would honestly think twice about getting married again. My kids are my lights, I love them and every day I want to be a better person for them. They are my reasons and why I cannot wait to come home at night.

But as everyone else has said the decision to have kids is not one to be taken lightly. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but certainly one of the most rewarding things. I learn from my children every day. Most days they make me smile, laugh, cry, scream, want to pull my hair out....and so many other things. Having kids is stressful, puts a strain on your marriage and also puts a strain your own self. I would only have kids if you want to have kids and it is truly in your heart to have kids. Since you have mentioned that you are trying to sort our your sexuality, my advice to you would be to absolutely figure that out first. Children just complicate things. Take care of yourself, find yourself and determine what you want. Once you do that and once you are happy with who you are, then you will know in your heart if having children is really for you.