How do I move from heart ache to joy?

Children are resilient, if you show them love, they will rebound and adjust to a new environment. Being unhappy for the sake of your child should not be a viable long term strategy, as I believe your child can be happy even if you seperate. So assuming you evolve to agree with that, the question or is what is the cost for you to become self fullfilled?

You mentioned in a prior thread that you did not like the fact that you had no family around as a reason to stay with your husband, but even then, is that a real reason not to live as you want to live?

Are you challenging yourself sufficiently to reach your full potential?

 

I know what you're going through. I made the decision to come out to my husband. I have two small daughters and it was not a decision I took lightly. My husband is such a good man and such an amazing father. But in the end I knew I couldn't be happy for 50+ more years with this emptiness. Could I shove it away for another 10 years? Probably. But is that fair to him? I had to present him with the facts so we could make this decision together. It's HIS life too.

That said, he is a very supportive man and my very best friend--and I knew that I'd have support and either way and we would be able to navigate this together.

I think it's just important to remember that you always have a choice. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how it can seem like there is no right decision and no clear answers. Hugs to you.

 

I agree with this. I don't think your only choices are to lose yourself or the family life that you've built for your daughter, although I understand it feels that way to you now. But you can build a new family life for your daughter, and she can grow and thrive in an environment where everyone is fulfilled and living to their full potential. Just because you separate from your husband (not saying that you will, but if you do), it doesn't mean that she won't or can't have a happy home or family life. There are other homes and families to be made.

I don't think things are necessarily as bleak as they feel right at this moment and as mellie says, you do have options, so I guess recognizing that could be one of the ways to begin moving from heartache to joy...?

Hugs! (*hug*)

 

I don't think there IS one good answer, if you're bi.

For me: I'm too busy for polyamory. I'm too into chicks for just my husband. I like being coupled too much to be single (not to mention that I do NOT want to be a single parent).

At this point I'm essentially considering my sexuality as a chronic concern that I'm going to have to manage, like my weight. There will be periods where it bothers me less rather than more, but it's always going to be something I have to actively manage, not something that I can just experience.

What a f**king pain.

 

This is making me feel sad. I'm pretty much in the same place you are, but I'm hopefully that at some point I'll figure out how to make it all work. Probably wishful thinking though...

 

Oh no! Don't be sad. You're my one good example, heh. You really seem to have your sh*t together. Your husband seems like he's coming along, and you know that polyamory is something you might want to try. Those are important things. I take comfort knowing you exist and want to be like you someday. (*hug*)

(That being said, of course feel how you want to feel, and I'll listen. I definitely know how fraught the situation is. I honestly wish I could just be gay or straight and have done with it! Being is bi is super awesome! And cool! For someone else!)

 

Keep on talking, keep on thinking..keep on exploring.

You will work this out. We all will. For me, I want everything now, not later so I'm struggling with that. I just want to get out into this new life, and I'm seeing my partner as a barrier to that and he's getting defensive. We haven't been on good terms for days. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Your daughter will love you no matter who you are. Know that. Remember that.

And be strong. Do what you need to. Your daughter needs you happy. And complete. Do what you need to do to achieve that.

 

I think these are totally normal and healthy thoughts!

As for feeling a bit lost--how could you not? No one teaches us this in bi school. I feel like in 10-20 years the world will know better what to do with us, but there isn't a great option now. That being said, that doesn't mean there AREN'T options.

My husband asked me which actresses I find hot tonight, unprompted. I told him "Kate Winslet if she let herself go a little" and he seemed kind of OK with that. Then he was like "Amy Schumer" and I was like "I probably would spend less time trying to get in her pants and more time trying to get a free personal comedy show, but sure, man. If I had the chance." Then he was like "Kelly Clarkson" and I was like "um. Yes. :icon_redf" It's funny because he and I have totally different taste in women haha. I also mentioned America Ferrera and he called me a dirty old lady because she's so young. Lol.

The whole conversation left me loving him and happy.

So small wins CAN happen.

(Apologies for objectifying you, fancy famous ladies. Also I probably spelled your names wrong.)

 

I am going to play devils advocate, so please do not take offence to this.

What your suggesting sounds reasonable on first blush. At the same time, it could also sound like a way for you to rationalise for yourself reasoning to stand still in your current situation and not push yourself forward. Even though you say you want to become more proactive, your simultaneously saying you want to take more time to do so. That sounds like a bit of a catch 22 to me and a means for justifying complacency.

Are you sure you are thinking about taking this approach because you truly need the time, or are you doing so because it's the path of least resistance, and as we all feel, change can often times be scary?

Just food for thought.

