I guess there will come a point where being bi will start to feel like just another facet of me, and I won't be obssessing over every little bit of it. But I think that later phase is something I fear. It took me 26 years since my first female attraction at age 10, to say to myself, I am queer, I love queer me, I want more of queer me, I want to express queer me, I want to explore queer me, I want to dwell on all the queer things about me and all that it means for me. And here I am, looking and behaving and living like I'm straight, not having much way to explore, introspect, and pursue being queer, let alone, just have that facet of me just be part of me, my inner and outer life. I don't ever want to go back. I just want to be able to have more of this in my life, and the dream would be after I've had my burst of exploration to have it just be a part of me that is not hidden, but not always at the front of my mind, just simply part of my life. What scares me more than anything is that I'll never have the first or the second stage of living as a queer that comes with embracing my orientation. F*, how did I f* myself so badly and put myself in this f*ing het prison? ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 12:31 AM ---------- Just realised - this may not be clear if you haven't seen my other million posts or just don't know who I am as a poster - I'm married to a man and we have a kid....that's why just f*ing being queer seems impossible.
My immediate though is: are you talking about this with your hysbane? Sorry if I've missed other posts where you might have shared that already. I'm thinking that being queer, knowing that you're queer, is such a joy and something that you want to share with others. Love, attraction, excitemenr, unterest, identity (how we dress and how we feel, f ex) are a big part of life and we want to share how we feel and who we are with others. So you're feelung "more, more" right now. Do you feel you are able to be more fully you (if that makes sense) within your marriage? I assume that you feel facets of you that we're hidden before are out in the light now, and you want people to know who you are. Here's a suggestion - Could you make a concrete list of things you want right now? Even if you won't do them, just a list of things your heart is telling you. Like perhaps, "I want to kiss a woman"
Hugs... (*hug*) I so completely relate to your feelings. I am still hopeful for you. Simply because you are doing the very challenging introspection that I know from experience leads to a more fulfilling life. Keep talking to us and to anyone in your real world who exemplifies fulfillment and courage. I know you will learn to always hear what your inner voice is saying. (&&&)
(&&&) In the end, you, and the rest of us, are going have to do what we need to do. I know you are struggling with your marriage. The question is, can you do it on your own? Can you be a single parent? The answer is YES! I've done it. I did it with five young children, the youngest 3months old. It's hard, but it can be done Will he help with the kids if you go this route? Will he support you all? If you don't want to, or can't go that route, can you get some time away? Is a trial separation an option? I can feel your pain. You are going to have to do something to look after yourself, somehow. I really wish I was nearby to help.
When I first came out to friends in college as bi/gay, it became that thing about myself that everybody knew. I was very open about it, almost too open. I think I thought it was the most interesting thing about me and made me stand out from everybody else (I went to a very straight school, there were maybe 10 gay kids out in the open). It was my identity for a long time. And I held onto that even into my first relationship with a woman. To the point where at times when she'd describe me jokingly to friends as "straight with a side of gay," I'd get really annoyed and angry with her. Because if there's one thing I know I'm not, it's straight. After we broke up, and when I started dating my now fiancée, I stopped talking about it again. She wasn't comfortable with me being bi, so I tried to just ignore it. Hard part is I'm way more attracted to guys and as time passes, I'm realizing I'm probably more likely gay than bisexual. I've started to be more open about it again, telling new friends I've made in the past three years, etc. It is weird feeling, like I'm coming out of the closet again but not really. I think I could settle into not talking about it per se, but I probably need more going on in my life that I can talk about with people so that this doesn't feel like my only identity again. And I also feel like if I were with a guy, I'd care a lot less if people knew or not. It's funny, at the boxing gym the other day, I got into a conversation in the locker room with a guy who I know a little from coming to training for a few months. Really nice guy, big biker looking older dude. He asked me about my wedding, making small talk. I told him I'm having second thoughts, but didn't mention me questioning my sexuality since he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would understand. So I ask him eventually if he's married and he says yes, for about a year. I asked how it was going and he says to be honest something changed and he and his husband are having issues...HUSBAND?! I about fell over! If this wasn't the ultimate don't judge a book by its cover lesson, I don't know what is. I loved how he just subtly said it, it's just a fact, no big deal whatsoever. I want to be that guy! And yes, after he told me that, I opened up to him about my sexuality. That was nice. I look forward to seeing him at the gym again.
