Hi all so I'm positing in this although I am not an older gay girl, rather a teenager seeking advice from experienced lgbt people I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably a lesbian however I'm madly in love with one of my friends, she's very touchy my with me, grabs my thigh and holds my hand and so on yet makes it out to be a joke, she's really sporty and out there not shy at all Presuming she is gay, she would be extremely in denial and closeted, often makes homophobic remarks in regards to lesbians in particular I can't imagine her with a guy.. Every guy she's been with has ended quickly due to her losing interest, my straight friends think it's because she gets bored easily or isn't satisfied enough with how they look and so on but I can't help but think maybe she is just not emotionally invested in them? Some times when we're out at parties, once it was just us two she kept pulling her top down showing her boobs in a sarcastic clown like manner (she's always joking around) could this just be her personality or does she like me? I've posted in here to hear your experiences with yourself or others where they have been in denial, or had a hard time accepting their sexuality but acting the opposite way Did you ever pursue someone who was like this and once acted like they weren't? Please give me advice thanks I think maybe we both send mixed signals.. I get with lots of guys, have sex with many and even had a boyfriend at one stage yet all I do is think about girls and her in particular but I'm femme so everyone would be shocked if I came out especially because no one would assume I'm gay but I just feel this connection with her
Hey there, I'm not super experienced but I'm in my late 20s so maybe I can offer some perspective or a framework to think about this. I dated a lot of dudes over the years but was always unhappy for one reason or another. My first girl crush was a straight girl. She was very comfortable with physical contact, as she too was sporty and had bonded with many teammates over the years. I still partly think she might be gay but closeted because she seeks a traditional lifestyle. Nevertheless, I can't make her come out, I can't make her change her mind. I got over her by hanging out with her less. I don't know why it was so easy for me to accept my feelings: it was like suddenly she opened floodgates of emotion for me. I can't explain it. That's why I feel I am gay not bi; because that crush was transformative in a way crushes on guys just never were. So at first I held out hope that love would conquer all and we'd end up together; but then I realized that's stupid, there are plenty of fish, and if she doesn't want to come out of the closet (or if she isn't even in a closet) then so be it. Getting over her was tough, of course, but it opened me up to dating so many other wonderful people. I'd never enjoyed a one night stand before, and I had one with a girl who was in town for the weekend, and THAT was even fun! Being gay made dating fun like being straight never had. I could present myself how I wanted and meet up with great people. Not every women I went on dates with was great; I had some "meh" dates, of course. But overall I enjoyed it more. MY POINT IS, we don't know how she feels. Some girls are flirty because they are trying to release that energy; some girls are flirty because they just find it fun. Some girls say homophobic things because they believe them and are in denial; others just say them without being closeted. I've met both kinds of people over the years. It's just impossible to say what she's going through. What we can know is how you feel, and what signals you're sending. Ask yourself why you get with so many guys: is it to forget about how you feel about girls? Your femme-ness is a separate thing; you don't have to be butch to be gay. But if you're getting with guys and being femme just to please others, then that's of course going to confuse any other potential love interests. I don't know how it is in Brisbane regarding coming out in high school, but if you feel safe, start by telling a friend or two that you really trust about your feelings. It's possible she's still in huge denial, or it's possible that you're just seeing what you want to see (story of my gay life!). Either way, the only thing you can control is what's going on at your end; it's never too early or late to be true to yourself. That sounds cheesy, but dude I wish I'd done it years ago and spared myself a lot bullsh*t. Hope this helps a bit?
Thanks a lot for your advice, my feelings for her are extremely strong and way stronger than anything I have ever felt for a guy. I'm no way near ready to come out, even to a close friend because I'm still frightened to accept the fact that I am gay. I come from a traditional family lifestyle/background aswell as does she and I drive myself crazy trying to figure her out. I think the reason I mess around with so many guys is to try convince myself I like them and partly to get over her/forget about her but it's been 2 years and hasn't worked :/
Hey there. I just wanted to chime in to say that my first crush ever was on a straight woman who crossed ALL KINDS OF BOUNDARIES usually observed within friendships. She was my roommate for a while in college and she liked to make out with me at parties because people would freak out about it. When people freaked we'd both make it very clear we were straight and just liked to party. The whole thing was kind of excruciating (in ways I wasn't willing to admit at the time). What you are describing sounds pretty excruciating too. I'm sorry that's where you are right now, and I think wanderinggirl had lots of good and sane insights and advice.
wangderinggirl and yeehaw are bringing you excellent advice. I feel for you in your situation! Ultimately though, if she's not willing to meet you halfway, she may have legitimate reasons but for your own heart it may be best to move on.
You sound EXACTLY like me when I was about 16. I started having sex with guys to convince myself (and others) I was normal. I am 33 now. 7 months ago I finally came out as a lesbian after forming a relationship with my best friend. Both of us are actually married to men and have kids and its 500% complicated and a heartache very often. You are ahead of me in that you have actually admitted to yourself that you are a lesbian, and even reached out to those of us on this board and shared how you feel. When I was your age (and WOW, things were different back then, and I think that's most of why I acted how I did, and REFUSED to even ALLOW myself to begin to acknowledge that I was not straight). I know my life couldn't have been paved any other way and I wouldn't trade my child for anything, but I always torture myself for not just allowing myself to be me from the start. It would have been hard, yes, but it also would have saved me a lot of the heartache and pain Ive gone through over the years and put my husband through, etc. You have admitted it to yourself! That's a start. I know its frightening, and I wish I could go back and make myself be strong enough to be me. I hope you are able to find a way to be peaceful with your true self.
I second what Yeehaw, Capcolors, and Kate say. I will add this: you can choose to come out to yourself and stay in the closet for your own safety, until you leave home. First things first: worry about your safety. If you're not sure whether you'll have support once you come out, then wait. But it sounds to me like you''re ready to admit to yourself at least that you're not exactly on the "straight" and narrow. You don't have to start telling people in real life if you don't want to. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I slept with a lot of guys. I joked that if I had too long of a dry spell I'd start going for girls. Ha. Joke's on me. It didn't work.