 

Do you like swimming? Or the gym? Exercise and perv in one

 

I think playing devil's advocate is good, OTH. What I'm going to say next is not directed at you specifically, but it is relevant to your comment.

**

One thing about this site is that it is by design a support site for coming out, and so the general site culture is toward "living authentically" and "being free".

This is a good thing. This is a great thing. This is what a lot of people, including bi people, need. Especially at first.

However, there aren't a ton of answers here on how to live forever in a mixed orientation relationship, which is indeed a possibility for bi people.

It's really a different beast than realizing you need to start fresh. I've seen literally three people on this site that have even come up with anything approaching a solution to living in a mixed orientation relationship. And two of them are still a bit unhappy about it.

bjedi, I've been thinking that I need to find some bi-specific information on a different site. Surely there is some wisdom out there on how to navigate this quagmire.

I'm slammed right now but I'm going to make this an ongoing project.

 

This is a healthy discussion, the openness and different views helps frame the situation and with it being framed hopefully helps people define what they are comfortable with. Sometimes we read stuff that is uncomfortable and challenging, but that in of itself can be beneficial.

I take no offence and hope no one takes offence to what I write.

And to this, I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past few hours as I have been sitting on an airplane to try and turn the perspective around; as this theme has been bothering me and I think I figured out what it is. So here it goes:

When I married, my wife expected certain things out of our relationship. Before we married, we discussed my history of sexually exploring with the same sex. When she agreed to marry me, she did so knowing that about me and understood there was a risk to our relationship as a result. She did not go into our marriage with he idea that I would come out as being gay, and that was a massive disappointment for her, but at least she had an idea. When I did come out as gay, she actually wanted to stay together. We had discussions on the prospect of such a relationship, but I concluded I was not prepared to live that way. I believe that our early discussions about my sexuality created the foundation such that when I did come out, she had always known it was a risk and was prepared already to make accommodations as a result.

When I read some of the posts about how frustrated you guys are with your spouses for the lack of understanding, what is missing from the discussion is the notion that they did not know nor anticipate such a circumstance when they married. Having a spouse that is bisexual or gay while maintaining a relationship is not something a spouse would contemplate when they get married unless the discussions and "disclosure" we're there up front.

As a result, I think it's a bit unfair the views that are being taken in regards to your spouses whom lack or might lack understanding. And I think its a bit selfish to expect them to come around with open arms. They did not factor any of this is in when they married, they never expected it, and the marriage they thought they had was not what was "advertised" so to speak.

So, what I would suggest, is to the extent your spouses have not already walked out given the circumstances, you should consider whether the criticisms towards your spouses are fair. And maybe, recognise the difficulties they are going through, and cut them some slack.

If you decide, for whatever reason, you want to stay in the relationship, and they agree to do so although it's not the relationship they thought they had, then they are being champs and deserve some applause.

If it were me, and I was in their position, I would simply have left. People love whom they love based on their perceptions of whom the spouse is. If that person turns out to be someone fundamentally different, they can be forgiven for not loving them the same.

I know what I am typing here might be harsh, but it something to consider. And I am reflecting this with sympathy for what your all going through.

 

Capcolors. Therr ARE sites outthere with info regarding mixed orientation marriage. Ive found various articles and such even therapists who work with mixed orientation couples (not in my area but in general).

ALOT of it boils down tothe openness with your spouse and being able to take the leap together, really. Ive felt alot of what the OP has said, and a lotof what you wrote inyour previous comment. Ive cometothe conclusion that mixed orientation marriages CAN work, forever? Idk but for a long time? Yes. I dont feel its inaithentic IF you can manage tolive openly while in your hetero relationship. While i KNOW that i will never be able to reciprocate the feelings i have for my husband, its not new, i never have been able to the only difference now is that i know WHY. Would i prefer to be with a woman? Ithink so. Doesthe idea ofliving life with a woman make me feel like i would explode with joy? Hell yes. The idea of spending the rest of my life with my husvand does not give me that dame feeling, and while its sad atfirst ffeeling, really when there is time for the feelings to sink inand look atwhat you want for YOUR llife, it makes things a bit moreclear.

Will I always be with my husband? Idk. But for me there is NO rush to figure this out, previosuly i felt like it needed to be squared away right now and i needed tofix it allnow. Amazingly coming out to my husband him addressing me as gay or lesbian, talking with me openly about it and not treating it like the shadow in the roomhas helped tremendously with my fears and doubts, etc.

Self discovery i feel is a roller coaster no matter what and the advice to end things so quickly, while well meaning, is not really all that helpful forsomeof us.