I totally relate, of course. Bjedi, I agree with poster above: I think a concrete list would make people like you and me feel better. Nebulous longing is really distracting, at least for me. COS, i don't know your life, so please pardon my bluntness, but take it from me and the other married Bi's that a wedding is easier to call off than a marriage if you think you might be headed that way... ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 09:24 AM ---------- Also bjedi, one thing I said to my therapist is "why am I complaining about the closet I'm in? I laid every brick myself!" She, full of compassion, reminded me that I really didn't know what it was going to mean to me later.
This is such helpful concrete advice and I'm going to use it, thank you . I have been talking to my husband but our talks move at such a snail's pace, it's just unbearable. Also, from just knowing him, as well as his reactions so far, he is (while loving, accepting and supportive), not very open to pretty much most of the things I feel I need to do to embrace this. Most people aren't open to letting their spouse see/kiss other people, so I get that, but he is hesitant about me coming out (which I've been foing anyways ), about me being vocal, about bringing my feelings/desires into the bedroom (porn, erotica, etc), and is generally finding this whole thing stressful and would prefer it have the most minimum impact on us as possible. Anyway, I'm going to write that list...it's going to be a long list... :icon_bigg: You pretty much summed up my feelings of elation yet frustration with this whole new embracing of my sexuality. I just wish I could get my husband to view this as a n exciting opportunity to grow together...if that were true I'd be certain that we could stay together through it all, even if it meant some compromises would have to be made. But as it stands I'm really contemplating divorce or adultery.. But it just doesn't have to be that way, it makes me so frustrated to think I either have to squelch this part of me forever or walk away from my husband. It's so frustrating :bang: ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 06:27 AM ---------- Thank you Snowshoe!! I'm just feeling at the moment like all of my options are filled with just crappy outcomes. Like continuing on with husband as normal - maybe I could slowly or at some point get the things I want for myself to be a part of our life together, but maybe I wouldn't...and who knows how much compromise it would entail. Or another option is leaving him, but that means my kiddo no longer has that home with her mom and dad. I understand that people make it work all the time... My parents had an amicable split, and it's not ruined my life. But I just want to not go that route for her sake if I can help it. And then there's just the option of do all the things I want whether he likes them if not, including pursuing women... We csn all see where the issues lie in that. Feeling so lost about this all.
My only advice on this very difficult and painful topic is this: We already have so much shame about what we want versus what society wants for us. It will only compound your shame if you do something you feel is wrong. Find out what right and wrong means to you. (*hug*)
It sounds like you have some tough choices in your future. I can definitely relate, though in my case it was easier to make the decision to divorce because our relationship had a bunch of other issues. I feel for both you and your husband. For you, this is an exciting new adventure, but for him, it's just scary. Open relationships can be great for some people, but they're not for everyone. Are you guys in counselling? It sounds like you could use some professional help to guide you through this. Even if you decide to end it, a therapist can help you navigate that.
Thanks for the comfort and support . I can, I believe I can do it on my own. My husband for his part would be there for us, and would always be a good dad. But I'm just so hoping it doesn't have to go that way. As I'm answering all of your posts, I'm starting to thinki maybe I need to approach my husband with a 5 year trial period of our marriage (sounds ludicrous but I'm thinking it may be sensible), where we work on redefining how we approach our marriage, and if we feel that either of us aren't able to make it work we work towards s m arrangement where we can duvorce but each be able to enjoy custody equally with our daughter, and in general plan out the leadt painful divorce possible for her. Oh god, is this what it's coming to? ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 06:44 AM ---------- I just want to say I agree with Cap, being bi, married and having squashed that part of me for too long, I'll just say I'm not happy with the way that's been playing out for me. I wish you the best of luck in everything. At the very least, just think hard about your choice, I hope in the end whatever you do makes you feel fulfilled. ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 06:46 AM ---------- Thanks Cap , I'm definitely going to be compiling a list. Your therapist's advice too, is something I really needed to hear. I have to keep telling myself stuff like that, and trying not to be too hard on the me of the past. ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 07:00 AM ---------- You're right, Snowshoe, I know it. I feel like this choice would be so much clearer if we didn't have a kid. I know ive got to let myself find fulfillment. But I don't want that to come at any costs to my daughter . ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2015 at 07:03 AM ---------- I get that this is scary for my husband, I'm trying to be understanding. We aren't in counselling, but I'm starting counselling in 2 days for me. I'm kind of counting down the days! I can't wait for therapy.
