A couple of weeks ago I went out of town to a major-ish city. All summer my plan was to go "away" and "experience" a true lgbt environment. (i.e. go to a bar, a gathering, anything, and try my best to get hit on or if hell really got cold maybe something more....I know my imagination is quite active.) I was all psyched up. I did research . I discovered a lesbian bar (this place was described as a "meat market" on the weekends...Yay! Maybe I'll be in luck). I convinced myself that I was going. That this was my year! I drove by it twice and didn't even get out of the car. I'm almost 40! And I couldn't even go into a gay bar! How am I ever supposed to "get out of my head" and start living the life that I really, really want to try to live if I can't even walk into a bar 2 states away from where I live? I know, bars are not the mecca of meeting quality relationship material, but from what I've seen, and read, they do serve a purpose. I was disappointed in myself and immediately started the negative thought stream in my head. And then I just stopped. I had a good weekend otherwise. Maybe this is enough. Maybe I don't need a relationship. Maybe I'll just be a hermit. Not a true hermit. I still have to work and such. But maybe this is just the way its supposed to be. I'm not trying to be pathetic here or pitiful, but seriously started considering if maybe some people are not meant to be in relationships (and by relationships I'm talking any kind, not just marriage). Maybe I should just make peace with it? On an unrelated note, I did have a complete stranger give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell me that they loved me. I should note that they were completely smashed and most likely didn't remember my existence the next morning. Does this count for something?:lol:
Oh, yeah, it counts. ;] Try not to perseverate over this one outing. Nobody finds someone the first time they leave the house. Unless there's been an apocalypse and there's only one other survivor. Remember, you've got to buy a ticket to win and the more tickets you buy, the more chances you have. You've already done something many people aren't brave enough to try, yet. There'll be other chances. You just need to make the opportunities happen. Kudos. I applaud you.
What I just recently started doing is to go by myself to places, events - not necessarily lgbt, I mean not at all lgbt...yet. But this is a huge step for me since I've never dpne that and I was freaking out. First time when I went to a concert alone (it was in a small bar-ish place so not a big one where you can just dissapear) I was so scared but I told myself that any step I make is important and I just generally tried to be supportive and understanding with myself. I told myself that if I only get to the tram station and go back, is ok. Just get out and try to make any steps even one. And supportive, positive self talk really seems to work. I went to the concert, it sucked so I drank half a beer and left but after that I felt so proud of myself The idea is that even if I would have just made it to the entrance and returned, that would have been ok with myself. Now back to you. What you did was freaking awesome and very brave! Not a good measure to compare yourself with others, but I never made it so far lgbt venue-wise as you did I know how easy it is to slide into negative thinking after this probably because you didn't "meet your own expectation". But there should be no expectation. These are big steps you made, so you did it! There is nothing you failed at
I used to engage in a TON of negative talk in my head. I finally realized that I needed to treat myself like I would a good friend. If I wouldn't say it to someone else, I sure as hell shouldn't say it to myself! In the beginning, I would counter anything negative with 2-3 positive statements. Now, I reframe the negative as a more positive look or a less permanent statement. (Like, "I'm not stupid, I was forgetful this morning.") I'm also working with my son on this, as his apple seems to have spawned itself directly from my trunk. Ha
I know how you feel. I am always "chickening out" of social activities, and with LGBT activities there is just another layer of complication and fear. But! As others have said, you took some positive steps forward here, and that's great! Try to just take some time to regroup and when you feel ready, go for it again. I don't think anyone is "supposed to" be a hermit. Nor are they "supposed to" be in a relationship. It's about what would make you happy. If you can be a hermit and avoid relationships but still feel fulfilled and happy in your life that's perfectly ok. There are other ways besides marriage to feel fulfilled in one's life. But if avoiding relationships is going to leave you feeling lonely and empty that may not be the best path for you. Some of us have a much harder time connecting with others, but that doesn't mean that the effort is never worth it.