Live one day at a time, twke things as they come.im notorious for over worrying aboutthe future,it just cant happen with this. I was making myself crazy and have to remind myself one day at a time.

Ive not found statistics on mixed orientation marriages working long term but some do llast beyond a few years. So what if it all ends eventually, if marriage/your spouse is what you need right now to helpcopeordigure things out. Why lose that?

---------- Post added 16th Oct 2015 at 08:03 AM ----------

I didnt read all this but wanted to comment before i bring my son to school.

My husband knew i identified as bisexual when we startd dating,knew my experiences with women. But also thought it purely sexual. Qhen it old him it wasnt he was a little thrown. But also made the comment just last weekend that he has been "prepared" for this.

For us tho, we feel we can live rhis way, maybe not forever but we are okay now. He is not wholly against me nor shut down about these discussions so my lerpsective is somewhere in between yours and these guys. He knows he cannot live without sex forever, i know its likely i cannot live without a woman forever. But right now, we are okay. We are determined to do this together and be there for each other and hold each other up when thibgs are too dark. We've only ever been able to rely on each othersince we were kids and we feel we will continue to do so.for me being told i must leave as its not fair to him (been being told this for a very long time) does notgive him near wnough credit with his decision making and that HE can decide such things for himself.

 

That's a tough one.

For me, I had put ten years into my marriage and even longer into the relationship, so I did not take divorce lightly. I knew it was going to be a big change. But for me, it wasn't merely about sex, or even my sexuality, per se, but about who I was in love with, and that wasn't my husband. So me staying in the marriage and prolonging things just wasn't going to help anybody. I needed to free myself, yes, but I also needed to free him.

As for making a mixed orientation marriage work, I kind of see two ways it could go: either you stay monogamous and not sleep with any women (just like you wouldn't sleep with any other men), or you open it up and both partners are free to do whatever. The open thing is tricky, though, because there is just SO much potential for heartache when someone inevitably develops feelings for one person over the other, etc. I think it could be a dangerous road to go down. Not saying it couldn't work, but I would think there's probably an expiration date on it. I don't know how sustainable that is in the long run. I know I couldn't do it.

Everyone's relationship is different, though, and everyone has to come their answers on their own and in a way that works for them.
(*hug*)

 

I kindafeel jealous ofthosethat were already in love with something when they discovered it. Seems...easier? Maybe notthe right word but you have that there you KNOW what you are leaving your marriage dor, you know? And ithink I'd see differently ifiwas inlove with another woman. Butim not and have never been in a relationship with a woman.

Wecant have an open marriage we've discussedthis again recently, im afraid i would fall deeply for a female and would not be ableto manintain our marriage at all.

Im not aure how suatainable it is now, but its far better for me that we came to this answer fornowon oir own vs people making it seem like we must divorce because we arent compatable or some such thing. We never have been in that way really. We arebest friends that married so i dont know whats changed now that i am learning who i am.

---------- Post added 16th Oct 2015 at 09:02 AM ----------

It just doesnt seem constructive or helpful to hear your marriage isdoomed or you need to leave when thats not what you are after orready for? Ithink most people in these situations know this in someway but i dont think its always helpful tohearthis over and over and seems less supportive ofthe situation as awhole

 

I have said much the same thing in other threads, so I'm certainly not offended by your main point, which as I understand it is to cut the straights some slack.

Indeed, the reason I was terrified to come out to my husband was precisely because I thought breaking up our marriage was a possibility. I had no idea how he was going to take it.

I had faith in my husband, though. "Just leaving" because someone is bi is pretty harsh if they intend to remain faithful. Your wife didn't "just leave" you even though you came out as gay; you guys worked it out after considering a number of options.

*I am a LITTLE offended by the subtle insinuation that people who get into mixed orientation marriages and then become unhappy deserve it because they were hiding something, but let's set that aside for now because I don't know that you intended that read or if I'm being too sensitive.

 

Yeah, I can understand that. I knew because I was ready to know. You are not there yet, and your situation is different. I totally get that.

I probably did have it easier in some ways because I found this love. I'm not sure what I would have done if I didn't have this woman in my life. My marriage was troubled anyway (abuse/control issues), but if this hadn't happened, I could totally see myself staying in it for much longer than I did.

And I understand your fears of an open marriage...I would feel the same way.

Everyone has to find their own way on their journey, and one person's correct path is not necessarily right for someone else. It would certainly be easier if there was a guidebook or something! All we can really do is share our own stories, and maybe that will resonate with others, and maybe it won't. I believe that you will get to what your truth is, and it may not be same as my truth...and that's okay. As long as it is right for you, that's all that matters. (*hug*)