got a partner before a divorce- ok or not

Looking back, my first boyfriend after coming out had all the trademarks of a rebound relationship. It was doomed to fail. My current partner has the makings of a long lasting and lifetime relationship.

In your case, I would guess that remaining at home just adds to the complexities, but in your case, I imagine still living at home with your new partner would magnify those complexities exponentially, regardless of the age of your partner. That's a difficult environment for her to be in.

 

Yeah, I would think that all of you living together like that could be very awkward...I'm not sure how that would work.

As far as the partner goes, I think it's different for everyone. There is no one set way. She could be the one for you, or she could not. I found my partner before my divorce too, and it was accidental...I just kind of fell into it as well.

I am still with her. In fact, I'm married to her now. So it was not a rebound thing for me. I know we are in it for the long haul.

But that's me...everyone is different, and only you would know what your relationship with her is like. You mentioned that she has issues, so that could affect things, depending on what the issues are and if she/you are working on them or not. Also, as OntheHighway says, living in that house with all of you could also add the stresses of your relationship with her. I think those things might affect the success potential of the relationship more than whether it happened before or after your divorce.

 

Agree with OTH starting a relationship while on the coming out high is not a good idea ... not sure if that's the case with the OP.

You should run this by a divorce attorney as well ... having your partner live with you and your husband seems potentially tricky.

 

Well I sort of fell into my relationship with my girlfriend as well, we were best friends who fell in love and everything just happened from there, this was 7 months ago. We are both still married to our husbands, meaning we still technically are married but we are basically each just living with them for the kids. Neither of us has any type of relationship with the husband other than trying to just get along for the kids, and each of us have given them permission to seek someone else. Neither husband is 100% thrilled, but they somewhat accept it and don't prevent us from having our relationship. Working for now. Eventually we want to start a new life together, but for now with the kids still so little divorce would be more complicated. But it is hard bc the person Im in love with is not the person I live with and I miss her so much at night when we aren't together. Its extremely complicated. If I had a crystal ball a year ago today and looked to my life right now, boring and ordinary as it was right then, I would have swore the crystal ball was f**ked up, no way could my life be what it is now in a year (from then). We do get to spend a lot of time together, while the kids are at school, and we run my business together, so we do get time together, and its great. But its so hard at the same time. My husband is jealous, and Im sure hers is too. I have no clue what will happen from here but Im hopeful me & her will further our relationship, as Ive never felt as emotionally AND physically connected to someone ever before and everything we do just feels right and perfect.

 

Wow cate, that sounds hard. If the husbands are jealous and angry, is that good for the kids? They must sense the tension, no?

I understand the strong bond and the emotional and physical connection...I have that too. Hugs! (*hug*)

 

It is totally hard! Beyond complicated. There are way more complications to our situation I wont say on this forum to keep identity safe, but it has been a very trying year! But at the same time, forming the relationship I have with her has been the most empowering and eye opening experience of my entire life, so I have to take the downs with the ups I guess.

 

You can't judge things by what other people are doing. My STBX does this quite often and it drives me insane. Throughout our marriage she would tell me what other people say or do, I reminded her; we are not they, they do not live our lives, pay our bills, nor raise our children. Likewise with your relationship, it is the two of you, not anyone else.

I did have a relationship with a person that we both went into knowing I was totally new to the experience of being in a relationship with a man. We made a pledge to not lose track of that, but not let it run the show. We had a tremendous time . It lasted several weeks, and then, one night, we pretty much knew it was time to end it. Then I met someone "quite by accident" (as it seems others have too) and that is truly something amazing.

Best of luck to you.

 

I too met someone quite by accident. I had come out to my wife a few months before he and I met online, and he was trying to work up the nerve to come out to his at the time. Neither of us had even the slightest intention if either getting into a relationship or sowing any gay wild oats. We met in person the day after he came out to her and she told him the marriage was over; my wife seemed intent on making me feel as guilty as possible without actually filing for divorce. Within a couple weeks it was clear that he and I had something special, and once he got his own apartment after the divorce was final (only 6 months after we met), I made it clear that I'd be visiting him regularly and would be spending nights there. It was strange and awkward to be sure--and yet my wife never did file on her own. I had to do it a few months after he got his apartment and still lived at the house until just recently. I moved in with him a couple weeks ago and we're very happy, after being together for over a year and a half with no signs of being anything but more in love with each other--even though our lives are a whirlwind of dad taxi rides and band competitions and gymnastics lessons and parent teacher conferences.

