He couldn't even handle that...

Time and baby steps. Sorry it didn't go well, maybe he needs time to ponder.

 

Oh god. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you. I don't know how to make this better.
He is hiding, and maybe scared of losing you. But if he doesn't let you explore this, he has lost you anyway.
I think you need to do what you need to do. Without his approval or permission. Or knowledge.
I feel like you are desperately unhappy and that isn't good for you, or your kids. You need to find a way, someway, of getting some freedom. You know you can talk to us on here, anytime. This is where I wish we could add contact details.
Do what you have to do for yourself. He is putting himself out of the equation IMO

 

It could be. However, keep in mind that this is something that is completely new for him. It's not the baristajedi he knows, and seeing you so confident as this "new person" might scare him a little. It's potentially threatening too. Is he not enough for you? etc. He might need you to reassure him that you really do care about him, and want to be with him if that's what you want. Also, you've been in this process for a long time, you've accepted it and grown familiar with it. He needs time to learn what it is and what his feelings are.

I think you'll find that you'll both go through different stages in the time to come, emotions and reactions might not turn up right away in a given moment but a little later, and feelings may change and evolve etc.

So hang in there (*hug*)

 

Wow, this is harsh. I see a lot of this attitude here, and it really bothers me. I TOTALLY understand what it's like to feel trapped and helpless in a straight relationship. Did it for 8.5 years and wouldn't wish it on anyone. But our partners/ex-partners don't deserve to be spoken about this way or cheated on. Of course it's hard to find out your partner is questioning their sexuality and wants to explore it. Wouldn't you guys feel threatened if you were on the other side of it?

By the time we admit to our feelings, we've already been thinking about it for years. For the partner on the other side of it, it's all new and they need some time to process. And they're left wondering whether they're going to end up getting left behind - a totally natural fear. It doesn't make them a bad person. Everyone has limits to what they can and can't accept in a relationship. The least we can do is to give them time to think it over.

 

Well, it may seem harsh to you, but not to me. Having a husband who doesn't even want to listen at all? Baristajedi is really struggling and her husband is not thinking of her feelings at all with this. Am I telling her to cheat? No. This has been an ongoing conversation over quite a few threads. I am suggesting that she needs to look after herself, and do what she has to to maintain her own wellbeing. That means, if her husband refuses to accept the situation, at all, which is what he appears to be doing right now, she needs to find a way to deal with that. I have, in another thread, suggested a trial separation as an option. For the future.
And she should not need his permission to go out and join a support group, for instance. Would he give her permission? I doubt it right now. Does he need to know if she joins one? No.
And if he continues to refuse to accept the situation, then she needs to do what is best for her.
Whatever that is.
If he buries his head in the sand, he is ignoring her needs and wishes and thoughts. He is showing a lack of care and support. At some point, she needs to look after herself if he won't.

 

baristajedi,

What's stopping you from leaving your husband? Have you developed a list of the pros and cons of staying versus leaving, and then develop a critical path to achieve personal satisfaction under both scenarios comparing staying or leaving. Then weigh the two against each other?

Understandably, your reflecting a lot of emotion with your predicament. Maybe trying to separate your emotion from a more quantitative approach may help you make the decisions you need to make.

I am not suggesting one decision is better than the other, I just want to see you move forward with you life in a way that will make you happy.

 

There is no absolute right way to handle this situation (coming out while in a mixed-orientation relationship / marriage). Each person on EC has their own set of values which determines the right course for them. We should accept and respect this diversity. I feel it is inappropriate to judge folks because they suggest / have taken a course different from what you would have done.

It has been my experience that the straight spouse needs time to process the message - lots of time. This is new to him, and we've had months and years to accept our sexuality. The OP has opened the door and will experience a rollercoaster of emotions as her husband processes the message. I agree that cheating would exacerbate the rollercoaster ride, so the decision to do so or not should be carefully considered.

 

I have some perspective from his "side", having gone through similar myself.

Right now, he's scared. He can't process this immediately. How long have you been questioning your sexuality? Did you share that with him during that time? If not, he's that far behind you in processing. Unfortunately, the only way to bring him up to speed is time.

He's scared because this is new information and he doesn't know how it fits into your marriage. He doesn't know anymore how he fits into your marriage. He may have the idea that bisexuality is the first step to gay.

Encourage him to talk to people, to vent, to journal, to talk to a therapist, anything that will get his feelings out without pressure and without unsolicited feedback. He needs to recognize his fears and concerns - step one - and then have them heard and acknowledged - step two.

On the other side, the two standard responses I've encountered from men regarding my bisexuality are - oh, I'd totally encourage you to explore that (wink, wink) - or - I'd never date a bisexual woman because I wouldn't be able to give her everything she wants/needs. Men have, to a large degree, been socialized to fetishize lesbian sex, and also to provide everything a woman could possibly want.

