Is it right to get to a point where any guilt and regrets seem to disappear? I have reached a point of indifference with my former wife and she is doing, as I expected, well on her own. As I have stated before, I even think she is doing better today independently than when we were together. I have accepted that my kids will make their own decisions about the type of relationship they want with me as they are young adults and should otherwise make those decisions. I no longer feel a need to "make up for lost time" with them. My own life is moving on and I am thinking into the future again. Thinking about where I want to be in life, 5, 10, even 15 years from now, rather than just focusing on managing the present. I seem to be asking myself for permission to eliminate the guilt and regret. By doing so, I think I just gave myself that permission.
I know I'm totally in favor of that! :icon_bigg For me that feeling has simply come with age, realizing that none of the truly insane things I did have destroyed my life. But I also think queerfolk have more than our share of guilt and regret, especially if we didn't have some magical ability to just be ourselves right out of the gate. I say yay!!!! :eusa_danc(!):eusa_danc
All good points. I am at a decision sector myself with guilt at the forefront. Do I stay married after 30+ years and continue to feel that I'm not doing my wife or myself any good service as I can only give her part of me. Or do I amicably as possible divorce and we go our separate ways. Most difficult as she is my best friend and does know of my tendencies but now needs a decision one way or the other which or course is certainly fair. She is gone for the week so that I can make this decision, if I had the courage 30 years ago I would not have put her through this but that is the past and I must deal with the future. I realize this is a very personal decision I must make but certainly would take on any thoughts. Thanks, DC
DC270, This question you ask is very personal and difficult. As someone who identifies as gay, I've chosen to divorce so that my wife and I can live authentic lives. It takes great courage to come out at midlife, so you certainly have courage. The world was a different place today than 30 years ago in terms of gay acceptance. You probably heard lessons of shame from parents, church, and society that being gay is bad. It's not your fault if you reacted to these messages with denial or by entering the closet. This is a logic consequence of the homophobia you grew up with. Since you are new to EC, might I suggest that you start a new, separate thread for this personal and difficult discussion?
It seems as though you are growing into yourself. Becoming to terms with who you are and what you want to be. I think it is a very positive step forward.
Absolutely. Get rid of the guilt and regret! They are just taking up space that you need for better things. I had a lot of guilt when I left my marriage -- how could I hurt my husband like this, why didn't I know this basic truth about myself sooner, why did I just figure it out after spending 10 years in a hetero marriage, etc. But emotions like that are just a waste of time. I came to my truth when I was ready for it; everything happens in its own time. I felt selfish, I felt impulsive...but I actually wasn't either of those things, and I needed to cut myself some slack. Sure, it was painful at first, but after we got through it, we found that separating was the best thing for both of us. We have both moved on and are both much happier and more fulfilled now. If your ex-wife is doing better now than when you were together, then that right there proves you have nothing to feel guilty about! Giving yourself permission to jettison the guilt and regret is the best gift you can give yourself, and I think it is positive and healthy! (*hug*)