I was fully prepared for the possibility that this would be a rebound relationship, but he and I are both loners who really only connect with people unless we're positive it's exactly right. And it is. (With the exception of our wives, but we were as sure as we could be at the time.) The point is - life can take you in directions you absolutely don't expect, and they could be wonderful. But you won't know unless you take some chances. They don't have to be off the wall or dangerous or desperate. Look to your heart and try to do what seems to be the right thing. It may not be about what you want or expect, but if you don't change anything....nothing ever changes.

I won't say my ex-wife was or is happy. Neither is his. But they weren't happy before either, and the difference is that now he and I ARE. And my kids are adjusting well and, I think, respect me more because I'm not being a doormat to their mother, and they can see I am happy with my life now. And his kids are beginning to see their father as something besides the unlovable jerk that their mother constantly portrayed him as, and they're young enough that he has much more of a chance at a relationship with them than he did before.

Maybe don't LOOK for a partner before the divorce. Look for a friend. And deal with what happens. It may be done in weeks, or it may be the love of your life. Just don't close yourself to the possibilities.

 

Wow, Choirboy, what a beautiful story. It brought tears to my eyes! (*hug*)

 

When I met my wife, I was already in a relationship with a man. He and I were living together. We split up, but he was still living with me while he found a new place to stay, and while I began seeing the woman who is now my wife. He moved out and now lives a happy, successful life, and I am happy with my lady. It can work out if the relationship is meaningful. Circumstances do not determine the viability of a partnership.

 

If it feels right, take the chance. Don't live with the regret of not taking that risk.

 

Truth. I always say that we don't know if we are going to get an afterlife, so we'd better be happy in this one!

 

I disagree with pretty much everyone here. I don't think that sounds like a healthy situation for your kids. I don't think it sounds healthy for the adults either, but hey, you're adults and you can decide that for yourselves.

What strikes me as really off is that you've brought this person into your kids' lives so soon. If you're going to introduce a partner to your kids, you need to be pretty darn sure the relationship is stable and likely to last. It's not fair for your kids to have to endure a rotation of partners living in their home. Why on earth does this person need to live with you at this stage?

I'm probably coming across as harsh, but I really have no patience for grown adults who can't put their kids first. You say that *you* just have to deal with the ups & downs, but *you* are not the most important person here, your *kids* are. They're dealing with it too.

I'm not saying any of this because I have a problem with nontraditional living arrangements - I really don't at all. I have friends with kids who live in poly households and make it work. But they all did it in a very careful, gradual manner, with lots of discussions and checking in with each other and the kids to make it go as smoothly as possible. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening with you guys.

I don't think you have to break up with your partner, but you do need to take a big step back and do things in the right order.

 

I too fell quickly into a relationship with my gf shortly after splitting with my husband and similarly worried about jumping in with both feet given all the research to be happy on your own first. My marriage was definitely over and he had moved out. It was a couple of months before I introduced my kids to her as my friend and probs about four months before I said she was my gf and we were openly affectionate in front of them. I think as it was gradual and they got to know her they just accepted her. I have four kids and had no issues whatsoever so far.

Not long after this she started staying over a lot and we decided that in terms of discipline she had to be able to tell them off etc so we started as we meant to go on. It then wouldn't send mixed messages to the kids. We still do have many times where she tells them off and they come to me but I back her up, same as when I lived with their dad. I think if their dad was living in the same house as me and my gf and the kids as you are, it wouldn't be a good environment. Your gf will be having a hard time being a parent as you're not backing her and your ex won't like her disciplining the kids. You're stuck in a hard place. If your gf is in it for the long haul she needs to be allowed to be a step parent or the kids won't respect her. If she's not she shouldn't be there. Just my opinion. Personally I think if you and your gf want to give it a proper go you need your ex to move out and give the kids a proper structure and boundaries. They must be confused.

My gf and I are pretty much living together now and they stay with their dad 1-2 times per week. They've all adapted really well but I think the crux of that is because we've provided them with consistency and stability and they can see how happy and more present I am with them since my gf came into our lives. I wish you all the best as you're in a tough situation and just trying to do the best you can xx

 

Hi latenlife. Wow, what an interesting home you have and I commend you and your husband for putting the kid's needs first. The situation sounds complicated but you say you and your husband and partner are getting along so you must be doing something right. I'm unclear why a divorce is necessary if you are all living together and getting along. I have no experience with this but it seems that more and more we are hearing about mixed families that are making it work. What I have perceived are the common traits of respect, communication and an ability to let go of insecurity.

I imagine it is much trickier when helping a child to understand what is happening and making them feel secure. You and your husband will have to be on the exact same page as to the message you will give to the kid. It should probably be a simple positive message.

I can understand why you wouldn't want your partner to be disciplining your kid. However, if my kid is being disrespectful to another adult I appreciate them speaking up and saying something to them. Because I don't want my kid going out into the world someday and having a crappy life because they don't know how to act.