I think I walked by a local gay pub about a dozen times before I finally decided to take the plunge and go in. To convince myself, I first went to another bar, had a few drinks, and then went to the gay bar. I was probably inside for no more than 2 minutes. Enough time to ask for a water, drink it, and run out. What a flashback! Lucky for me, the gay bar was a few blocks from my flat. So it was easy for me to continuously "chicken out".
I have a similar situation arising. I'm going to be visiting a city in a few weeks and I know there is a bar there that is supposed to be alright. I want to go check it out and just be around others. No interest in picking someone up. I'm pretty sure I'll end up chickening out.
the first time i went out in a LGBT friendly venue i had a guy start to chat me up, i had a sort of panic moment and made my excuses and left. i havent had a guy chat me up since but ive been back to that same venue and others. it takes a bit of courage for sure. but my sig lines are what i keep telling myself to get me "out" there.
Oh, I can so relate! I've chickened out of a lot of stuff like that. It sucks. I don't know if it's the healthiest advice, but I would probably have a drink or two before attempting a gay bar by myself. Or I'd rope a friend into it as my wingman/moral support. I would also recommend looking up some less intimidating LGBT things. For example, I went to an LGBT knitting group last night and it was very low pressure. Once we get to this age, we've already formed lifelong habits of avoiding dealing with our sexuality. That can be hard to break out of, but we have to push beyond our comfort zone a bit or we're going to waste the rest of lives. Don't get too down on yourself, and try again soon! (!)
Thanks for this thread 0617 I'm going through the dilemma of *thinking about* starting to hang out in more LGBT places. I live in a part of Central London where there's TONS of bars, clubs, and social venues so there's no excuse for my reticence. I don't think you're a true hermit. Like myself, I suspect you've been hermitting in order to avoid the pain or hurt or embarrassment of rejection or making a faux pas. I think you're so brave for having already been out and tried I hope you will do it many more times and come back to tell us, I for one will be interested to know. One thing my psychologist taught me years ago is was: Just tell yourself that you will stay for 15 mins and if you don't like it, then leave. You can even pretend that you're waiting for a friend who hasn't shown if you feel embarrassed to be alone. GOOD LUCK
First, Thank You to everyone for reading and for all the encouraging words. I really appreciate it. I like the bit about staying for 15 minutes (and acting like I am waiting on a friend!). I may have to try this next time. I guess I just have to get over this nagging feeling that I am running out of time. I walk a fine line daily on telling myself positive thoughts ("Look at how far you've come in 2 years! Look at how much you have learned and changed!") but then I look down and I can see all the negative ones come rushing at me ("Your too old, too inexperienced, too this, too that.") Sometimes I feel like I am constantly swimming against the current. Thanks again everyone! :smilewave
Don't stress it, I tried the same thing just for clarity, and honestly, it was actually dissapointing going in the gay bar. It was more like a social club for alley way hookups. Anyhow, you won't find your answer at a gay bar. If I ever finally find myself, and it happens to be gay, I don't see myself returning to a male gay bar.
Everybody said it so well, but I think I can add one point here. Maybe it applies to your case, maybe not but hope it can give you a little comfort. For some reasons, I have chosen to live a single life (perhaps I shouldn't say it was exactly my own choice, but it is more precise to say that among several choices that I had, it was the best one and I picked it). But anyway my life doesn't look bad. I am so much in peace with it. Of course there are times that I feel hermit, but honestly I don't remember when was the last time I felt so. Up until the time when I made the choice, love seemed to be so unreachable, and life seemed to be so miserable. But the interesting thing is that since I've stopped searching for love (or somebody to give me love), I somehow feel that love is more accessible. It sounds like a contradiction, but it is how I feel, and I am so glad that it has worked out this way. I am not suggesting that you should stop going out and live like me, but I am trying to say if you possibly consider that living single could be an acceptable choice, then going out could be more fun too. Hope this makes sense to you.
Hi i can so relate to this! I rang a LGBT hepline who gave me some links, one was meeting somewhere, i thought i'm not ready for that setting just yet!. I only know straight women in my area at the moment. Starting off with a knitting group sounds sounds more my comfort zone than a bar at the moment