I know it's a hard position for him to be in, and I know male socialization actually makes it harder. I know it's a hard position for you to be in. Encourage him to talk, reassure him that you want to make decisions together that are for the best of both of you (assuming this is the case), and let him hurt. Let yourself hurt.

The best advice I've gotten through my separation? Be gentle with yourself. It's easier said than done, but we all need to remember it. Best of luck, and my thoughts are with you.

 

I think his reaction is in the realm of normal, tbh.

Think about it another way: what if he'd developed into someone who REALLY wants hardcore BDSM* in his life---practically overnight from your perspective. Like he wants to whip you with a cat o nine tails. He wants to try bloodplay. He wants to play for hours. He wants to take a knot tying class to get it just right.

And let's say you're totally vanilla by nature.

And he knows this, so naturally he wants to take it slow. But he is impatient. Why don't you want to talk about how wonderful pain is, sexually? Why don't you want try just a little more bondage? He's always been into this, he's given you countless hints!

Of course you'd be like WHAT. What am I going to do with this? Where does it end? Can I be enough?

*Obviously, being bi is not equal to being kinky (like don't hunt me down, people), but I'm just trying to make a point at how different queer attraction may seem to a straight person*

 

Sorry if this has been asked before, been a lot of threads on your situation, so I can not recall. Have you guys been to couples counseling together?

 

I agree with others here that he is probably feeling threatened and scared about what it all means. He definitely needs time to ingest the information.

It may be that he never comes to accept it, though, and that is okay too. He is allowed to not want that in your marriage at all. If that is the case, though, it may mean that you will need to separate in order for both of you to find the happiness that you need. Since you mentioned a desire to "make a life" with a woman, that would be pretty impossible in your current situation, so you would need to figure out how important that is to you right now, and also if it is something you would need in the future.

It's pretty early for that, though, as he is just now coming to terms with all of it and trying to figure out what it means for him and for your relationship.

I would say patience on your part for now and lots of communication...eventually, you will both get to a place where you each know where your "baseline" is, and you can make decisions from there.

And therapy is a great idea, too!

 

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Nope. I've asked him to go to counselling numerous times, and he's never been willing to do it. I'm going to counselling starting tomorrow for myself, and I'm so happy to get started. I think now I feel like focusing on me, and perhaps after s little time in therapy for myself I'll try agsin to convince him to do couples counselling.[/QUOTE]



Sounds like an excellent approach!

 

Some people just aren't that interested in varying shades of sexuality. They don't find it that interesting or meaningful. They are content with either very little sex or very vanilla sex or both. They like comfortable, middle of the road sexual encounters and are not drawn to even thinking about anything else, let alone enacting it.

Lack of interest doesn't make them unhealthy, just like your interest in sexuality doesn't make you unhealthy.

If your husband is one of those types, you may have to readjust your expectations for what is possible inside the relationship, sexuality wise.

I'm not saying this to be antagonistic: it's something I've been pondering. Even when I was straight, I was always more interested in sexuality than my husband. He just doesn't want to talk about it (the straight or queer kinds) or think about it like I want to talk about it.

 

FWIW, I'm seeing baby steps from my husband and all the issues we've been discussing. He was always accepting of the fact that I had these desires, but not so much about the possibility of any kind of acting on them.

As I've slowly come to terms with what I think I want ("You may know what you want, but to get what you want, better see that you keep what you have" countered by "Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched" both from Into the Woods) and we occasionally talk about fantasies or other things I never would have mentioned a year ago, I am getting to see a slow shift in his thinking.

Just last night, we were talking (long story, but generally about porn stars and hypothetically whether they identify more as queer/non-straight compared to the general public or if it is more of a job to them than their regular sex lives) and he says that he has decided that monogamy is inherently patriarchal and that it probably isn't really the default position for humans, but is rather societally enforced. That's such a huge leap in his thinking, that I'm still kind of in shock.

Anyway, my point is that there is hope for the thinking to change and shift. Send the articles, mention the books you are reading, try to watch some of the shows/movies together (we've been watching Grace and Frankie - just 2-3 episodes so far - and it's brought a lot of feelings of sadness out in both of us), and keep talking.

Put on a slight pressure, but keep it light and gentle so you don't totally freak him out.

CC, I agree with you about some people being more interested than others in sex and sexuality. I am more interested in both doing and also learning about than my husband, but he is pretty open compared to a lot of people (at least I think he probably is), and as I bring things up, he will think about them and then we can talk at a later time about them. I'm learning that this is a good way to have a conversation with him... lots of space and time between dropping information.

I'm also trying to make sure I reassure him that I'm in no way interested in leaving him, since I'm not. I send cute/sexy texts and articles, and I make sure I tell him (especially with the Grace and Frankie stuff) that I'm not planning on leaving.