Today I started Googling "lesbian dating" and I visited a local coffee shop I was told is LBGT-oriented (and it's listed as such in the "wholebook"). It was mostly empty and the only women there looked decidedly non-lesbian. Then I drove past but did not stop into the local drag bar. I'm not a drinker and when I imagine going to such a place I picture a bunch of people half my age, even if any of them were female. I got really down and sad about all this, remembering how so many times I resorted to men for companionship because it was just so easy to find them. But I feel so decidedly through with men at this point. I don't know if I want to go there again, ever. Then as I binge-watch The L Word I think, oh man, do I really want so much emotion and drama? I have enough emotions for two people already! I just feel so discouraged and aimless right now. Coming out at 50? Be serious! It feels like my life is over. I don't usually spiral into bad feelings but it just feels like I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't even know if I'd really want a sudden relationship with a woman if one was to appear. My friendships feel safe and I want to feel safe. I don't know if I can handle any kind of passionate rollercoaster again. I am glad that next week is my work's coming out event and I can go and just have conversations in a safe environment. I need friends, not a girlfriend. I need people who understand how frustrating it is to have wanted something all my life and never been able to even come close to it. No, I have never seriously tried, never put myself out there as OUT and been available as a complete lesbian partner to someone. Never even close. I got what I gave - hot bi babe fun and bye... I don't want that either. I want love. I just feel so sure right now that I won't get it, that it's too late.
Coming out at mid-life is not easy, and there will be challenges along the way. You came out to your friend yesterday, and today you took a first step towards meeting other women by googling "lesbian dating" and checking out the places that you found. That's huge and you should feel proud about these accomplishments. If you didn't find what you were looking for, you can try again at a different time or maybe look at other options. Are there LGBT meetups in your area? These are a great way to meet similar minded folk. What about a dating app/site or CL? Would moving be an option for you? (&&&)
Thank you SiennaFire (*hug*) I know that I'm just beginning this process and I'm bound to have some waves of emotion. The people at the PFLAG meeting were so helpful and kind, and there are various regular meetings of other local organizations coming up monthly. We have a local Pride Festival and there are some very politically active groups too (it's Iowa after all!) So I am going to meet some people and make some friends. I intend to get involved in what these organizations do. Everyone I meet is working toward something, educating or having events, getting more visibility of sidelined groups. There will be opportunities for me to not only make friends but be active in working toward something that matters to me. I know that there are lots of others out there who are much more scared and closeted than I am and need support. It's hard right now to distinguish my current feelings from the feelings that have been piling up for decades. Looking back and seeing what a ping-pong ball I was, desperate to have someone in my life. I know I'm not that person anymore and I do know I have a lot to offer, because I have learned to be a real friend to people. It's just new to expose myself this way, to open up to the idea that I'll accept my preferences and the heartache that goes along with them. I guess it's a kind of strength, but right now, I feel all alone.
At some point everything will begin to come into focus and things will start to make sense. Unfortunately this does not happen overnight, and it could take weeks or months to process your feelings. For now it seems like you are doing the right things (engaging with members of the LGBT community and meeting new friends). This coupled with dating will help you clarify what you are looking for in a partner. It will probably take time to find the one, so make sure that you enjoy the journey. I realize that it's not always easy to remain optimistic, but at our age we need to make the most of every day. Carpe diem!
I know it can feel extremely lonely where you are, but really, in the big scheme of things, you're not. I went out and looked for a LGBT meetup group in my town, and there aren't any. The nearest gay bar is 4 hours away, and I suspect the closest meetup is at least that far as well. I feel like every gay person of my generation ran as far and as fast as they could as soon as they graduated high school, leaving me as potentially the only one stupid enough to be here. It is discouraging. All that said, though, it could be worse. I have the Internet, I have EC, and I have a drivers license. I really would rather have a gay community within at least an hour's drive, but I can work to make do.
Don't give up, darling! You've already come so far. You don't need to find a girlfriend right this second to be a lesbian. Starting with friends is totally a big enough step.