Just wanted to let you know that I get it too. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stay, and a big one to go. I hope therapy can help you work through everything. And like I said elsewhere, 4-5 months ago, I felt like I was making no headway, but last night my husband said that he realizes that monogamy was set up for patriarchal reasons and probably isn't the way humans would behave by default. We aren't doing anything differently, but at least we've moved the conversation a bit.
baristajedi As someone who has not been afraid to ask the challenging questions I'm wondering if your out status "Almost fully out!" coupled with your decision to come out on FB with a bisexual graphic may be a factor in your husband's reaction here? It seems you are coming out pretty fast ...
Wow, those are strong words. It resonates with me, because I definitely felt like I was trapped in a het prison when I was married, too. So I understand! At one point, I was like, how the f*ck did I get here? For me, the answer was to divorce. But I didn't have kids to think about, I had a wonderful girlfriend waiting for me, and I had problems with control/abuse in my marriage that needed to be dealt with. So, for me, the decision was pretty clear and I felt so incredibly free when I finally left. But even saying that, it wasn't easy to leave. Not at first, anyway. So I can imagine how hard it is for you right now, Baristajedi...all I can do is send you hugs and tell you to be patient with yourself and keep working on yourself, and eventually the answers will come... (*hug*)
You've got a really good point... To me this doesn't feel fast, I've been wrestling with this since the age of 10. But yeah I can see that from the outside it seems abrupt and really fast.[COLOR="Silver" [SIZE=1]---------- Post added 12th Oct 2015 at 11:32 PM ----------[/SIZE] [/COLOR][quote="bi2me, post: 6067096"]Just wanted to let you know that I get it too. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stay, and a big one to go. I hope therapy can help you work through everything. And like I said elsewhere, 4-5 months ago, I felt like I was making no headway, but last night my husband said that he realizes that monogamy was set up for patriarchal reasons and probably isn't the way humans would behave by default. We aren't doing anything differently, but at least we've moved the conversation a bit..[/QUOTE] Wow, I'm impressed at your husband's growth. ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2015 at 11:36 PM ---------- Thanks for the understsnding words. I Think I've got to stay optimistic that my husband an I can grow together. And the truth is, divorce is an option and I have to remember that too, in the end of it doesn't work out, I'm not trapped.
Baristajedi, I have read your other posts, and my sense is you are standing still waiting for your husband to come around instead of pressing forward and taking a proactive approach. That said, you mentioned in a post that you are going to see a therapist. This is a great step forward. I do hope that evolves into you and your husband seeing a therapist together. But I trust you recognize it will be up to you to convince him to go. You have stated he is not willing to, and that is a massive red flag to me in of itself (along with your other comments about his attitude). Sometimes, to press forward, you need to take a stand. And I believe this is one of those times. If you are not prepared to leave, and convince your husband that he has put his relationship with you at jeopardy, and you and your husband do not take active steps together, then you will continue to stand still. No amount of posting on EC will change that. Its up to you to get to where you want to go; not your husband, not all of us on EC whom are happy to be there as an ear and encourage you. And sometimes, when the stakes are high, whats required is for you to put it all on the line. I hope you do not take this as being too harsh. But I am speaking my conscious based on my own personal experience - to get to where I am, I had to put it all on the line; and I am all the more happier for it.
Hearing that he isn't keen on therapy... I think something important to realize is that he (and any spouse finding themselves in this situation) could also be asking the question, "should I stay or should I go?" He isn't scenery, he's a human with his own needs also. I am not a person to ask for marital advice - ha! - but I know my own problems arose when I didn't fully appreciate the other person's personhood and needs. I am sure that he would be loathe to verbalize such doubt if he had it. Just as you are. Words like that stay in the air.