This is what I want to for now as well. Friends who get it or don't get it but care about it and who went through similar stuff. Though I wouldn't say no to something more, I actually like the drama part sometimes - maybe because I've been in this relationship for eight years and convinced myself that I don't need passion in my life...and numbed my feelings away... Otherwise I also think that you are making huge steps and can really be proud of yourself for that. I never got so far to go some lgbt event ( truth is there aren't really here or I don't know about them but I could still take the bus/train to some other citities where there might be something) I'm convinced you'll get there, you seem strong and I guess the most important thing for achieving what you want is to never give up. You really are an inpiration for me, to be honest (*hug*)
My goodness... thank you (*hug*) I think I am probably struggling with regret, over some moments in the past when I was too afraid to make a move that would rattle the status quo. I know that I am not that person anymore. I think my feeling of aloneness right now is simply because over the past year I have been carefully looking at every person in my world and asking myself if they really contribute to my life, show interest in me as a person, do their end of being in a friendship with me. And I have chosen to be by myself before I will spend a minute of my time around anyone who inspires negative feelings in me. I am also still stinging from having to turn my back only a week ago on a male friend I thought was truly supportive of me, after he exposed himself as a cretin and a sexist. And there are no other men or women on the horizon. I have a couple of exes who live far away and would do anything for me, and the few friends in my life. And maybe soon a community of queerfolk with whom I'll be able to share my feelings in real life. I know that will happen because I am taking steps. It is just such a different world to say, I know who I am, and it is not for anyone else to say otherwise. It is a lonely feeling but for whatever reason the confluence of events in my life this past year has forced me to draw a line and set boundaries I never had before, and simply not tolerate anyone's unkindness or prehistoric notions. Goodness... I am on a roll today. And... I did post something on Facebook, which I copied onto the Coming Out Day thread... oh my goodness...!
Omg you are an amazing woman. Don't put yourself down. Find the friends you need, and there is no way you will find yourself alone.
I simply feel amazed at how much support I have gotten here, and how good it feels to hear your story and others.... I felt so very alone in the world before. I literally thought I was the only person still in the closet. But I guess that is how closets are. When the door is closed, you don't know what is inside. Thank you. (*hug*) (&&&)
5 years ago I started sorting through my "friends", some of which I inherited from her. You know, couples. So I realized that I was really tired of the Friday night Merlot parties and the inability to connect with the husbands. "Hey, I bike, you bike. Wanna bike?" "Um sure, let's bike some time". Fuck. Just so lame. Started re-connecting with college friends and at least we could talk. And as I'm slowly coming out I'm looking for gay guys to hang with...not for sex, jut for connection. Living in Chicagoland, you'd think there would be plenty of those sorts of opportunities....not so much. I share your loneliness.
When I think about if I were to leave my relationship and "go gay" for lack of a better term, one of my worries is about making friends who are also gay or bi. I actually feel like for the first time in my life, I have a lot of friends. After my ex and I broke up three years ago, I felt pretty lonely and only had s few friends who were all mostly mutual. I put myself out there to try and make some new friends. Ironically, the one thing I did with no intention of meeting people through (taking up boxing) had been where I've made the most new friends. But I don't know that I would have an easy time making gay friends. I live in NYC, so in theory there's plenty of opportunity, but it still requires quite a bit of putting yourself out there. Right now my best friend is gay, but he's also 18. My brother is gay, but he's 23. And I know a couple of other gay guys but we aren't close at all, though I think if I randomly suggested hanging out, they'd take me up on it and perhaps introduce me around to their friends and such. It seems do-able, but the part of me that's forever afraid of being alone still has a discomfort with the whole idea. But man, letting fear stop me from doing things has always just been a thing and it sucks.
Golly, I would think that too. I know I found quite a few local groups on Facebook, and I think PFLAG has branches everywhere. At least at my local meeting there were some actual homosexual people there, not just families. They were all very knowledgeable about where to go and how to meet others. There simply has to be something in such a huge town... I found that one search kept leading to another... keep trying!! (*hug*)
I was goi g to say a similar thing as Cap. You know I think you're brave and you really have come so far! There's really no rush. Take each step one at s time. And another piece of advice that someone gave on here once, sometimes it's best to make connections through activities... You can look for lgbt groups that fo things you like, like hiking or a book club or something like that. The focus in that case is on enriching your life by getting out and doing things you love while getting to know other prople as you do.
Just a little thing here but... You're 50 and believe that you won't find anyone. The woman I am thoroughly infatuated with is also 50. And she lights up my day every time I see her.
